The Lucky Ones
As I sit here alone in my apartment while my man is at work, the beautifully melancholy melodies of Lana Del Rey fill the room. Life really is so good. I really wouldn't blame you at all if you hated me. In fact, I'd probably hate me too. Not only did I get my dream job working for NOAA straight out of grad school, it just so happened to be located in Hawaii of all places. Most people don't get their first job that's perfectly suited for their degree and sets the path for their entire career at 24. My free time is spent either surfing, barbecuing with friends, lazying around on the beach, or staying snuggled up in my great Waikiki apartment with my wonderful guy and my pup. And somehow, I managed to land the heart of the best guy I've ever known who packed up and moved out to Hawaii all the way from Miami for me. For the first time in my life, there is no aching feeling that something is "missing" from my relationship. He is amazing. Life truly is so good... and I am so freakin lucky. So yeah. You're allowed to hate me a little bit. It's okay.
but I'm feeling jittery and a bit "on edge" from the asthma medication I just inhaled. The smoke from the bonfire we had on the beach over Memorial Day weekend has irritated my diseased airways. I've had asthma since I was a baby. But it wasn't until later in life (early 20's) that I would develop the true demons in my life: generalized anxiety and a mean case of hypochondria. It is a daily battle of will and wits within my own mind to stay in the moment and not fret about all of the things that could possibly go wrong. It is this thin gray veil that casts itself over me that I can't seem to fully escape. Sure, my life is charmed - some might even think it's perfect. And that's the part that tends to scare me from time to time. Trying to describe the feeling is difficult. It feels like I'm constantly sitting on the edge of my seat during a really tense scene in a scary movie, incessantly fidgeting, not able to relax, waiting for that bubble of perfection to BURST and crumble all around me - waiting for the ground to fall away beneath my feet. The rational part of my mind tells me that I deserve everything I have. I deserve this life. I deserve to be happy. I've worked hard to get where I am and I've undergone my fair share of heartache and disappointment in my life... yet I'm still waiting for the hammer to crush me. WHY? Is this the way I create balance in my life? I can be happy, but not TOO happy? Why can't I allow myself to fully enjoy everything that I've been given, created, and worked for without that nagging negativity in the back of my head whispering: "It won't last..." perhaps it's because I know that it won't. None of us knows how much time we have. And for whatever reason, my mind likes to preoccupy itself with that notion. I wish I could turn it off and just "be." I'm trying.
I mentioned hypochondria... let's see, so far I've worried about having MS, lymphoma, melanoma, breast cancer, brain tumor, and the list goes on. In my mind, I can't stop a small twinge, twitch, ache, or pain from being something far worse. I'm hyper aware of my body and everything that goes on within it. It's like trying to talk on the phone with someone while the TV is blaring in the background. You can't focus on the conversation because you can't drown out the TV. That is how I feel a lot of the time. I can't fully 100% concentrate on these beautiful moments that my beautiful life gives me because the constant drone of my mind's own chatter drowns everything else out. Perhaps that is the true tragedy... but I'm going to fight like hell to not let it take me over. So I eat well, I take vitamins, I try to get enough sleep, I exercise as much as I can stand (and let me tell you, the reflection in the mirror is something I battle daily too, but that's a blog for a different day) and I surround myself with people that make me feel good about me. Screw the rest!
So what is the point of me telling you all of this? To let you know that despite whatever your preconceived notions may be about any given person, you should never ever compare yourself to others because you have no clue what their journey is all about. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has their own demons to battle. We are all different and NO ONE is perfect or has the perfect life. We are all our own worst critic and our own worst enemy. We all have work we can do to improve ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. But let it not be for the attention or admiration or approval of others. Let it be for YOU and you alone. Acceptance is the first step to true love - true love of self. And truly accepting and loving yourself is the only path to true happiness. We are all lucky and/or blessed in some way or another. So hold on tightly to whatever it is that makes you one of the lucky ones and be grateful.
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