Life as we know it

Gah! I can't believe this is only my third post of 2013! Where has the time gone?!

Anyway... I tend to write a lot about gratitude - and there's a reason for it. Here we are again, coming up on Thanksgiving and we're all reminded to be "thankful";  yet, the only time I hear most people speak of gratitude is when they are reminded that it's Thanksgiving time again. Finding gratitude, even for the smallest of things, is a daily objective of mine. In my *humble* opinion, maintaining gratitude on a daily basis is the single most powerful strategy for keeping one sane while grounded in reality. Finding gratitude in small corners of your world is essential to maintaining happiness among the monotony of daily routine. We all get "stuck in a rut" from time to time, so-to-speak. We eat, sleep, go to work/school, maybe do something entertaining in between, then go back to sleep to begin the cycle all over again. It can get boring and it can cause us to retreat into our own heads and dwell on crap we really shouldn't be dwelling on. But there really is so much to be grateful for (yeah, I say this a lot. It's a good reminder).

Let's zoom out for a moment and take a look at the bigger picture. The mere fact that you exist at all is nothing short of a miracle. I looked this up: the genetic probability of you existing exactly as you are today has been likened to the probability of 2 million people (about the size of San Diego) getting together to each play a game of dice with trillion-sided dice. Each person rolls the dice, and they all come up the exact same number – say, 647,943,589,201.  Like I said - a miracle. I recently watched a short video on the so-called "Overview Effect," which is a phenomenon seemingly typical of astronauts returning from space. The Overview Effect refers to seeing the Earth from the outside looking in - seeing the Earth in the context of the infinite void that is our universe - a beautiful oasis in an otherwise desert of blackness - realizing that we are indeed on this tiny little rock that happens to provide us everything we need to survive while flying through space at incredible speed - understanding that all the essential elements to form the molecules of our bodies, the water we drink, the food we eat, the materials from which we build cities and so-called "empires" - originated from the guts of a dying star. In the words of Carl Sagan regarding this pale blue dot we call Earth:

"On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."

 It is realizing that we are indeed all here together on this journey through space and time, and that we are ALL connected. Now zoom back in to your own miraculous existence, and find gratitude in the undeniable fact that you are inherently special and unique. So while I'm just beginning to explore the tip of the iceberg that is the duality of my own existence - on the one hand, the incredible insignificance of this miscroscopic blip that is my life; and on the other, knowing that the energy that lives within me (you could call it a soul or spirit or whatever) will never die or be destroyed. It will continue to live on and be part of this magnificent fabric of existence that we are ALL a part of. Perhaps there is an afterlife in paradise (i.e., heaven), or perhaps I'll return to stardust when I die. Either way, I know that I am a part of something MUCH larger than anything my tiny brain can comprehend. And regardless, I am grateful that I've had this miraculous opportunity to live on this beautiful pixel of a planet. I'm grateful that I have had the opportunity to love and be loved. I'm also grateful for my ever growing and deepening relationship with the love of my life - Travis - for helping me strive towards accepting, with increasing grace (I hope), the often challenging, sad and depressing realities of life that inevitably arise and subsequently shake us to our cores - for helping me remain ever alive and aware in the present moment - for enhancing my reality in such a significant way, such that gratitude is not hard to come by. And in this very moment - I'm grateful for sweet potato chips. Because when I'm hungry for something that combines salty, sweet, and crunchy... it is the perfect snack. They are delicious. And they're right there in my kitchen for me to eat. So simple, yet so profound.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!! Lots of love, light, and gratitude to all. 

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A picture's worth a 1,000 words

The other night, I was beckoned by a couple of plastic boxes sitting next to my night stand that had been collecting dust since my Mom's last visit. I wanted to find old pictures of my Dad and me for Father's Day. Upon searching through these boxes, I became lost in the memories of times past. I quickly realized that those simple plastic boxes held the treasured contents of my life: photos ranging from the time I was just a bald blue-eyed baby in diapers, to a growing woman in college trying to find herself and chart her path into adulthood. Some of those photos made me smile warmly with fond memories of childhood innocence and playfulness. Other photos made me feel pangs of grief, whether it was for a lost loved one or for the simple fact that I am no longer the child I once was, although much of that little girl still lives wildly within me. Some of those photos made me chuckle out loud while fondly remembering some of my more mischievous antics with friends, families, and ex-boyfriends alike. And some of those photos made me weep quietly in the dark silence that had become my living room. Amazing what a simple picture can do to conjure up so much feeling and emotion -  I was so immersed looking into these windows of  my past that I failed to realize how late it had become. But I pressed on, flipping through each one with more eagerness than the last. Each photo felt like it had its own gravity - pulling me into it and allowing me to re-live parts of my life I had almost forgotten existed.

Perhaps the more somber and exhilarating realization of it all is the fact the only thing that is ever truly constant in our lives is change. As we grow, we typically move on from the familiar faces and places of our childhood. You proclaim to be someone's "BFF" as a child not knowing the harsh reality that you will likely grow apart, and those half-heart Best Friends Forever necklace charms you used to wear end up tarnished in an old jewelry box; or perhaps, you just lose it forever. That boyfriend(s) you swore you were in love with - the one(s) you thought you could never ever live without - they turn into strangers and eventually distant memories, only to resurface as an old faded picture. And you may wonder: what was I thinking? Even as an adult, you make new friends as you lose old ones. Some will stay in your lives forever and true, while others will fade into the background while you begin to wonder why you were ever friends in the first place? And some you will choose to lose because eventually you grow up and realize that the relationships we hold dear are supposed to uplift us, not restrict us. There just isn't any room for relationships that are fraught with judgments, jealousy, and negativity. It's disappointing sometimes, but nevertheless necessary.

You never realized that compared to the rest of your life... high school was a piece of cake. I'll just say it: sometimes being an adult sucks (sometimes it's cool, but staying out late drinking beer all night isn't all it's cracked up to be when the morning comes and your mouth feels like its stuffed with cotton and you're hung over for the entire day saying to yourself "I'm getting too old for this shit."

Change is inevitable. We don't typically notice our parents aging. It's not so obvious until you see their youthful glowing faces in a sepia-toned photo. But then you may go almost a year without seeing them, and realize their faces are more worn, and their hair more gray. It becomes evident that you must start to face the stark reality that those pillars of your life that instilled your core values, strength, poise, compassion, moral fiber, and love... are not permanent. Eventually, you will have to rely on what they taught you and live the rest of your life without them. But what's so incredibly sad about the cycle of life, is immensely beautiful at the same time... it is the simple fact that you may (if you choose) begin the circle of life once more. You have the ability and the choice to pass on the stories, lessons, trials and triumphs of your life - so that you may re-live life vicariously through the eyes of your children.

And although I haven't made that decision for myself just yet, I know the potential is there. And that alone makes me smile.

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The Lucky Ones

As I sit here alone in my apartment while my man is at work, the beautifully melancholy melodies of Lana Del Rey fill the room. Life really is so good. I really wouldn't blame you at all if you hated me. In fact, I'd probably hate me too. Not only did I get my dream job working for NOAA straight out of grad school, it just so happened to be located in Hawaii of all places. Most people don't get their first job that's perfectly suited for their degree and sets the path for their entire career at 24. My free time is spent either surfing, barbecuing with friends, lazying around on the beach, or staying snuggled up in my great Waikiki apartment with my wonderful guy and my pup. And somehow, I managed to land the heart of the best guy I've ever known who packed up and moved out to Hawaii all the way from Miami for me. For the first time in my life, there is no aching feeling that something is "missing" from my relationship. He is amazing. Life truly is so good... and I am so freakin lucky. So yeah. You're allowed to hate me a little bit. It's okay.

but I'm feeling jittery and a bit "on edge" from the asthma medication I just inhaled. The smoke from the bonfire we had on the beach over Memorial Day weekend has irritated my diseased airways. I've had asthma since I was a baby. But it wasn't until later in life (early 20's) that I would develop the true demons in my life: generalized anxiety and a mean case of hypochondria. It is a daily battle of will and wits within my own mind to stay in the moment and not fret about all of the things that could possibly go wrong. It is this thin gray veil that casts itself over me that I can't seem to fully escape. Sure, my life is charmed - some might even think it's perfect. And that's the part that tends to scare me from time to time. Trying to describe the feeling is difficult. It feels like I'm constantly sitting on the edge of my seat during a really tense scene in a scary movie, incessantly fidgeting, not able to relax, waiting for that bubble of perfection to BURST and crumble all around me - waiting for the ground to fall away beneath my feet. The rational part of my mind tells me that I deserve everything I have. I deserve this life. I deserve to be happy. I've worked hard to get where I am and I've undergone my fair share of heartache and disappointment in my life... yet I'm still waiting for the hammer to crush me. WHY? Is this the way I create balance in my life? I can be happy, but not TOO happy? Why can't I allow myself to fully enjoy everything that I've been given, created, and worked for without that nagging negativity in the back of my head whispering: "It won't last..." perhaps it's because I know that it won't. None of us knows how much time we have. And for whatever reason, my mind likes to preoccupy itself with that notion. I wish I could turn it off and just "be." I'm trying.

I mentioned hypochondria... let's see, so far I've worried about having MS, lymphoma, melanoma, breast cancer, brain tumor, and the list goes on. In my mind, I can't stop a small twinge, twitch, ache, or pain from being something far worse. I'm hyper aware of my body and everything that goes on within it. It's like trying to talk on the phone with someone while the TV is blaring in the background. You can't focus on the conversation because you can't drown out the TV. That is how I feel a lot of the time. I can't fully 100% concentrate on these beautiful moments that my beautiful life gives me because the constant drone of my mind's own chatter drowns everything else out. Perhaps that is the true tragedy... but I'm going to fight like hell to not let it take me over. So I eat well, I take vitamins, I try to get enough sleep, I exercise as much as I can stand (and let me tell you, the reflection in the mirror is something I battle daily too, but that's a blog for a different day) and I surround myself with people that make me feel good about me. Screw the rest!

So what is the point of me telling you all of this? To let you know that despite whatever your preconceived notions may be about any given person, you should never ever compare yourself to others because you have no clue what their journey is all about. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has their own demons to battle. We are all different and NO ONE is perfect or has the perfect life. We are all our own worst critic and our own worst enemy. We all have work we can do to improve ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. But let it not be for the attention or admiration or approval of others. Let it be for YOU and you alone. Acceptance is the first step to true love - true love of self. And truly accepting and loving yourself is the only path to true happiness. We are all lucky and/or blessed in some way or another. So hold on tightly to whatever it is that makes you one of the lucky ones and be grateful.

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