2012: A year of new beginnings

2012: a year of new beginnings

As the New Year approaches, I would like to take a moment to recognize what it means to me to wash away the trials, tribulations, and sorrows of the past year, while welcoming the hopes, dreams, and aspirations of the next. I’ve never been the type to get too “hyped up” or excited about New Year’s; however, this year is quite different.

This past year has been the mother of all rollercoasters for me: complete with highs, lows, twists, turns, and even corkscrews! Needless to say, I’ve been through A LOT. But then again, so have a lot of others. Everyone, at some point or another, faces difficulties, challenges, dark moments, along with feelings of sadness, doubt, hopelessness, fear, anger, resentment, etc. Luckily for me, there have been some very special people in my life working behind the scenes to help lift me up, give me hope, cheer me on, and ultimately, let me know that even though I’m thousands of miles away, I’m not alone… ever.

So I just want to thank you (in no particular order).

ANS – It doesn’t matter that we don’t talk on a regular basis… the fact that you bought a ticket out of the blue to bring in the New Year with me in Hawaii speaks volumes. We’re in this together! And when it counts, I know you’ll always be there. And for that, I thank you.

CH - If for only the upbeat, positive messages I get every once and a while from you, letting me know that you're thinking of me and that you love me, well that's something to be thankful for. Thank you for keeping me so close in thought and listening when you can.

CGM – You have been a great sounding board. I have always appreciated your advice and opinions on things, but even more so, I am so grateful for your unconditional support through everything. I know, even though we haven’t known each other very long, you would do anything you could to help me out. It’s great having you so close by now!

JA - Thanks for always keeping things light and funny. You don't really let me get into the nitty gritty details of things. You just give me a simple "You'll be fine" or "It'll be ok" letting me know that you're not that worried... and that keeps me from worrying too. Sometimes others know your strength better than yourself. And it's wonderful you've given me that reminder.

LM – Since you sit right next to me everyday at work, it’s almost impossible not to share what’s going on in our lives. Our irrational thoughts are quite comical at times, but I'm glad we have eachother to talk ourselves down! Thank you for being a great listener and being my patron partner when needed. I’m glad we’ve realized we have so much in common!

NAM- You and I have both been through a lot this year. But I know we are not far from eachother's hearts. Thanks for the skype chats and keeping me in the loop with things even though your 4000 miles away. And thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder when it all started to fall apart. I love you always.

NCS- Despite beings thousands of miles away, in different hemispheres, and different days even, you have been a wonderful sounding board, and have always offered me wonderful, heart-felt advice. Thank you for listening, and thank you for being a great friend. Our stories are so similar... and even though it sucks that we've both had to go through such hardships - it's comforting to know we have eachother to lean on through this process.

TBT– What can I say? Well, just about anything really. And that’s the point. You’ve become one of my best friends. So simply, I just want to thank you for being you. You have kept me sane when I felt crazy, let me vent without judgment, surprised me with the unexpected, made me cry til I laughed, made me laugh til I cried… but above all, you’ve given me hope. So, thank you.

So coming into the New Year, I am simply looking forward. I am embracing the changes in my life. I am keeping my heart and mind wide open. I look forward to doing well in my job, meeting new friends any chance I get, and possibly, finding new meanings and facets of the words "peace, love, and happiness."

CHEERS and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

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Perspective is Powerful

As we get closer to the end of another year, I am forced to take a good, hard look at myself, my life, my choices, my circumstances. It would be very easy for me to sink into a dark hole, feel sorry for myself, and cry. But, it hasn't happened yet, and I don't plan to let it. This Christmas will be very different for me, indeed. For the first time in my entire life, I will not be spending Christmas with my family. For the first time in my entire life, I am living completely and utterly on my own, by myself. For the first time in a long time, I have not wrapped a single present. And for the first time, in a long time, I do not have a man physically by my side. I am 4,000+ miles away from the people I love and care for the most: my family and most of my friends. That, in and of itself, is hard. But at Christmas, a holiday that as always been marked with such tradition in my life, one that has always been dearest to my heart... it makes the situation even more difficult.

So as I sit in my apartment at night by myself, looking at the Christmas tree I decorated despite it all, with presents underneath just for me, sent from my Mom... I could easily be very sad. But, I am trying my best to actively choose to view this Christmas - this whole year actually - with a different perspective: a positive perspective. I am going to try, with every fiber of my being, to embrace this Christmas like none other before, and truly relish the time I have to be with myself. And while the people I love and care for most are not physically here with me, I know they are close in heart and mind. And above all, I still have so much to be grateful for.

But I really and truly believe I just need this time - to re-establish the most important relationship in my life; to really get to know the only person I'll never ever lose: myself. Christmas is supposed to be about the gifts of life, love, family, and friendship. And I truly have all of those things in my life. But never have I truly known the meaning of Christmas as much as I do now. With so many distractions (e.g., shopping, decorations, holiday music, presents, big extravagant feasts, etc.) it is hard to remember the reasons for the season.

Be good to one another. Love fully. Laugh hard and often. Find gratitude. Enjoy your family and friends, and remember to be thankful for each and every one of them. And know, that no matter what, no matter how hard things may seem at any given moment: life, and everything associated with it, keeps on moving. As should you.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I know mine will be the most significant New Year I've ever had. 2010 and 2011 have probably been the hardest 2 years of my life. But I have a feeling 2012 may just be MY year. ;)

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Defying synicism

I guess it's that time in life - when everyone seems to be getting married and/or having babies: the mid-20's/early 30's. It's hard to think I was already one of "them." But I'm trying my best not to be synical - hoping and wishing that all of my friends that are getting married or just recently got married, will hold true to their vows: "to love and to cherish, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part." But unfortunately, I know for a fact not everyone makes it. And what I want people to know is: it's okay. Life, if anything, goes on.

I meant them when I said them - those vows. I don't think anyone that gets married ever thinks it won't work in the end. But that's life. Sometimes you just grow apart, and find that there are more differences between you than can be reconciled. People change and evolve every single day. I guess what's important is to make sure you're always on the same page, and that you're growing together in the same direction. Communication (open and often) and trust are probably what I consider to be the two most important facets of a successful relationship. But you also have to have something solid to build upon, like a strong foundation of friendship. You have to let eachother be their own person, but also recognize that the individual parts make up the whole. Having the ability to compromise is important. And by compromise, I don't mean compromising the core beliefs and values that ultimately direct your moral compass; but, knowing and completely accepting the fact that allowing the other person into your life, completely, will inevitably change some things.

I strongly believe that people need to be on similar levels: emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, mentally... if you're not a match on most of those things - well, time will certainly unveil reality. You should not be blinded by lust, physical attraction, infatuation, etc... there HAS to be something more, something deeper, to fall back on. If not, that type of "love" is just not sustainable in the long-term. And if you don't have ALL of that stuff figured out before you take the plunge... well, I hate to be the one to break it to you... but it probably won't work.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that when I think of a life-long love, one worthy of the institution of marriage, I guess I agree with the following quote:

"True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another."

And I still believe in it... completely.

But hey... what does anyone really know about love? It's got to be one of the most ridiculous, crazy, beautiful, maddening, life-altering, indefinable emotions I've ever come across. ;-)

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Sleep and dream

Sinking in the silent slumber of darkness
I succumb to the gravity of night
Starry skies and shadows whisper to me:
Shh... be still - sleep and dream.

But life settles on my silhouette
A sheath of thick blankets and sheets suffocating-
Swiftly sucking the breath from my lungs
And swallows me whole. Shh.

Shh. Speak not a word, tired soul
Slowly descend into your dreamland
Shut your eyes, seal your lips, breathe
Savor your sleep, and sweet dreams.

Shh. Surrender your eyes and mind, for
these dreams seep surreptitiously -
Envelop your slumbering soul, only
Releasing you by the light of sunrise.

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Haven't met him...yet.

For anyone who knows their worth, and is still looking for that "one" to know it too. :)

He likes me, really likes me
My eyes, smile, laugh, lips
My curves, skin, hands, hips
He sees me, really sees me
Everything I am, everything I want to be
Everything I was, everything I will be
He knows me, really knows me
The dark, the light, the surface, the deep
And walks right through the walls I keep
He wants me, really wants me
Body and mind, heart and soul
Whether I'm broken or entirely whole
He needs me, really needs me
To make him smile, calm his fears
In his heart, I'm always near
He loves me, really loves me
And I'd give myself without regret
Because he likes me, sees me,
knows me, wants me, needs me,
and loves me...
I just haven't met him yet.

*NOTE* For those few who have expressed concern (and for those of you who haven't but wonder to yourself if I'm "OK") just for the record, not everything I write is from MY point of view. I like to take on different personas in my poetry/writings, so please don't take everything I write so literally. No, I'm not depressed, I'm not sad, I'm not even down! In fact, I'm actually happier than a pig n' shit! ;-) Thanks for reading!

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Thankful

It's Thanksgiving tomorrow. We all know what that means. We all look forward to stuffing our faces full to capacity with a feast that most people in this world dream about, then roll our gluttonous, over-stuffed bodies over to the couch, and blame the tryptophan (not the fact that we just ate about 2,000 calories of fatty, carby, sugary goodness in one sitting) for dozing in and out of consciousness while football plays on the TV in the background. Turkey, gravy, cranberry sauce, potatos, yams, casseroles, pies, biscuits... are we not lucky? Should we not stop to breathe in deep the sweet and savory aromas of a Thanksgiving meal, and be grateful?

Gratitude is an amazing thing. It keeps you grounded. It keeps you humble. It keeps you satisfied - and while you may want more from life, gratitude helps you accept the fact that sometimes you can't always have what you want the exact moment that you want it... because it helps to reduce that disappointment you feel when things don't go exactly the way you want it to. Stay grateful. Things can always be much worse. Stop and take a look around - do you really, and truthfully, honestly have it that bad? Probably not...

So what am I thankful for this year? Well I'm thankful I'm alive for starters. I'm healthy, I'm in relatively good shape, I'm not ill, I have no ailments, I've got all my limbs, my lungs are breathing and my heart is beating. Awesome! Aside from the obvious, I'm thankful for my friends and family. Love is by far one of the most important things in life to be grateful for. If you can love someone, and be loved in return, then you can be grateful you've had the opportunity to feel that. I have some of the best friends in the world - and they are scattered all over the world too! St. Kitts, Canada, Australia, Florida, Virginia... but it doesn't matter - no matter how far away they are, no matter the time difference, they are always there for me, without fail. To have friends like that, I consider myself extremely lucky. And I'm grateful for each and every one of them. One person in particular (and you know who you are) I'm not sure where I'd be right now if it weren't for you. Thank you for being you, and thank you for being in my life. I'm grateful for knowing you.

And of course I'm thankful I have a job in something I actually studied for, and on top of that, I get to live in a beautiful paradise every single day. Sure, things haven't always gone as planned for me. Sure, I didn't expect to be in the position I'm in at this point in my life. But I'm not going to be down. I'm not going to drag myself through the ditches and beat myself up for mistakes I've made, and failures I've experienced. All of those things make me who I am. All of those dark moments have molded me into a stronger, more confident woman. And the best part is - there's a light at the end of this tunnel. A bright light. And I can see it, I can feel it... the light is mine, because I choose it. I'm thankful that the lightbulb finally went off for me. Because now, more than ever in my life, I know exactly what I want and what I need to be happy. And I will never settle for anything less.

Gratitude. Find it. And hold onto it tightly. It can save you.

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Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

Could you please just quiet down for a minute? You're too loud these days. I can't concentrate on the life in front of me because you keep distracting me away from it. I'd love to sit and chit-chat with you all day, but then I realize the day is gone - and I haven't accomplished a damn thing. It's very easy to sit in my head with you, but it's just counter-productive. I rarely gain anything positive from our conversations; in fact, most of the time all I get from you is more anxiety and confusion about things. Just slow down for a minute, okay? Please? That would be great. It's difficult to stop and smell the roses, or really feel a cool breeze on my skin, or really take notice of a beautiful day when you're yammering at me all the time! Brain, don't take this the wrong way - I love you and everything, and I certainly couldn't live without you... but.... could you please do me a favor and just shut the f*ck up?!

Love,
Chelsey

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Thank you

A tribute to my nearest and dearest friends:

For keeping my tears from falling
For simply holding my hand
For keeping the darkness from calling
For helping me up to stand
Thank you.

For being a shoulder and an ear
For helping me breathe instead of drown
For settling my anxious fears
For keeping my feet on solid ground
Thank you.

For always being exactly what I need
For simply being here at all
For letting my emotions bleed
For answering every call
Thank you.

For making me laugh until I cry
For just letting me simply be
For never trying to pry
For being the friend I needed you to be
Thank you.

You know who you are. Thank you.

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Closing a chapter...

I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to do this. And this seemed to be the only logical option. So, since I pretty much use this space to spill my thoughts and feelings, here we go.

This may come as a shock to some - but if you've paid close attention at all in the last few months, it shouldn't be a big surprise. I don't like keeping big secrets to myself, and I've tried to allude to it for a while now. And while I don't think I can just come right out and say it in such black and white terms, it turns out the big fairytale of my life doesn't have a happy ending. It's a sad fact, but it's the truth. And while there is nothing but love and respect between us, and we are still (and plan to remain) friends, we've just realized that it just wasn't meant to be, unfortunately. So the next couple of months will be a difficult adjustment - but we both completely agree it's for the best.

And we both want to sincerely thank all of our family and friends for the unconditional support you've given us through all these years. We love you all.

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Carpe diem

I'm not usually at a loss for words, but lately I feel like I'm completely tongue-tied. I just can't get the words out in a cohesive manner. Normally, writing is my forte. But for some reason, the connection between my mind and my words is pleasantly scrambled and disconnected. Maybe it's because I can't really explain in words how I feel. Maybe it's because the internal fire that is burning within me can't be defined or described by words. Maybe it's because I've been completely dumbfounded by recent developments in my life. I'm simply exhausted. I'm incessantly trying to put the pieces together, from my mind down onto paper, (or in this case digital imagery) :) and it's just not working! Everything that comes out seems inadequate. And this blog entry is no exception! And I've never been quite so frustrated with myself. But the funny thing is, I don't really mind.

Learning to let go of certain things isn't easy. Learning to hand yourself over to the unknown is frightening. Taking chances is scary. But these are challenges I find myself facing right now. Everything ahead of me is uncertain, but it's okay. I've never been more ready to make a move. Is it faith in something greater than myself that everything will be okay? Or is it faith in myself to know that the path I take, will lead me where I want to go. Maybe it's a bit of both.

All I can hope for is that when I take this next leap - I'm able to catch myself before I hit the ground. And hopefully, I'll have some help with that along the way. If you're reading this and thinking "what the hell is she talking about?" good... you're not supposed to know. But if you're reading this and know exactly what I'm talking about... then you're one of those select few that I will need close by in heart and mind. Is this my prelude to the next chapter I'm about to write? I would say so...

So with that I say: here's to recognizing when life isn't giving you what you want/need, and having the courage to go after it. Carpe diem.

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Ode to October

There's just something about October, where the days slowly lengthen and are accompanied by subtle changes in the air. It is in this enchanting, myseterious month that fall truly makes its grand entrance. When I think of October, I am reminded of my childhood. Even in Florida, I was always acutely aware of the tangible difference I could feel in my surroundings once October arrived. My favorite time of day was always late afternoon and dusk. It was then that the sky turned brilliant colors of orange and gold while a gentle afternoon breeze made the trees sway slightly back and forth. The wind would softly rustle the leaves, and occasionally, a few would gracefully descend from their branches and land ever so lightly on the ground. Then, once the sun dipped lower into the sky, the bright orange and gold colors slowly transformed into pinks and purples, and finally, purple and black. October marks the beginning of the end for me; the start of the season that ends the year. It is during this time of year when I begin to reflect on months past. I always seem to say the same thing: "I can't believe it's October." Because it is always in October when I realize just how fast life is flying by.

But also in October is one of my favorite holidays - do I even need to say it? It's Halloween. It is the one time a year where it is perfectly OK to be someone else for a day. It doesn't matter who or what you want to be, you are allowed to escape your life for that day and completely submerge yourself into your own fantasy world. There's something magical about Halloween. Whether it's the eeriness of the night, the suspension of reality, or the fact that we can delve into our minds to create whatever terrifying delights we can imagine. There's something sexy about Halloween too (and I don't just mean the provocative costumes). For me, there is something intriguing about creatures that lurk in the night, where ghosts may walk and spirits may talk. Or what about the mystic glow of a jack-o-lantern? Or the shadows cast by the irridescent glow of a full moon? Or the howling of the wind on a chilly night? Or just getting spooked in the dark. It spikes your adrenaline, it gets you excited, and above all else, it peaks our curiosity about the unknown.

So for me, Halloween is more than just dressing up and getting treats (whether as a child getting candy, or an adult partying and getting drunk). It's about recognizing the creativity we all have within us to imagine unworldly worlds, ghastly characters, or discovering -if just for one night- our very own "dark side."

Happy October and have a Happy Halloween everyone.

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Confused clarity

How did you get here, trapped inside my mind?
I don't recall sending an invitation.
But you have invaded my consciousness,
unraveled riddles, and sparked revelations.

Despite no invite, would you stay if I asked?
Do you want the truth revealed, unmasked?
Fine - my mind just can't get you to leave
While clouds confuse my clarity.

Thoughts and hypotheticals swirl around,
My feet in fear of feeling the ground,
Can't I just stay here with you instead
within the dreams that dance in my head?

I can't tell you how I arrived in this place
But now my heart beats an irregular pace.
Which path to take I do not know,
Nor do I know which direction to go.

My mind is stuck in overdrive
with you, my friend, behind the wheel.
So I beg to ask you one simple question:
Do you feel what I feel?

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Miami is MAGIC

There are moments in life that can completely open the eyes you already thought were open. They're always so unexpected; they can completely knock you off your feet, and shake you to your core. During my visit home last week, I spent a couple of nights in Miami: my 2nd Florida home after Coral Springs. The first night I spent with one of my best girlfriends from undergrad - one of my college roommates. We got dressed up in some sexy clothes and headed out to the infamous city of South Beach. We spent the night drinking cocktails and dancing in a dimly lit nightclub with dark tones of red and black saturating the air. We spent hours listening to loud pumping music, the bass of which reverberated through our bodies. We were surrounded by warm bodies dancing and lights bouncing around the room, while scantily clad women twirled around glittering stripper poles. It was, by definition, a night fit for the "Magic City."

I can't remember what time it was when we left (probably around 4 am), but as we were driving down A1A, I cried out "the beach!" and my friend instantly decided I needed to dip my toes in the Atlantic Ocean. She searched for a spot to park and within a few minutes, we had our shoes in hand as we dashed through the sand towards the shore. The instant I felt the warm lapping waters caress my feet, I remember looking up to the dark starry sky and surrendering myself to the emotions that wanted to burst through every pore of my body.

The hot salty tears began flowing down my cheeks and I sobbed heavily. It was as if I had returned to the place I was born; as if the waters that touched my feet seeped in through my pores, filled me up, and spilled out through my eyes. My friend embraced me tightly and told me "it was ok" to cry. She never asked "why" I was crying, or asked "what's wrong?" She just knew, and she was just there for me. I needed a release. Simply put: I missed my home. I missed my friends. I missed my old life. And in a way, I was grieving. We were up until 5 am that night, even though I was scheduled to give a seminar at my grad school (RSMAS) the next morning...

The next day I successfully gave my seminar, went out to lunch with my marine affairs adviser, met up with my old boss at the lab I worked at, and finally proceeded to the best bar in Miami in my opinion: the Wetlab. I feel privelaged to be an alumni at RSMAS. It's such a tight-knit community. Everyone knows eachother. Everyone is friendly. And there is always that common thread that binds us all together: an undeniable love for the ocean and marine science. That night ended up being one of the best nights I have had in a long time (aside from the night prior): delicious drinks (the best I've ever had actually), good food (although some of the details are a bit hazy) and the best company I could ask for. I literally laughed all night, I cried (again) and got silly drunk. I'll never forget it.

There's just something about this city, even though some people hate it. I remember driving on the Rickenbacker Causeway, admiring the night skyline and all the lights twinkling and reflecting off the dark ocean. And I said "isn't this beautiful?" And in response, my lovely realist companion that evening points out how its overpopulated and polluted, thus making the beautiful skyline a nuisance (thanks for the buzz kill. you know who you are). Regardless, it will always give me chills when I'm driving in on the highway. Because I know the memories I make in Miami will simply be some of the best memories of my life. And now, I just can't wait to go back.

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Blast from the past

After 8 months of being away from home, I flew into south Florida yesterday afternoon. Lastnight, I rummaged through my closet in my bedroom and came across a familiar basket. This basket holds a large part of my life. In this basket resides a collection of old journals, diaries, and random pieces of paper with poems, free writes, doodles, love letters, etc. One of my diaries was from the early 90's! So I decided I would post a few of my favorites on here. I'll start out with a happy one, and then I'll take you to the dark side... hehe.

I'll start out with a writing that was inspired by a sunrise. One summer night, I stayed up all night (which was typical when I wasn't in school) sat outside on my porch, and wrote about the beginning of a new day as the sun began to rise. I was 15 when I wrote this.

07-11-2001

"The most beautiful thing is witnessing the world awakening; when night breaks away with daylight. A hint of sunlight peeks, yet stars still shine bright. The sky is the most beautiful shade of blue casting the shadows of dawn. The birds begin their lovely song. Silence is heavy, yet the sounds of nature surround me. Not a cloud in the sky: it's neverending. And in the east, the sun kisses the earth with its warm and endearing rays. Gentle light races across the sky. The sweet smell of morning dew allows me to escape into this beauty with one single breath. With every second my world is literally brightening and shining with sheer happiness. I see off in the distance shades of pink and gold, created by the sunrise that is now lighting this new day. One solitary star still shines in the company of the moon. Soon, they too shall temporarily disappear in the color of morning. Life shall now resume living, as will I. Birds fly, souls awaken, and finally, the sun has reached me. Not until tonight shall I face darkness. Until then, I will remain graced by daylight."

And now to showcase my dark side... this was one of the poems I alluded to previously that freaked my mom out when she found it and read it. I wrote this in high school.

"Restless Depression"

"Sleeping shadows slumber as I lay me down to rest,
In the midst of blackened midnight, fallen tears remain suppressed.
Cold and lonely, sister Moon, as I search for her caress,
She like me resides alone and is incessantly depressed.

I ponder and I wonder how does life just saunter by?
Like the oceans, full of notions, floating answers to my cry.
Why ignore me? Don't abhor me, I shriek a bitter sigh.
With a breath of life escaping, all too far ahead I'm thinking...
WHY?

Stubborn eyes, resist to cry, I refuse to drown tonight.
Withering soul, please keep whole, I pray with all my might.
Forceful windows, fading shadows, lock my lids up tight.
Until tomorrow, forgotten sorrows, I whispher: Sister, goodnight.

So I seep into my dreams, my struggle finally met its end.
Cease to weep, night lend me sleep, come to me my only friend.
Hours crawl, figures dance upon the walls, when will morning send?
I dread the morning, full of mourning, for my nightmare begins again."

I have many other old writings, musings, poems, etc. so look out for more in the near future! Hope you enjoyed this little trip into my past! Oh, the drama of being a teenager!!! hahaha.

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Music to my soul

If music affects you the way it affects me, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about when I say music can completely transport you to different moments in time. Music to me is almost like a time machine: it evokes all different types of memories and emotions. It can fill you up, overcome you, and bring you right back to a significant time in your past. Certain songs in particular can completely move me; even a certain key that a song is written in can produce different reactions and feelings. Memories of certain people immediately come to mind when I hear certain songs, or even artists. Jack Johnson is a good example of this for me. No matter what song it is, his soft velvety voice, accompanied by subtle underlying drum beats, and light carefree strums of a guitar always floods me with the same memories; reminds me of the same person, over and over.

I love how music can completely set the mood for any situation. Take a listen to some of the songs on my blog's playlist. They all have something in common: instruments. The sounds of violins and piano in particular coalesce to form a perfect symphony of moving melodies and harmonization. It sets the tone of how I want the reader to feel when they read my posts. Because it's how I feel when I write: moving effortlessly from one crescendo (i.e., story) to the next, one note (i.e., word) at a time. Think about movies for a moment... would it really be the same movie without the musical score? I think not. In fact, I think music makes the movies. Sometimes I wish life was like a movie in that we had our own personal soundtracks. I think it would make things so much more interesting, and exciting, and dramatic, and emotional! Could you imagine as you were trying to make a tight deadline, or speeding to get to work on time, "Chariots of Fire" was playing in the background?? Or if while you were moving in for your first kiss with someone you really like, the song "Take My Breath Away" from Top Gun came on? Or better yet, "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers (aka the love song from the movie Ghost if you didn't know). I mean, seriously... life would be so much more interesting... so much more colorful.

But alas, life isn't like the movies. We don't have personal speakers following us around on our shoulders, ready with the perfect song to play at the perfect moment. Sometimes, we just have to learn to make our own music, and follow the melodies of our own internal symphony. Hearts the percussion, breaths the strings, and our minds the composer, creating the soundtrack of our lives.

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Beauty in nature

Yesterday I decided to go for an afternoon surf even though the forecast said the waves would only be 1-2 ft (occasionally 3). I figured, going out and paddling on the ocean is better than staying inside. So I left around 3 p.m. With the lack of decent sized waves, the crowd was relatively small for a Sunday afternoon. This didn't bother me. I just figured I'd catch some small waves and enjoy myself. And I did just that.

Then, after a lull in the sets, I looked over to the surf break right next to me (Queens) and saw that not only were they catching waves, but the waves were significantly bigger. So I paddled over. For the most part, the surfers sitting farthest "outside" were locals. But that didn't really bother me. As long as you show repsect and give way when appropriate, the locals are cool. On one particular wave, I had a local stand-up paddler charging from behind yelling "wiki wiki wiki!!!" And without really thinking, I thought he was yelling at me to get out of the way because he was in a better position to catch the wave. It wasn't until I stalled and thought about what he was yelling that I realized what he was doing. "Wiki wiki" means fast or quickly in Hawaiian. So the local was actually encouraging me to paddle faster! After making that realization, I smiled to myself. It always feels great to be accepted and encouraged by the locals.
Anyway, back to the real reason for this post. Again, I was priveleged to see another beautiful sunset over the ocean while on my board. I didn't stay out until dark this time, but I stayed out until the sun went down. I always tell people that I never get tired of how beautiful Hawai'i is. After a year of living here, I still take pause when walking outside of my apartment to admire the luscious green mountains, and really embrace the warm balmy breeze washes over me. There are some particularly moving moments when I'm sitting on the water where I feel like time suspends in mid-air. Everything slows down: my heart slows, my breathing becomes deeper, and in that moment, nothing matters. Negative thoughts evade my mind and stress evaporates from my pores. With every inhale and exhale I feel more connected to my surroundings, more intune to the beauty in nature.

Sometimes I feel like the Ricky in American Beauty when he's talking about the plastic bag dancing with him. "...yesterday I realized there was this entire life behind things... and this incredibly benevolent force wanted me to know that there's no reason to be afraid... ever.... I need to remember... sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it. And my heart is just going to cave in." That's exactly how I feel sometimes when I'm out on the water. No matter how many people are around me, I feel like I'm the only person there because I'm so absorbed in the beauty around me.

And sometimes it's so intense, and so overwhelming, that I can't tell if the salty droplets of water running down my cheeks are from the ocean, or from my tears...

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Surfing in the dark

Yesterday after work, I decided to go for an afternoon surf on the fly. I needed the exercise, and more importantly, a release from the work week. It was Friday afternoon, around 5 o'clock when I entered the water. I hadn't intended for my afternoon surf to turn into dusk, to turn into night. But for some reason, I didn't tire as quickly as I normally do. And with each wave that I waited to catch, the sun would sink lower into the sky, and the large group of surfers I started out with, thinned to only a few.

The transformation that took place looked like something out of a movie. As the sun crept down from the sky and into the ocean, a golden glow emanated from the west that illuminated the waters around me. As I looked out to the horizon for incoming swells, it was still relatively bright; however, when I looked back to the city on shore, it was slowly descending into darkness. The clouds that shrouded the mountains were creeping slowly into the city. The setting sun splashed colors of pink, purple, and red along the buildings, and illuminated Diamond Head in a tawny haze. I was captivated by the contrast of dark gray clouds against the lush greenery of the mountains and the brilliance of colors from the sunset. For a moment, I felt like I had been transported to a different planet. Soon, the sun sunk into the ocean, and completely disappeared.

The waters beneath me transformed from a luscious turquoise to a deep navy. I wasn't deterred. There were still plenty of people out catching waves, which inevitably became easier because the majority of people had called it a day already. I stayed. And with each wave I caught, I wanted to catch more. The horizon was still dimly lit, but the shore was now only lit by the tiki torches and bright store fronts. The waters deepened further from navy to an inky black. I'm not going to lie - my senses were immediately heightened. I've been diving at night, in the safety of the depths with flashlights. But never have I just been hanging out on the surface of blackened water, a considerable distance from the beach. I didn't intend to stay out until it got dark, but I was waiting for one last wave to take me all the way in. This hadn't happened my entire session. The waves would slow down to white mush, only to stop where the waves usually re-build over a sandbar to continue the ride.

At this point, the waves were nearly impossible to detect. The only thing you could see was a black lump on the horizon building up and moving closer. There was no way to tell how big the waves were, or how steep, or even if it was beginning to break. All I could think of was "shit, I need to make it over that thing" and started racing towards it as fast as I could. It was too late. It was already too big and steep that it was breaking right on top of me, with a guy dropping in that I could barely see. He obviously couldn't see me either, because he was dropping in right in my direction. I rolled off my board to the side, and luckily, the wave didn't smash me too hard. As soon as I was submerged in the dark ocean, I scrambled frantically to get back on my board. But before I could catch my breath at the surface, I saw another black lump hurling towards me. I frantically tried to get myself positioned on my board and start paddling, not only to try and catch this wave in, but because the black water set my senses on edge. Again, I couldn't tell where I was positioned for this wave. I couldn't tell how big it was or how steep. But I knew I needed to at least try to catch it, because I didn't want to wait another 10-15 minutes out there on the black sea for another set.

I could hear it coming. The energy around me was electric. My heart was pounding - my thoughts raced in circles around my head. I started paddling frantically in the direction of the shore. The rumbling became louder. Finally, I felt the wave pick me up. I popped up on my feet, and to my amazement, I begin racing down this wave, and I can't see anything but the lights on the beach and their glimmering reflections on the water. It was so exhilarating that I literally screamed "WOOOHOOO!!!!" as I shot down the face. I can only imagine what it sounded like to the surfers that were still out there, now far behind me. It didn't slow down into white mush like every other wave I had caught that day. I glanced behind me only to see it re-building over the sandbar. The white water came crashing down with a deep BOOM and catapulted me forward. I kept my stance, moving subtly up and down the board to increase speed or slow down to make sure I kept up with the wave. Finally, as the wave slowed down, I dropped to my knees and started shoveling water behind me with both hands to keep myself going. My best wave of the day was in complete darkness, and I made it... almost.

When the ocean finally became still again beneath me, I still had to paddle in about 50 yards. My shoulders were on fire, adrenaline seeping from my pores, my stomach in a lose knot because of the limbs I had to dip back into the black water, one after the other, to get myself to the beach. During the day, I would normally take my time paddling back to the beach, because I'm always exhausted from each session. But this time, I paddled as quickly as my body would allow, without resting or giving my mind the chance to think about some gray torpedo lurking below. Finally, I made it to shore. I hopped off my board, quickly wrapped the leash around the tail, and scrambled up onto the beach. I looked back out to the horizon, where I had just come from. I couldn't see the surfers that I knew were out there, and I thought to myself "I was just there" ... the only thing I could see was the occasional white flash of a breaking wave, and wondering if there was a surfer riding it. With that, I ran up to the showers, rinsed my board off, and walked home among the bustling Friday night streets of Waikiki. The smile didn't leave my face the whole way home.

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Ten Friends

To 10 friends who are important to me, that have recently, or in the past, greatly affected my life. If you want to take a stab at which number you are... go ahead. I'll tell you if you get it right!

#1 Well well, you probably have no idea how much you intrigue me. You also probably have no idea that I'm talking about you when you read this- but if you have a funny feeling, you're probably right. It is hard to ignore the fact that I feel like I've known you my entire life. So quickly, I liked you. So quickly, you became a treasured friend. You are one of those people with whom the silences are rare, but never awkward. Connections like ours are hard to find and hard to describe. It's just there, you know? Laughter is always abundant; in fact, it's constant when we're together. It's the kind of laughter that always results form some ridiculous conversation or some stupid asinine joke, that's so hard and robust it shakes your bones and lifts your soul. I hate that you under-estimate yourself so much, because you have such a kind heart, such a bright mind, and an amazing tenacity for getting shit done. You're a bit of a hard nut to crack at first (nut being the operative word, HA!) but underneath... well, don't worry... I'll keep your secret...

#2 Well, what can I say about you... you're just simply amazing. You're quirky, hysterical, unique, and you light up every room you walk into. You truly have no idea how wonderful you are. You're caring, considerate, and have an unparalleled zest and passion for life. You make my heart smile everytime I talk to you. You are another person I could say any crazy thing to and you would not only never judge me, but you would either match me or out-do me in the craziness department. Our friendship developed slowly and unexpectedly at first, but over the years, you have become one of my dearest friends that I know will remain in my life forever. I hate that you have any insecurities, because when I look at you, I see someone incredibly special and beautiful, both inside and out. I just love you to pieces.

#3 We don't talk nearly enough... but I will never hold it against you. I know life is pulling you in a million directions right now. You were another unexpected friendship - a friendship I can't imagine my life without. You simply get me, and you always have. We could go months without talking and pick up right where we left off. You have an incomparable stength that I so admire, but you also have such an amazing sense of humor and such a shockingly foul mouth that reduces me to tears in laughter. Your family and friends are your number one priority, and I know that if I needed you, you would drop everything to be there for me in a heartbeat. No matter what, I know I can always 100% be myself around you. It is amazing to me how two people can be so different, yet be so similar at the same time. You are an amazing person with so much to offer the world, and I can't wait to see you kickin ass.

#4 I'm still discovering what you're all about, but I'm so grateful you came into my life. It didn't take me long at all to know that you're as real as it gets. No thrills or frills - you tell it like it is, because you're the definition of a realist. I feel like we've been friends forever, even though we've not known eachother very long. I feel like I can trust you to always give me your honest opinion and advice on things. And I respect everything you say immensely. I admire your drive and persistence to "do whatcha gotta do." You are smart, articulate, funny, and downright loveable. I hope that our friendship continues to grow and deepen. It's not often you meet someone you have so much in common with by "chance," but I'm so glad we did.

#5 You are the ultimate free spirit - always seeking the next adventure, always looking for something new in your life to fill your heart and soul - to bring you ultimate happiness. And you won't settle for anything less. Up until recently, we haven't talked for quite some time. But, I'm so grateful we broke the silent streak. You have an incredible, crazy sense of humor, always finding something to smile about. You have a unique way of viewing the world around you. You love nature just as much as I do. You are so in tune to your feelings and emotions, you wear your heart on your sleeve, and I admire you for that. You were always the life of every party, and you still are.

#6 You are by far the most unexpected friendship I've ever encountered. We are so incredibly different, yet I think it is the substance of our hearts that keeps us close. Yours is particularly huge. You genuinely care about the people in your life so much. It wouldn't matter if we were 1 mile or 10,000 miles apart, you would find the time to talk; you would find a way to be there for me. You always put other people before yourself, but sometimes, you NEED to put yourself first. You always put 100% of yourself in everything you do, whether its Uni, work, or your relationships. We had an incredible adventure together, and from that, we'll be bonded for life. To thine own self be true, my dear.

#7 I wish we talked more as well, but again, life gets in the way sometimes. We are very much alike, that is no secret. We could talk about anything, no matter how personal or intimate. You also have a huge heart, but you're definitely not afraid to call someone out when you think they're in the wrong. You have strong feelings and opinions about things, and you're not afraid to put them out there. And because I'm the same way, at times we have had some mis-communications occasionally, only to be resolved within a minute and right back to our cheerful, upbeat conversations and giggles. We've been through some unique adventures together as well. And it's no surprise our viewpoints of those times are essentially identical. You will be a friend forever, no matter the distance or time between talking.

#8 I MISS YOU. You are one of the the craziest, funniest, cutest, people I've ever met. Man we have been through some crazy times together, but always with hysterical laughter, as well as random moments of manic singing and dancing. "It's oh so quiet. Shh.. shh... It's oh, so still. Shh... shh... You're all alone. Shh... shh... and so peaceful until... you fall in love! Zing boom!" Really, that's all I need to say. You're so care-free and spirited and full of life, love, and laughter. You could brighten up the darkest day. And I miss the light you always brought to my life! You're someone people would normally hate because you're so damn stunning, but can't because you're too damn loveable!

#9 Well, it's hard to know where I would be without you in my life. You've been such a constant for so long, that it would feel strange if you were ever gone. Our friendship has seen highs, lows, and everything in between. There isn't much that we haven't been through together. Sometimes we don't see eye to eye on things, and some of our arguments have been pretty epic, but we always find a way to get back to what matters. I know that when push comes to shove, you will always be like family. There's not much else I need to say other than that.

#10 Simply put: you are an enigma. Our infrequent conversations are always wrought with confusion in my mind. Around you, reality cannot be discerned from fiction. I admire your intellect - you're very bright, very smart, very articulate and eloquent. Yet in close contact, you have a "devil may care" type of attitude. You always come across like something is missing in your life - something you just can't quite put your finger on; something you can't quite grasp. You have made a significant impact on my life whether you realize it or not, whether I like to admit it or not. You were part of my journey, and in fact, partly the reason I am where I am today. So for that, I am grateful. Keep up the good work you do, and I sincerely hope you've found "it."

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A dream within a dream...

"All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream..."

This is a quote taken from Edgar Allan Poe's "A Dream Within A Dream" poem (1850).
My favorite part of this poem is the second stanza:

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand --
How few! Yet they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep -- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitliess wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

When I was in highschool, I took a creative writing class in which we had to choose a poet to do a huge project on - and at the end of that project, we had to get up in front of the class dressed as that poet, and read an original autobiographical poem about that poet. I chose Edgar Allan Poe. And yes, I had to dress up like him and read a poem to my class about his life. I even sported a fake mustache to be more realistic. It's ironic reading "A Dream Within A Dream" now - I can see how much my recent poem "Time" draws on the same themes: mourning the loss of time, which in fact is the loss of life we cannot get back. Each minute that passes is a minute closer to death, a minute we'll never witness again. No matter how tight we grasp a handful of sand, the grains just keep slipping- just as life literally slips away from us with the blink of an eye.

As a young girl, I was enamored (in addition to the ocean of course) with the dark hours of night, the moon, the eery calm of dawn, lucid dreams, darkness, etc. and I wrote about these things in my poetry (which sort of freaked my Mom out when she would come across such writings). Poe wrote about these things too, and much of what Poe wrote about was not accepted during his time because frankly, many of his writings were just too dark and scary. Poe's poems reflected his tormented life and his tortured soul. His poetry bleeds with emotion; always set in a palpable atmosphere that leaps off the page and into your mind. In a way, I can very much relate to him. His writings also reflected his thoughts on dancing along the fine line between being "mad" and being "brilliant".

"...but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence - whether much that is glorious - whether all that is profound- does not spring from disease of thought- from moods exalted at the expense of the general intellect."

Poe's mind was so deep, so contemplative, and so imaginitive - it is hard to imagine what plagued his mind so often to produce such brilliant, yet dark writings. Poe frequently talks about dreams, dreamland, and sleepers. I have always been fascinated by the mind's ability to create such elaborate, and sometimes frighteningly vivid dreams. It's no wonder the very title of this blog is "Oceanic Dreaming" and my other blog "Honolulu Dreaming"... I have also contemplated whether or not life is nothing but a dream...wondering if dying is in fact, awakening. Poe's questions about life and death, dreams and reality, seem to strike a chord with me. I believe writing was his outlet, his passion. He alluded to the fact that no one understood him. And sometimes, I feel the same way.

There is a depth and a darkness to each of us that may or not be accessible to others; in fact, it may not even be accessible to oneself. For me, I have been acutely aware of this depth and darkness my entire life. And don't get me wrong, when I say "darkness" I'm not necessarily referring to negativity. It means that I don't just take life at face value. I sit. I think. I contemplate. And my mind creates ideas, theories, perspectives, opinions, feelings, emotions...

Here's an example: sometimes I'll sit and zoom out from myself while pinpointing my location on a map of earth. And I keep zooming out in my mind, and my point keeps getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller... to the point where I'm not visible anymore. To the point where I am no bigger than a single grain of sand within the Sahara desert. To the point that my existence is merely a microscopic blip within the unending blackness of infinite. And it makes me wonder. And it makes me feel completely and utterly powerless; completely and utterly insignificant. And then in an instant! I'm once again present in my life - back to this world, back to the room I'm sitting in, back to the people around me, to the TV playing in the background... and it makes me wonder...

is all that we see or seem, but a dream within a dream?

;-)

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Let us play

For anyone who surfs... and has eaten shit in the process.


"Let us play" she says

I say, "okay"

then stand upon the sands and pray

"Mother, please keep me safe today"

she responds, as always, "you'll be okay."



With reverence I hurl myself into blue

The sky - a palette of deep lavender hues

Faint rays of light bid night, adieu

Dawn marks the time for our game to ensue.



My breath, my calm, I try to keep

Mountains rumble from cerulean deep

She picks me up, her face so steep

But with my faith, I take a leap

Stomach drops, heart skips a beat

Hesitation hits, yet I can't retreat

Falling forward, can't find my feet

Head-first over heels, now facing defeat

She slams me down, can't see nor breathe

Clenched in the grip of her gnarly teeth

Lungs burn for the surface of the salty sea

yet a strange serentiy encompasses me

I find the space between sea and sky

Gasping, aware, and utterly alive

Hurriedly, frantically, with each stroke I glide

to get back in line for the world's greatest ride.

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Love HURTS

After a short 25 years on this planet... here's what I know for certain about love...

Love HURTS. No matter what kind of love it is- love will bite you in the ass time and time again. You love a parent or other family member - eventually, as life takes its course, they will leave you and it will shatter you. Love a pet, and the same will happen too. Love a child - though I'm not a mother - I know that kind of unconditional love can be crippling. Sometimes you can love someone so intensely, that it physically hurts. Or, you may love someone, and to your utter disappointment, they just don't love you in return... or maybe they just don't love you the way you desperately want them to. Or maybe you love someone, and they love you too, but your love is painfully unrequited. And of course, you may find that you love someone so much (to the point of physical pain), but they go and break your heart. Or you may find yourself looking back on past loves, and wonder what could've been if things had been different. And it hurts. LOVE, in any form, always hurts at some point or another. Love is an exquisite pain.

The real question is: is love worth the pain?

What do you think? (Seriously, feel free to leave me your comments, either here or on facebook. I'm really curious about your opinions).

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Time

Sometimes I find the sands of time
fall through the hourglass without reason or rhyme
Thus I always reflect on time gone by
and grasp for times I felt alive
But time is indeed no friend of mine...
I reflect on the faces, the times and places
which fill the spaces in my heart -
the laughs, the thrills, goose bumps, and chills
moments of glory, passionate stories
live vividly, wildly in mind and heart
these memories in heart will never depart.
But time keeps on and on
beating on and keeping on
relentlessly on and on
until alas so quickly the life that is mine
will reach its end in space and time
Thus keep me in your mind and heart
and we shall never truly part.
For what is heart without the mind?
It's time gone by, without reason or rhyme.

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