Dear December

Dear December,

Last time this year, I endured one of the most difficult times of my life. But what a difference a year makes. One year later, and my life has come full circle. Last Christmas, I was forced to make the best of a really (for lack of a better word) $hitty situation. For the first time in my entire life, I was not only away from my family, but on Christmas morning, I was entirely alone. And let me tell you - you can do a lot of soul searching in a time like that. A 5-year relationship had just recently come to an end, I was 4,000+ miles away from home and my family, and what was always meant to be one of the happiest days of the year, was a sad, empty, lonely - very lonely - depressing day. I remember on Christmas night, I sat in the dark by the light of my tree trying desperately not to feel sorry for myself. I didn't cry (although I did stuff my face full of bacon wrapped shrimp and guzzled down some rum-spiked eggnog). I just knew that next year would be different. It HAD to be. And indeed - it is.

This will be the second time in my entire life that I'll be spending Christmas away from home and my family. But I am not sad, nor am I lonely, nor am I without family. In fact, I am FAR from it. In the past year, I have created an extended family (or "ohana" as they say in Hawaii). The friendships and relationships I've cultivated over the past year are extraordinary. And by far, the most poignant and meaningful relationship I've developed (aside from the one with myself) is with Travis. Over the past year+ he has been an amazing source of comfort, support, love, and friendship. He is simply an amazing human being. And this past October, after a very long year of a long distance relationship, (with only a few trips here and there for visits),  he picked up his life in Miami and moved in with me here in Honolulu. So this year, I'm dedicating my Christmas to him. Because in this season - one that's devoted to family, togetherness, love, gratitude, generosity, selflessness, hope and joy - Travis has been the embodiment of all these things for me in the past year. So even though I am far away from my immediate family (Mom & Dad, my brother, aunts and uncles, etc) I know my family is not limited to the people I'm missing in Florida. I have love and family right here on this island. Right here in this room.

What better Christmas present is there?

And I just want to end this Christmas blog by saying this: take a real good hard look in the mirror when you start to complain about the insignificant little inconveniences that sometimes make their way into our lives. In the wake of the Hurricane Sandy and Newtown, Connecticut tragedies, try your best to have a little perspective. Know that in the vast and violent nature of the universe, the fact that you exist is nothing short of a miracle. Take hold of that miracle - grasp it tightly - and may you never waste a single moment of it in regret or hopelessness. Let go of yesterday, live for today, and simply hope for tomorrow that you may try again. All we have is now... and that "now," in the grand scheme of things, is just a microscopic blip that will vanish in the blink of an eye if you're not present, awake, and aware in every moment of your life. Open your eyes. See. Hear. Smell. Taste. FEEL. If you can't find anything more to be grateful for than the simple fact that you have access to the 5 senses that make it possible to process the sheer beauty of the world around you... then focus on THAT, and find beauty wherever you can - because I promise you... it's everywhere.

With love and gratitude,
Chelsey

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2 years in paradise

It was two years ago... I can't believe it. Two years ago I got on a plane to cross an entire continent and ocean to start a new life in a brand new place: Hawaii. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. But it was one of the most poignant and life-changing decisions I've ever made. I am so incredibly lucky to be where I am today - to live in such a beautiful environment, to be surrounded by everything that I love, and to have a good job that has meaning to me. I never imagined that Hawaii (or more specifically, Honolulu) would feel like home. I always thought that the pangs I felt in my heart for my life back in Florida would never go away. And they haven't gone away completely; but over time, they've faded considerably.

Ever since the new year, after starting a new life on my own for the first time, my world has completely transformed. I am completely independent and self-reliant. I have a wonderful group of friends. I have discovered a new passion and love for surfing. I've had the most unique opportunity in re-discovering and really finding myself once again after feeling lost for a very long time. I am more sure of myself and confident in my future than I have ever been in my entire life. And most importantly: I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've been gifted with the love of one of the most beautiful souls I've ever known. And I try so hard not to ever take any of this for granted - to not ever forget just how lucky I am.

But I've never really been one to play it safe. I take risks; especially with my heart. When I see an opportunity, I rarely pass it up. I live my life by following my gut feelings and my instincts - usually a combination of my heart battling with my mind. And sometimes, it doesn't always work out. But somehow, it always does. You see - anytime something doesn't work out for me, I try to see it in light of the bigger picture: where does this lead me next? Where did this particular mistake take me? What did I learn from it, and what purpose will this lesson serve me in the future? Looking back on my life, everything fits together like perfectly chiseled puzzle pieces - a series of events all coalescing together into the perfect symphony that makes up my past, present, and future. It all makes sense when I look at my life in hindsight. And it has all led me here.

So when people are perplexed by how I make decisions, or why I take certain risks, or why I dive into something head first, and worry whether I'll get hurt or burned or disappointed: THAT'S LIFE. I'd rather play it interesting - take a leap of faith and fall into the arms of a destiny I helped create for myself, knowing I won't have any regrets... rather than take a step back and play it safe for the sole reason that it's what other people think I "should do" or what's "best". Because no one knows how to live my life - NO ONE - but me. And I am always going to live it LOUDLY and BOLDY and passionately and colorfully. Two years ago I took the biggest risk of my life. And to tell you the truth - given that and all the other decisions I've made in my entire life...

I don't think I'm doing half bad. In fact, I'm FANTASTIC.

So here's to another year in paradise, my friends. Cheers and aloha!!!

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2012: Midway

It feels like just yesterday I was talking about entering the New Year: 2012.  My year... my re-birth. And now it's already half-way over. I simply can't believe how much has transpired since last year. So far, I had my great friend and roommate from undergrad, Alex (aka Alexi-LaLa aka Crazy A) visit from Virginia Beach to bring in the New Year together and celebrate our new lives.

Then, I went home for two weeks in February to decompress and discover a new chapter of my life. I surfed on the North Shore for the first time and continue to surf all the time with my "crew." I celebrated my 26th birthday with some diving and partying.

I took a trip to San Francisco in May and explored one of the coolest cities I've ever been to with one of the coolest guys I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. 

And last but not least, I traveled to the Northern Mariana Islands and Guam for 2 weeks for work, where I got to engage with the public, meet locals, and explore some of  the intriguing history of WWII that marks those idyllic islands.

And now we're in mid-July. It's remarkable, really. And I couldn't be more grateful for where I am today, and for the people that are in my life. Since being on my own, I have come to know myself really well. I am comfortable living alone, though I am the farthest thing from alone! The friends I have discovered here are second to none - like an extended family. We take care of eachother, we have eachother's backs, we talk, we listen, we eat (and we eat WELL!), we surf, and most importantly, we have fun all the time. I've been told on a couple of occasions that my residential life here is like a real life version of "Friends." And truth be told... it is!! Only better... I mean, c'mon... we're in Hawaii, folks! Work hard, play hard. And that's exactly what we do. So to the Ala Wai crew and the surf crew... I love you guys! Thanks for being such an awesome group of friends!!!

The other part of me remains in Florida - part of me always will. But over the past 8 months or so, it seems my heart is falling more and more in love with Hawaii. Not sure I can envision settling down here permanently, but at the same time, I can't imagine ever leaving this place! It's too perfect for me. With its ocean-centric lifestyle, beautiful scenery, perfect weather year round, endless waves and aloha spirit...

I'm in love ;)

And speaking of love... I'm completely and utterly immersed in it. I am surrounded and I have surrendered. Love of life, love of family, love of friends, love of love. It's not always easy to remain positive or see the silver lining in certain aspects of life. Since I was a little girl, my Mom taught me to see rainbows as a sign from God, or the heavens, or the universe, or whatever... that everything will be okay. Go figure I'd end up in a place where rainbows are ridiculously abundant. So I'm constantly reminded that when I can take a step back for just a moment, take a deep breath of that beautiful salty air, feel the warm caress of those gentle tradewinds, listen to those crystal waves breaking upon the shore, and feel my heart beating strong and steady... all that matters is that I'm alive and that I'm happy. And I am. More so than I ever have been. So Trav, if you're reading this: thank you. Here's to looking forward to what the rest of 2012 has to offer. Bring it on.

Aloha everyone!

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Love is...

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ”

~Pablo Neruda

This has got to be one of my favorite love poems. I love it because it does not speak of love in terms of lightning bolts or thunder claps or fireworks. My idea of true love is exactly this: it grows and deepens and evolves over time. It is a solid, strong and steady undercurrent. It is deep and yes, can be dark, but also brings light and richness to every aspect of your existence. It is a true intimacy and closeness that cannot be described in words. It is an understanding, respect, and even love for not only eachother's light and goodness, but also one another's darkness, demons, and secrets... it is complete and utter trust. It is truly knowing someone: all of their faults, quirks, imperfections, insecurities, fears, etc. and loving them more for it, not despite it. It is being able to want more for their happiness than you want for your own. It is solid ground amid shaking earth. It is the entire reason for being.

And by God if you find it... don't be foolish. Hold onto it with every ounce of strength you have. And once you find it - you'll quickly realize why it never really was before it.

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The sun will always rise

Aloha!!!

I think blogger has been doing some major updates to its website because I haven't been able to post anything in what seems like forever! I wrote this poem back in November when I was going through a pretty difficult time... yet, this poem is all about hope. So I wanted to share it because it reminds me of how far I've come in such a short time. My life has completely and utterly transformed because I simply set myself free, and promptly moved on. Best decision I've ever made.

Sit silently next to me, and breathe in the salty sea

Gentle rays reach like fingers, slowly and softly caress me

Comfortable warmth illuminates love and joy on my face

Balmy breezes wrap me tightly - a sweet and tender embrace

Splashes of light spill down from the never ending sky

Like an artist painting the strokes of new life before my eyes

 Each stroke – a beat of my heart, a breath, the essence of life

Only the colorful palette of morning erases the darkness of night

Close your eyes and immerse yourself in daybreak’s enchanting glory

With each and every new sunrise, a new beginning to every story

So sink down into the earth, feeling every single grain of sand

Knowing that life is re-born each day; the night you can withstand.

Let nature fill your soul with the song she has been singing

Let go of all the doubts and fears your own mind has been creating

Lose yourself in bearing witness to the birth of a brand new day

And when the night tries to blind you, let love and light guide your way.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is never give up on hope. Because everytime the night swallows you up and dark hours seem to drag on forever... remember always: the morning will always come; the sun will always rise. 

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My first North Shore wave

This past week, I was invited by one of my neighbors in my building (Ray) to come up to the North Shore with him and a few others for a surf. He assured me we would go to a safe spot and the waves wouldn't be too big. So with a bit of trepidation (and excitement as well) I agreed. So yesterday morning, a little past 8 am, we met downstairs and loaded the boards onto his truck. The resident manager of our building (Chris) who also surfs, joined us as well. So we made the hour long drive up to the North Shore of O'ahu and began looking for our friend's truck (they had left a bit earlier than us to get a jump start on the waves). As we were driving up I asked my neighbor "so how big are the waves supposed to be?" and he said nonchalantly, "oh, maybe 3-4" and my resident manager chimed in "Oh that's perfect. That's fun size." Little did I know they were talking 3-4 HAWAIIAN, which means they're measuring the size of the wave from the BACK, not the face. So add 3 feet on to that estimate and you get 6-7 ft waves (1-2 feet over my head!) with occasional waves pumping from "out back" that reached 8 to 9 feet. When I found out, I was like "are you guys serious?" as I laughed nervously. The biggest waves I've ever been in were 4-6 at Waikiki (which is a very mellow spot). Needless to say, my stomach was turning in knots a little bit. I knew north shore is no joke. But the guys kept re-assuring me that I would be okay and that they would watch my back. I felt good. Nervous, but good.

We parked the truck, got out, and started prepping for the session. I started lathering up the sunscreen as Chris stretched out with some yoga poses and Ray changed into his boardies. I figured I should do some stretching as well (I really didn't know what I was in for). We un-tied the boards from the roofracks and started walking down the path to the beach. When we got there, we spotted Laura, another girl that came out specifically to take photos from the beach (she's a budding photographer). I was excited. I've never had any really good photos taken of me surfing before, so I was REALLY hoping she would catch me on just one wave that day. We chatted with her for a bit to make sure the other guys were in the spot we were looking at. We leashed up, walked down to the shoreline, and surveyed the conditions. Ray told me it was all about timing. The white water was impressive. The guys in the line-up didn't really look that far away... but oh boy, was I wrong.

"Ok GO!" Ray shouted, as we plunged into the water and started to paddle. Chris followed in behind. Immediately, I could tell this was going to be a bit rough and a bit of a struggle. It was like trying to cut a path through confused, angry seas. The white water was powerful and it was coming from all different directions. There was no easy way around it. We were going to have to cut straight through the impact zone to get out back behind the breaking waves. Of course, Ray surged ahead, being used to this kind of stuff, as well as surfing a shortboard that he can easily duckdive underneath the whitewash to avoid being pounded. Chris and I on the other hand, had to face the whitewash head on with our longboards. We got knocked off our boards several times. We were like ragdolls being thrashed around mercilessly. My board was ripped from my arms several times when I would attempt to do a turtle roll. Chris eventually made it. So I was the only one left behind to no surprise (I was the least experienced in the group). My arms were on fire, my breathing was ragged, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I had never experienced water with quite so much force before. I kept looking back at the beach thinking to myself: "I've barely made any progress. I'm never going to make it." Everytime the water would lay down just a little bit, I thought to myself: "If I can just paddle out quick enough, I'll be able to make it before the next set comes in."

WRONG.

At the edge of my breaking point, I got pushed back so far by one wave, I was ready to give up. I sat up on my board looking at the guys out there surfing, and thought "Damn it. I really wanted to at least try." I caught my breath for a minute and decided to give it one last go. I started cutting left, parallel to the beach, to try and avoid some of the on-coming waves. Little by little, I could tell I was making more progress than before. My shoulders were burning, but I kept saying to myself out loud "Push! Push! Push! Dammit, Chelsey! Push!" And I did... I could see the other guys getting closer and closer, which fueled my motivation. "Push!" and finally, out of breath, ready to pass out... I was out back.

I sat up on my board once again, proud of the fact that I simply made it out to a break on the north shore with some very experienced and talented surfers. They were all extremely surprised that I even made it out. I felt privleged just to be there, let alone attempt to take a wave. The guys kept telling me to keep my eye out on the horizon. Since there was a bit of a swell that day, larger waves from further out back occasionally popped up out of nowhere that you had to be constantly aware of, so that they didn't just come crashing down on top of you. On a couple of occasions, I heard one of the guys yell out "Chelsey, behind you!" and when I would look,there would be a massive wave barreling towards us. So I paddled fast towards the oncoming wave so that I could make it over the crest without it breaking on me. I was comfortable just sitting out there and watching the other guys do their thing. One of the guys said to me "Only take a wave when you're comfortable. The first time I came out here, all I did was watch and observe." So that's what I did for quite a while.

On a couple of occasions, to gather my courage, I would half-ass paddle for some waves, just to get a feel of the velocity and force at which the waves were moving. Much faster than Waikiki, that's for sure! But then, a new set was on it's way, and one of the guys yelled out "Chelsey, go for this one! Paddle!" I looked behind me, and decided "Ok, this is it!" I started to paddle, looking back occasionally at the on-coming wave, and all of a sudden I felt it's force beneath me. It was propelling me forward - I CAUGHT IT. I popped up and before I knew it the wave was starting to jack up even higher.

 I looked to my right and saw Chris riding the wave with me. We both screamed out in excitement "WOOOHOOOOO!" But before I knew it, I looked to my left and saw the wave was closing out, so I jumped off my board and got absolutely pounded by the white water. My board was ripped away going in the direction of the wave and I felt the leash yank on my leg and drag me. I reached the surface just in time for another round of white water. This time I felt the ground beneath me. I scrambled for the surface, but couldn't find it. I reached my arms and felt the air. I came up and gasped for air. "Ok HOLY SHIT. I think I'm done!" So I started to paddle in, got knocked off a few times again from all the white water, then finally made it to the beach.

To say I was "stoked" was an understatement. Not only did I paddle out on the famous North Shore, I actually successfully took a wave, and MADE IT! And to top it all off, the photographer on the beach caught it on camera. So in a couple days, I will have proof of my first North Shore wave! After everyone came in from the water, we went out for a big hearty breakfast at the Haleiwa cafe in historic Haleiwa town, and talked story for a couple hours about the waves we caught. But everyone seemed to be pretty impressed by the grom (i.e., me- the younger, less experienced surfer) that not only made it out to the break, but actually went for a wave, AND MADE IT! It was wonderful to get such encouragement and awesome compliments from these guys. It's as if they get just as excited for someone else catching an awesome wave as they do for themselves. It was the first time I really felt like I truly experienced the surfing culture in Hawaii for myself.

And I have to say - I'm totally in love with it. I can't wait to try the North Shore again!!!

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2012

For my first post of 2012, I first just want to say: 2012 is MY year.

The possibilities, the potential, the hopes, the dreams ... they're endless. Everything I want, everything I need, I will create for myself. I will go after them with gusto, and I will succeed in attaining whatever it is my heart and soul desires. I consider 2012 sort of a re-birth, if you will. It feels as though the puzzle pieces of my life are all starting to come together again, in a very meaningful way. Through this process, I have found myself once again. I have come to re-learn who I am, only to find that I am so much stronger than I thought I was, I am now much wiser than I ever was, my mind is much sharper than it ever was, and my heart, though shaken at times, has the capability of loving more than it ever did before.

Simply put - I have realized that I LOVE myself enough to always reach out for what I truly want, need, and deserve. It is beautiful to have such an awakening; to feel as if your whole world is beginning to spin in the right direction once again. To be able to let go of the mistakes and sorrows of the past, to appreciate yesterday for what it was, and to always be able to look forward to tomorrow with a smile - but always to hold fast to what life is really all about: the here and now.

It's very difficult to remember that all we are really guaranteed is TODAY. If we could all somehow learn to live for just today, we'd all be a little better off. That's not to say we can't plan or look towards the future, or reflect and learn from our pasts... but today is the only thing we can really DO something about. So make it count.

For just today, I plan to be kissed by the sun, caressed by the ocean, maybe catch a wave or two, have great conversations with a great friend, smile & laugh, and truly enjoy the fact that TODAY...

I am alive.

So here's to 2012: where each new sunrise represents a new day, a new beginning, a new opportunity, a new chance, and a new life.

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