Ode to Honolulu

It hits me in waves - surge after surge, the salt from the earth and sea come forth through my eyes. I'm leaving my paradise home... the place where I felt like I truly "found myself" as an adult...

The other day I went for a long walk by myself to clear my mind and get some much needed exercise. I started down my usual path along the Ala Wai, turning right up Kanekapolei and heading straight through to Kalakaua to walk along the beach. When I arrived at the beach, I stopped for a moment and looked out to the endless sea. It was late afternoon and the sun was beginning to sink lower in the sky. Surfers and stand-up paddle boarders dotted the ocean's surface. I felt the tears begin to well up in my eyes - Waikiki Beach - the place where I spent hundreds of hours learning to surf and hundreds more enjoying the beautiful turquoise waves with Diamond Head as the perfect backdrop to countless dawn patrols and sunset surf sessions.

First wave at Canoes, Waikiki Beach, Summer 2011

Tahitian swell, Canoes, Waikiki Beach, Summer 2013

I continued down the beach, watching all the happy tourists with their shopping bags, the familiar smell of sunscreen hanging heavy in the air. As I got further down the beach towards Diamond Head, I spotted the typical volleyball nets set up with the same crews playing week after week. And there it was - the sight of so many brutal beat downs - beach workout. I stopped going to beach workout several months ago for various reasons (i.e., excuses) but nevertheless, I felt the lump in my throat rise and the tears fall. I  continued on into the park areas and arrived at Kaimana Beach Park... the site of so many beach BBQ's with friends - welcome parties, birthdays, holidays, or "just because..." The tears continued streaming.

Welcome BBQ for Trav

Welcome BBQ for my brother

After walking a bit further I finally reached my destination: the little walk-through to Tonggs, Suicides, and Graveyards - where I first learned to surf a short board. I stood there watching the ocean for a while, reminiscing about different surf sessions I had with different friends - I thought about the time my friend Ray and I were the only two people at Gravey's -  taking wave after wave after wave when I was first learning on my short board. After each wave, I'd look back and Ray would have his hands up in the air, indicating the number of waves I caught with his fingers: "Now you just need 10 more like that" he would yell to me. I thought about the time I was at Tonggs with Mark on a rising south swell at sunset... the waves were so big I didn't even try to catch them. I just watched and made sure I floated over each mountain of water rolling through. I also remembered the countless surf sessions around the corner at Diamond Head where I took some of my biggest drops EVER on my longboard... I also thought about the several sessions at Sui's where I caught my first real wave on my short board...

First wave on my short board at Suicides

Surfing Diamond Head, Summer 2014

I took a deep breath and sighed a heavy sigh... it was time to head home. As I walked out of the little neighborhood just beneath Diamond Head I just kept thinking how much I was going to miss this place. On my way back down Kalakaua, I stopped in at the local Yogurtland just to see the new holiday flavors. The clerk offered me some sample cups even though I was clearly not there to buy any yogurt. I walked to the back of the store and for some reason the emotional wave hit me once again. I was immediately reminded of the numerous impromptu yogurt dates I've had with my friends in the Waikiki area. A random mass text on a Friday night: "Yogurt date?" and we'd all converge at the Waikiki Yogurtland and take our sweet treats across the street to eat on the beach (wow, did not intentionally try to rhyme like that! LOL).  I swallowed the lump, thanked the clerk, and went home.

It's these random, beautiful memories that keep flooding my consciousness every day. The past 4+ years have been some of the most life-changing and amazing years of my life. Hawaii has been so incredibly good to me. I've met so many amazing people and have cultivated so many beautiful friendships that I know will last a lifetime. I learned an extremely challenging sport, both physically and mentally. I woke up everyday to the beautiful view of lush green mountains and palm trees swaying right outside my window (and no shortage of vivid rainbows)!

And last but certainly not least, I had an incredible job that took me all over the Pacific Islands region and taught me so much about protecting natural resources at the federal level. I had some amazing co-workers who also became really great friends in the process.

It is most certainly a grieving process that I have been experiencing. How could it not be? I got to live in paradise for the better half of my 20's. The process of "letting go" and "moving on" is not one that will happen quickly or easily. It is, for lack of a better word, painful. I remember feeling this way about leaving Florida. I will miss so many things about Hawaii - the laid back lifestyle, the perfect weather, the year-round surf, the beautiful scenery, perfect sunsets and happy hours, poke and acai bowls, living 5 minutes from the beach, trips to the North Shore (just to name a few)... but it's without a doubt the people I'll miss the most. To my Hawaii friends and o'hana... thank you. You've made life here incredibly fun and sweet. I am forever grateful for knowing you and you'll forever be in my heart. I love you all.

Looking forward, I know there is much to learn, much to grow, and much to love. It's time to start the next chapter of my life... but rest assured Hawaii - I'll be back!!!

Aloha nui loa....

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Life as we know it

Gah! I can't believe this is only my third post of 2013! Where has the time gone?!

Anyway... I tend to write a lot about gratitude - and there's a reason for it. Here we are again, coming up on Thanksgiving and we're all reminded to be "thankful";  yet, the only time I hear most people speak of gratitude is when they are reminded that it's Thanksgiving time again. Finding gratitude, even for the smallest of things, is a daily objective of mine. In my *humble* opinion, maintaining gratitude on a daily basis is the single most powerful strategy for keeping one sane while grounded in reality. Finding gratitude in small corners of your world is essential to maintaining happiness among the monotony of daily routine. We all get "stuck in a rut" from time to time, so-to-speak. We eat, sleep, go to work/school, maybe do something entertaining in between, then go back to sleep to begin the cycle all over again. It can get boring and it can cause us to retreat into our own heads and dwell on crap we really shouldn't be dwelling on. But there really is so much to be grateful for (yeah, I say this a lot. It's a good reminder).

Let's zoom out for a moment and take a look at the bigger picture. The mere fact that you exist at all is nothing short of a miracle. I looked this up: the genetic probability of you existing exactly as you are today has been likened to the probability of 2 million people (about the size of San Diego) getting together to each play a game of dice with trillion-sided dice. Each person rolls the dice, and they all come up the exact same number – say, 647,943,589,201.  Like I said - a miracle. I recently watched a short video on the so-called "Overview Effect," which is a phenomenon seemingly typical of astronauts returning from space. The Overview Effect refers to seeing the Earth from the outside looking in - seeing the Earth in the context of the infinite void that is our universe - a beautiful oasis in an otherwise desert of blackness - realizing that we are indeed on this tiny little rock that happens to provide us everything we need to survive while flying through space at incredible speed - understanding that all the essential elements to form the molecules of our bodies, the water we drink, the food we eat, the materials from which we build cities and so-called "empires" - originated from the guts of a dying star. In the words of Carl Sagan regarding this pale blue dot we call Earth:

"On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."

 It is realizing that we are indeed all here together on this journey through space and time, and that we are ALL connected. Now zoom back in to your own miraculous existence, and find gratitude in the undeniable fact that you are inherently special and unique. So while I'm just beginning to explore the tip of the iceberg that is the duality of my own existence - on the one hand, the incredible insignificance of this miscroscopic blip that is my life; and on the other, knowing that the energy that lives within me (you could call it a soul or spirit or whatever) will never die or be destroyed. It will continue to live on and be part of this magnificent fabric of existence that we are ALL a part of. Perhaps there is an afterlife in paradise (i.e., heaven), or perhaps I'll return to stardust when I die. Either way, I know that I am a part of something MUCH larger than anything my tiny brain can comprehend. And regardless, I am grateful that I've had this miraculous opportunity to live on this beautiful pixel of a planet. I'm grateful that I have had the opportunity to love and be loved. I'm also grateful for my ever growing and deepening relationship with the love of my life - Travis - for helping me strive towards accepting, with increasing grace (I hope), the often challenging, sad and depressing realities of life that inevitably arise and subsequently shake us to our cores - for helping me remain ever alive and aware in the present moment - for enhancing my reality in such a significant way, such that gratitude is not hard to come by. And in this very moment - I'm grateful for sweet potato chips. Because when I'm hungry for something that combines salty, sweet, and crunchy... it is the perfect snack. They are delicious. And they're right there in my kitchen for me to eat. So simple, yet so profound.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!! Lots of love, light, and gratitude to all. 

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A picture's worth a 1,000 words

The other night, I was beckoned by a couple of plastic boxes sitting next to my night stand that had been collecting dust since my Mom's last visit. I wanted to find old pictures of my Dad and me for Father's Day. Upon searching through these boxes, I became lost in the memories of times past. I quickly realized that those simple plastic boxes held the treasured contents of my life: photos ranging from the time I was just a bald blue-eyed baby in diapers, to a growing woman in college trying to find herself and chart her path into adulthood. Some of those photos made me smile warmly with fond memories of childhood innocence and playfulness. Other photos made me feel pangs of grief, whether it was for a lost loved one or for the simple fact that I am no longer the child I once was, although much of that little girl still lives wildly within me. Some of those photos made me chuckle out loud while fondly remembering some of my more mischievous antics with friends, families, and ex-boyfriends alike. And some of those photos made me weep quietly in the dark silence that had become my living room. Amazing what a simple picture can do to conjure up so much feeling and emotion -  I was so immersed looking into these windows of  my past that I failed to realize how late it had become. But I pressed on, flipping through each one with more eagerness than the last. Each photo felt like it had its own gravity - pulling me into it and allowing me to re-live parts of my life I had almost forgotten existed.

Perhaps the more somber and exhilarating realization of it all is the fact the only thing that is ever truly constant in our lives is change. As we grow, we typically move on from the familiar faces and places of our childhood. You proclaim to be someone's "BFF" as a child not knowing the harsh reality that you will likely grow apart, and those half-heart Best Friends Forever necklace charms you used to wear end up tarnished in an old jewelry box; or perhaps, you just lose it forever. That boyfriend(s) you swore you were in love with - the one(s) you thought you could never ever live without - they turn into strangers and eventually distant memories, only to resurface as an old faded picture. And you may wonder: what was I thinking? Even as an adult, you make new friends as you lose old ones. Some will stay in your lives forever and true, while others will fade into the background while you begin to wonder why you were ever friends in the first place? And some you will choose to lose because eventually you grow up and realize that the relationships we hold dear are supposed to uplift us, not restrict us. There just isn't any room for relationships that are fraught with judgments, jealousy, and negativity. It's disappointing sometimes, but nevertheless necessary.

You never realized that compared to the rest of your life... high school was a piece of cake. I'll just say it: sometimes being an adult sucks (sometimes it's cool, but staying out late drinking beer all night isn't all it's cracked up to be when the morning comes and your mouth feels like its stuffed with cotton and you're hung over for the entire day saying to yourself "I'm getting too old for this shit."

Change is inevitable. We don't typically notice our parents aging. It's not so obvious until you see their youthful glowing faces in a sepia-toned photo. But then you may go almost a year without seeing them, and realize their faces are more worn, and their hair more gray. It becomes evident that you must start to face the stark reality that those pillars of your life that instilled your core values, strength, poise, compassion, moral fiber, and love... are not permanent. Eventually, you will have to rely on what they taught you and live the rest of your life without them. But what's so incredibly sad about the cycle of life, is immensely beautiful at the same time... it is the simple fact that you may (if you choose) begin the circle of life once more. You have the ability and the choice to pass on the stories, lessons, trials and triumphs of your life - so that you may re-live life vicariously through the eyes of your children.

And although I haven't made that decision for myself just yet, I know the potential is there. And that alone makes me smile.

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The Lucky Ones

As I sit here alone in my apartment while my man is at work, the beautifully melancholy melodies of Lana Del Rey fill the room. Life really is so good. I really wouldn't blame you at all if you hated me. In fact, I'd probably hate me too. Not only did I get my dream job working for NOAA straight out of grad school, it just so happened to be located in Hawaii of all places. Most people don't get their first job that's perfectly suited for their degree and sets the path for their entire career at 24. My free time is spent either surfing, barbecuing with friends, lazying around on the beach, or staying snuggled up in my great Waikiki apartment with my wonderful guy and my pup. And somehow, I managed to land the heart of the best guy I've ever known who packed up and moved out to Hawaii all the way from Miami for me. For the first time in my life, there is no aching feeling that something is "missing" from my relationship. He is amazing. Life truly is so good... and I am so freakin lucky. So yeah. You're allowed to hate me a little bit. It's okay.

but I'm feeling jittery and a bit "on edge" from the asthma medication I just inhaled. The smoke from the bonfire we had on the beach over Memorial Day weekend has irritated my diseased airways. I've had asthma since I was a baby. But it wasn't until later in life (early 20's) that I would develop the true demons in my life: generalized anxiety and a mean case of hypochondria. It is a daily battle of will and wits within my own mind to stay in the moment and not fret about all of the things that could possibly go wrong. It is this thin gray veil that casts itself over me that I can't seem to fully escape. Sure, my life is charmed - some might even think it's perfect. And that's the part that tends to scare me from time to time. Trying to describe the feeling is difficult. It feels like I'm constantly sitting on the edge of my seat during a really tense scene in a scary movie, incessantly fidgeting, not able to relax, waiting for that bubble of perfection to BURST and crumble all around me - waiting for the ground to fall away beneath my feet. The rational part of my mind tells me that I deserve everything I have. I deserve this life. I deserve to be happy. I've worked hard to get where I am and I've undergone my fair share of heartache and disappointment in my life... yet I'm still waiting for the hammer to crush me. WHY? Is this the way I create balance in my life? I can be happy, but not TOO happy? Why can't I allow myself to fully enjoy everything that I've been given, created, and worked for without that nagging negativity in the back of my head whispering: "It won't last..." perhaps it's because I know that it won't. None of us knows how much time we have. And for whatever reason, my mind likes to preoccupy itself with that notion. I wish I could turn it off and just "be." I'm trying.

I mentioned hypochondria... let's see, so far I've worried about having MS, lymphoma, melanoma, breast cancer, brain tumor, and the list goes on. In my mind, I can't stop a small twinge, twitch, ache, or pain from being something far worse. I'm hyper aware of my body and everything that goes on within it. It's like trying to talk on the phone with someone while the TV is blaring in the background. You can't focus on the conversation because you can't drown out the TV. That is how I feel a lot of the time. I can't fully 100% concentrate on these beautiful moments that my beautiful life gives me because the constant drone of my mind's own chatter drowns everything else out. Perhaps that is the true tragedy... but I'm going to fight like hell to not let it take me over. So I eat well, I take vitamins, I try to get enough sleep, I exercise as much as I can stand (and let me tell you, the reflection in the mirror is something I battle daily too, but that's a blog for a different day) and I surround myself with people that make me feel good about me. Screw the rest!

So what is the point of me telling you all of this? To let you know that despite whatever your preconceived notions may be about any given person, you should never ever compare yourself to others because you have no clue what their journey is all about. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has their own demons to battle. We are all different and NO ONE is perfect or has the perfect life. We are all our own worst critic and our own worst enemy. We all have work we can do to improve ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. But let it not be for the attention or admiration or approval of others. Let it be for YOU and you alone. Acceptance is the first step to true love - true love of self. And truly accepting and loving yourself is the only path to true happiness. We are all lucky and/or blessed in some way or another. So hold on tightly to whatever it is that makes you one of the lucky ones and be grateful.

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Dear December

Dear December,

Last time this year, I endured one of the most difficult times of my life. But what a difference a year makes. One year later, and my life has come full circle. Last Christmas, I was forced to make the best of a really (for lack of a better word) $hitty situation. For the first time in my entire life, I was not only away from my family, but on Christmas morning, I was entirely alone. And let me tell you - you can do a lot of soul searching in a time like that. A 5-year relationship had just recently come to an end, I was 4,000+ miles away from home and my family, and what was always meant to be one of the happiest days of the year, was a sad, empty, lonely - very lonely - depressing day. I remember on Christmas night, I sat in the dark by the light of my tree trying desperately not to feel sorry for myself. I didn't cry (although I did stuff my face full of bacon wrapped shrimp and guzzled down some rum-spiked eggnog). I just knew that next year would be different. It HAD to be. And indeed - it is.

This will be the second time in my entire life that I'll be spending Christmas away from home and my family. But I am not sad, nor am I lonely, nor am I without family. In fact, I am FAR from it. In the past year, I have created an extended family (or "ohana" as they say in Hawaii). The friendships and relationships I've cultivated over the past year are extraordinary. And by far, the most poignant and meaningful relationship I've developed (aside from the one with myself) is with Travis. Over the past year+ he has been an amazing source of comfort, support, love, and friendship. He is simply an amazing human being. And this past October, after a very long year of a long distance relationship, (with only a few trips here and there for visits),  he picked up his life in Miami and moved in with me here in Honolulu. So this year, I'm dedicating my Christmas to him. Because in this season - one that's devoted to family, togetherness, love, gratitude, generosity, selflessness, hope and joy - Travis has been the embodiment of all these things for me in the past year. So even though I am far away from my immediate family (Mom & Dad, my brother, aunts and uncles, etc) I know my family is not limited to the people I'm missing in Florida. I have love and family right here on this island. Right here in this room.

What better Christmas present is there?

And I just want to end this Christmas blog by saying this: take a real good hard look in the mirror when you start to complain about the insignificant little inconveniences that sometimes make their way into our lives. In the wake of the Hurricane Sandy and Newtown, Connecticut tragedies, try your best to have a little perspective. Know that in the vast and violent nature of the universe, the fact that you exist is nothing short of a miracle. Take hold of that miracle - grasp it tightly - and may you never waste a single moment of it in regret or hopelessness. Let go of yesterday, live for today, and simply hope for tomorrow that you may try again. All we have is now... and that "now," in the grand scheme of things, is just a microscopic blip that will vanish in the blink of an eye if you're not present, awake, and aware in every moment of your life. Open your eyes. See. Hear. Smell. Taste. FEEL. If you can't find anything more to be grateful for than the simple fact that you have access to the 5 senses that make it possible to process the sheer beauty of the world around you... then focus on THAT, and find beauty wherever you can - because I promise you... it's everywhere.

With love and gratitude,
Chelsey

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2 years in paradise

It was two years ago... I can't believe it. Two years ago I got on a plane to cross an entire continent and ocean to start a new life in a brand new place: Hawaii. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. But it was one of the most poignant and life-changing decisions I've ever made. I am so incredibly lucky to be where I am today - to live in such a beautiful environment, to be surrounded by everything that I love, and to have a good job that has meaning to me. I never imagined that Hawaii (or more specifically, Honolulu) would feel like home. I always thought that the pangs I felt in my heart for my life back in Florida would never go away. And they haven't gone away completely; but over time, they've faded considerably.

Ever since the new year, after starting a new life on my own for the first time, my world has completely transformed. I am completely independent and self-reliant. I have a wonderful group of friends. I have discovered a new passion and love for surfing. I've had the most unique opportunity in re-discovering and really finding myself once again after feeling lost for a very long time. I am more sure of myself and confident in my future than I have ever been in my entire life. And most importantly: I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've been gifted with the love of one of the most beautiful souls I've ever known. And I try so hard not to ever take any of this for granted - to not ever forget just how lucky I am.

But I've never really been one to play it safe. I take risks; especially with my heart. When I see an opportunity, I rarely pass it up. I live my life by following my gut feelings and my instincts - usually a combination of my heart battling with my mind. And sometimes, it doesn't always work out. But somehow, it always does. You see - anytime something doesn't work out for me, I try to see it in light of the bigger picture: where does this lead me next? Where did this particular mistake take me? What did I learn from it, and what purpose will this lesson serve me in the future? Looking back on my life, everything fits together like perfectly chiseled puzzle pieces - a series of events all coalescing together into the perfect symphony that makes up my past, present, and future. It all makes sense when I look at my life in hindsight. And it has all led me here.

So when people are perplexed by how I make decisions, or why I take certain risks, or why I dive into something head first, and worry whether I'll get hurt or burned or disappointed: THAT'S LIFE. I'd rather play it interesting - take a leap of faith and fall into the arms of a destiny I helped create for myself, knowing I won't have any regrets... rather than take a step back and play it safe for the sole reason that it's what other people think I "should do" or what's "best". Because no one knows how to live my life - NO ONE - but me. And I am always going to live it LOUDLY and BOLDY and passionately and colorfully. Two years ago I took the biggest risk of my life. And to tell you the truth - given that and all the other decisions I've made in my entire life...

I don't think I'm doing half bad. In fact, I'm FANTASTIC.

So here's to another year in paradise, my friends. Cheers and aloha!!!

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2012: Midway

It feels like just yesterday I was talking about entering the New Year: 2012.  My year... my re-birth. And now it's already half-way over. I simply can't believe how much has transpired since last year. So far, I had my great friend and roommate from undergrad, Alex (aka Alexi-LaLa aka Crazy A) visit from Virginia Beach to bring in the New Year together and celebrate our new lives.

Then, I went home for two weeks in February to decompress and discover a new chapter of my life. I surfed on the North Shore for the first time and continue to surf all the time with my "crew." I celebrated my 26th birthday with some diving and partying.

I took a trip to San Francisco in May and explored one of the coolest cities I've ever been to with one of the coolest guys I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. 

And last but not least, I traveled to the Northern Mariana Islands and Guam for 2 weeks for work, where I got to engage with the public, meet locals, and explore some of  the intriguing history of WWII that marks those idyllic islands.

And now we're in mid-July. It's remarkable, really. And I couldn't be more grateful for where I am today, and for the people that are in my life. Since being on my own, I have come to know myself really well. I am comfortable living alone, though I am the farthest thing from alone! The friends I have discovered here are second to none - like an extended family. We take care of eachother, we have eachother's backs, we talk, we listen, we eat (and we eat WELL!), we surf, and most importantly, we have fun all the time. I've been told on a couple of occasions that my residential life here is like a real life version of "Friends." And truth be told... it is!! Only better... I mean, c'mon... we're in Hawaii, folks! Work hard, play hard. And that's exactly what we do. So to the Ala Wai crew and the surf crew... I love you guys! Thanks for being such an awesome group of friends!!!

The other part of me remains in Florida - part of me always will. But over the past 8 months or so, it seems my heart is falling more and more in love with Hawaii. Not sure I can envision settling down here permanently, but at the same time, I can't imagine ever leaving this place! It's too perfect for me. With its ocean-centric lifestyle, beautiful scenery, perfect weather year round, endless waves and aloha spirit...

I'm in love ;)

And speaking of love... I'm completely and utterly immersed in it. I am surrounded and I have surrendered. Love of life, love of family, love of friends, love of love. It's not always easy to remain positive or see the silver lining in certain aspects of life. Since I was a little girl, my Mom taught me to see rainbows as a sign from God, or the heavens, or the universe, or whatever... that everything will be okay. Go figure I'd end up in a place where rainbows are ridiculously abundant. So I'm constantly reminded that when I can take a step back for just a moment, take a deep breath of that beautiful salty air, feel the warm caress of those gentle tradewinds, listen to those crystal waves breaking upon the shore, and feel my heart beating strong and steady... all that matters is that I'm alive and that I'm happy. And I am. More so than I ever have been. So Trav, if you're reading this: thank you. Here's to looking forward to what the rest of 2012 has to offer. Bring it on.

Aloha everyone!

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Love is...

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ”

~Pablo Neruda

This has got to be one of my favorite love poems. I love it because it does not speak of love in terms of lightning bolts or thunder claps or fireworks. My idea of true love is exactly this: it grows and deepens and evolves over time. It is a solid, strong and steady undercurrent. It is deep and yes, can be dark, but also brings light and richness to every aspect of your existence. It is a true intimacy and closeness that cannot be described in words. It is an understanding, respect, and even love for not only eachother's light and goodness, but also one another's darkness, demons, and secrets... it is complete and utter trust. It is truly knowing someone: all of their faults, quirks, imperfections, insecurities, fears, etc. and loving them more for it, not despite it. It is being able to want more for their happiness than you want for your own. It is solid ground amid shaking earth. It is the entire reason for being.

And by God if you find it... don't be foolish. Hold onto it with every ounce of strength you have. And once you find it - you'll quickly realize why it never really was before it.

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The sun will always rise

Aloha!!!

I think blogger has been doing some major updates to its website because I haven't been able to post anything in what seems like forever! I wrote this poem back in November when I was going through a pretty difficult time... yet, this poem is all about hope. So I wanted to share it because it reminds me of how far I've come in such a short time. My life has completely and utterly transformed because I simply set myself free, and promptly moved on. Best decision I've ever made.

Sit silently next to me, and breathe in the salty sea

Gentle rays reach like fingers, slowly and softly caress me

Comfortable warmth illuminates love and joy on my face

Balmy breezes wrap me tightly - a sweet and tender embrace

Splashes of light spill down from the never ending sky

Like an artist painting the strokes of new life before my eyes

 Each stroke – a beat of my heart, a breath, the essence of life

Only the colorful palette of morning erases the darkness of night

Close your eyes and immerse yourself in daybreak’s enchanting glory

With each and every new sunrise, a new beginning to every story

So sink down into the earth, feeling every single grain of sand

Knowing that life is re-born each day; the night you can withstand.

Let nature fill your soul with the song she has been singing

Let go of all the doubts and fears your own mind has been creating

Lose yourself in bearing witness to the birth of a brand new day

And when the night tries to blind you, let love and light guide your way.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is never give up on hope. Because everytime the night swallows you up and dark hours seem to drag on forever... remember always: the morning will always come; the sun will always rise. 

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My first North Shore wave

This past week, I was invited by one of my neighbors in my building (Ray) to come up to the North Shore with him and a few others for a surf. He assured me we would go to a safe spot and the waves wouldn't be too big. So with a bit of trepidation (and excitement as well) I agreed. So yesterday morning, a little past 8 am, we met downstairs and loaded the boards onto his truck. The resident manager of our building (Chris) who also surfs, joined us as well. So we made the hour long drive up to the North Shore of O'ahu and began looking for our friend's truck (they had left a bit earlier than us to get a jump start on the waves). As we were driving up I asked my neighbor "so how big are the waves supposed to be?" and he said nonchalantly, "oh, maybe 3-4" and my resident manager chimed in "Oh that's perfect. That's fun size." Little did I know they were talking 3-4 HAWAIIAN, which means they're measuring the size of the wave from the BACK, not the face. So add 3 feet on to that estimate and you get 6-7 ft waves (1-2 feet over my head!) with occasional waves pumping from "out back" that reached 8 to 9 feet. When I found out, I was like "are you guys serious?" as I laughed nervously. The biggest waves I've ever been in were 4-6 at Waikiki (which is a very mellow spot). Needless to say, my stomach was turning in knots a little bit. I knew north shore is no joke. But the guys kept re-assuring me that I would be okay and that they would watch my back. I felt good. Nervous, but good.

We parked the truck, got out, and started prepping for the session. I started lathering up the sunscreen as Chris stretched out with some yoga poses and Ray changed into his boardies. I figured I should do some stretching as well (I really didn't know what I was in for). We un-tied the boards from the roofracks and started walking down the path to the beach. When we got there, we spotted Laura, another girl that came out specifically to take photos from the beach (she's a budding photographer). I was excited. I've never had any really good photos taken of me surfing before, so I was REALLY hoping she would catch me on just one wave that day. We chatted with her for a bit to make sure the other guys were in the spot we were looking at. We leashed up, walked down to the shoreline, and surveyed the conditions. Ray told me it was all about timing. The white water was impressive. The guys in the line-up didn't really look that far away... but oh boy, was I wrong.

"Ok GO!" Ray shouted, as we plunged into the water and started to paddle. Chris followed in behind. Immediately, I could tell this was going to be a bit rough and a bit of a struggle. It was like trying to cut a path through confused, angry seas. The white water was powerful and it was coming from all different directions. There was no easy way around it. We were going to have to cut straight through the impact zone to get out back behind the breaking waves. Of course, Ray surged ahead, being used to this kind of stuff, as well as surfing a shortboard that he can easily duckdive underneath the whitewash to avoid being pounded. Chris and I on the other hand, had to face the whitewash head on with our longboards. We got knocked off our boards several times. We were like ragdolls being thrashed around mercilessly. My board was ripped from my arms several times when I would attempt to do a turtle roll. Chris eventually made it. So I was the only one left behind to no surprise (I was the least experienced in the group). My arms were on fire, my breathing was ragged, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I had never experienced water with quite so much force before. I kept looking back at the beach thinking to myself: "I've barely made any progress. I'm never going to make it." Everytime the water would lay down just a little bit, I thought to myself: "If I can just paddle out quick enough, I'll be able to make it before the next set comes in."

WRONG.

At the edge of my breaking point, I got pushed back so far by one wave, I was ready to give up. I sat up on my board looking at the guys out there surfing, and thought "Damn it. I really wanted to at least try." I caught my breath for a minute and decided to give it one last go. I started cutting left, parallel to the beach, to try and avoid some of the on-coming waves. Little by little, I could tell I was making more progress than before. My shoulders were burning, but I kept saying to myself out loud "Push! Push! Push! Dammit, Chelsey! Push!" And I did... I could see the other guys getting closer and closer, which fueled my motivation. "Push!" and finally, out of breath, ready to pass out... I was out back.

I sat up on my board once again, proud of the fact that I simply made it out to a break on the north shore with some very experienced and talented surfers. They were all extremely surprised that I even made it out. I felt privleged just to be there, let alone attempt to take a wave. The guys kept telling me to keep my eye out on the horizon. Since there was a bit of a swell that day, larger waves from further out back occasionally popped up out of nowhere that you had to be constantly aware of, so that they didn't just come crashing down on top of you. On a couple of occasions, I heard one of the guys yell out "Chelsey, behind you!" and when I would look,there would be a massive wave barreling towards us. So I paddled fast towards the oncoming wave so that I could make it over the crest without it breaking on me. I was comfortable just sitting out there and watching the other guys do their thing. One of the guys said to me "Only take a wave when you're comfortable. The first time I came out here, all I did was watch and observe." So that's what I did for quite a while.

On a couple of occasions, to gather my courage, I would half-ass paddle for some waves, just to get a feel of the velocity and force at which the waves were moving. Much faster than Waikiki, that's for sure! But then, a new set was on it's way, and one of the guys yelled out "Chelsey, go for this one! Paddle!" I looked behind me, and decided "Ok, this is it!" I started to paddle, looking back occasionally at the on-coming wave, and all of a sudden I felt it's force beneath me. It was propelling me forward - I CAUGHT IT. I popped up and before I knew it the wave was starting to jack up even higher.

 I looked to my right and saw Chris riding the wave with me. We both screamed out in excitement "WOOOHOOOOO!" But before I knew it, I looked to my left and saw the wave was closing out, so I jumped off my board and got absolutely pounded by the white water. My board was ripped away going in the direction of the wave and I felt the leash yank on my leg and drag me. I reached the surface just in time for another round of white water. This time I felt the ground beneath me. I scrambled for the surface, but couldn't find it. I reached my arms and felt the air. I came up and gasped for air. "Ok HOLY SHIT. I think I'm done!" So I started to paddle in, got knocked off a few times again from all the white water, then finally made it to the beach.

To say I was "stoked" was an understatement. Not only did I paddle out on the famous North Shore, I actually successfully took a wave, and MADE IT! And to top it all off, the photographer on the beach caught it on camera. So in a couple days, I will have proof of my first North Shore wave! After everyone came in from the water, we went out for a big hearty breakfast at the Haleiwa cafe in historic Haleiwa town, and talked story for a couple hours about the waves we caught. But everyone seemed to be pretty impressed by the grom (i.e., me- the younger, less experienced surfer) that not only made it out to the break, but actually went for a wave, AND MADE IT! It was wonderful to get such encouragement and awesome compliments from these guys. It's as if they get just as excited for someone else catching an awesome wave as they do for themselves. It was the first time I really felt like I truly experienced the surfing culture in Hawaii for myself.

And I have to say - I'm totally in love with it. I can't wait to try the North Shore again!!!

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2012

For my first post of 2012, I first just want to say: 2012 is MY year.

The possibilities, the potential, the hopes, the dreams ... they're endless. Everything I want, everything I need, I will create for myself. I will go after them with gusto, and I will succeed in attaining whatever it is my heart and soul desires. I consider 2012 sort of a re-birth, if you will. It feels as though the puzzle pieces of my life are all starting to come together again, in a very meaningful way. Through this process, I have found myself once again. I have come to re-learn who I am, only to find that I am so much stronger than I thought I was, I am now much wiser than I ever was, my mind is much sharper than it ever was, and my heart, though shaken at times, has the capability of loving more than it ever did before.

Simply put - I have realized that I LOVE myself enough to always reach out for what I truly want, need, and deserve. It is beautiful to have such an awakening; to feel as if your whole world is beginning to spin in the right direction once again. To be able to let go of the mistakes and sorrows of the past, to appreciate yesterday for what it was, and to always be able to look forward to tomorrow with a smile - but always to hold fast to what life is really all about: the here and now.

It's very difficult to remember that all we are really guaranteed is TODAY. If we could all somehow learn to live for just today, we'd all be a little better off. That's not to say we can't plan or look towards the future, or reflect and learn from our pasts... but today is the only thing we can really DO something about. So make it count.

For just today, I plan to be kissed by the sun, caressed by the ocean, maybe catch a wave or two, have great conversations with a great friend, smile & laugh, and truly enjoy the fact that TODAY...

I am alive.

So here's to 2012: where each new sunrise represents a new day, a new beginning, a new opportunity, a new chance, and a new life.

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2012: A year of new beginnings

2012: a year of new beginnings

As the New Year approaches, I would like to take a moment to recognize what it means to me to wash away the trials, tribulations, and sorrows of the past year, while welcoming the hopes, dreams, and aspirations of the next. I’ve never been the type to get too “hyped up” or excited about New Year’s; however, this year is quite different.

This past year has been the mother of all rollercoasters for me: complete with highs, lows, twists, turns, and even corkscrews! Needless to say, I’ve been through A LOT. But then again, so have a lot of others. Everyone, at some point or another, faces difficulties, challenges, dark moments, along with feelings of sadness, doubt, hopelessness, fear, anger, resentment, etc. Luckily for me, there have been some very special people in my life working behind the scenes to help lift me up, give me hope, cheer me on, and ultimately, let me know that even though I’m thousands of miles away, I’m not alone… ever.

So I just want to thank you (in no particular order).

ANS – It doesn’t matter that we don’t talk on a regular basis… the fact that you bought a ticket out of the blue to bring in the New Year with me in Hawaii speaks volumes. We’re in this together! And when it counts, I know you’ll always be there. And for that, I thank you.

CH - If for only the upbeat, positive messages I get every once and a while from you, letting me know that you're thinking of me and that you love me, well that's something to be thankful for. Thank you for keeping me so close in thought and listening when you can.

CGM – You have been a great sounding board. I have always appreciated your advice and opinions on things, but even more so, I am so grateful for your unconditional support through everything. I know, even though we haven’t known each other very long, you would do anything you could to help me out. It’s great having you so close by now!

JA - Thanks for always keeping things light and funny. You don't really let me get into the nitty gritty details of things. You just give me a simple "You'll be fine" or "It'll be ok" letting me know that you're not that worried... and that keeps me from worrying too. Sometimes others know your strength better than yourself. And it's wonderful you've given me that reminder.

LM – Since you sit right next to me everyday at work, it’s almost impossible not to share what’s going on in our lives. Our irrational thoughts are quite comical at times, but I'm glad we have eachother to talk ourselves down! Thank you for being a great listener and being my patron partner when needed. I’m glad we’ve realized we have so much in common!

NAM- You and I have both been through a lot this year. But I know we are not far from eachother's hearts. Thanks for the skype chats and keeping me in the loop with things even though your 4000 miles away. And thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder when it all started to fall apart. I love you always.

NCS- Despite beings thousands of miles away, in different hemispheres, and different days even, you have been a wonderful sounding board, and have always offered me wonderful, heart-felt advice. Thank you for listening, and thank you for being a great friend. Our stories are so similar... and even though it sucks that we've both had to go through such hardships - it's comforting to know we have eachother to lean on through this process.

TBT– What can I say? Well, just about anything really. And that’s the point. You’ve become one of my best friends. So simply, I just want to thank you for being you. You have kept me sane when I felt crazy, let me vent without judgment, surprised me with the unexpected, made me cry til I laughed, made me laugh til I cried… but above all, you’ve given me hope. So, thank you.

So coming into the New Year, I am simply looking forward. I am embracing the changes in my life. I am keeping my heart and mind wide open. I look forward to doing well in my job, meeting new friends any chance I get, and possibly, finding new meanings and facets of the words "peace, love, and happiness."

CHEERS and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

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Perspective is Powerful

As we get closer to the end of another year, I am forced to take a good, hard look at myself, my life, my choices, my circumstances. It would be very easy for me to sink into a dark hole, feel sorry for myself, and cry. But, it hasn't happened yet, and I don't plan to let it. This Christmas will be very different for me, indeed. For the first time in my entire life, I will not be spending Christmas with my family. For the first time in my entire life, I am living completely and utterly on my own, by myself. For the first time in a long time, I have not wrapped a single present. And for the first time, in a long time, I do not have a man physically by my side. I am 4,000+ miles away from the people I love and care for the most: my family and most of my friends. That, in and of itself, is hard. But at Christmas, a holiday that as always been marked with such tradition in my life, one that has always been dearest to my heart... it makes the situation even more difficult.

So as I sit in my apartment at night by myself, looking at the Christmas tree I decorated despite it all, with presents underneath just for me, sent from my Mom... I could easily be very sad. But, I am trying my best to actively choose to view this Christmas - this whole year actually - with a different perspective: a positive perspective. I am going to try, with every fiber of my being, to embrace this Christmas like none other before, and truly relish the time I have to be with myself. And while the people I love and care for most are not physically here with me, I know they are close in heart and mind. And above all, I still have so much to be grateful for.

But I really and truly believe I just need this time - to re-establish the most important relationship in my life; to really get to know the only person I'll never ever lose: myself. Christmas is supposed to be about the gifts of life, love, family, and friendship. And I truly have all of those things in my life. But never have I truly known the meaning of Christmas as much as I do now. With so many distractions (e.g., shopping, decorations, holiday music, presents, big extravagant feasts, etc.) it is hard to remember the reasons for the season.

Be good to one another. Love fully. Laugh hard and often. Find gratitude. Enjoy your family and friends, and remember to be thankful for each and every one of them. And know, that no matter what, no matter how hard things may seem at any given moment: life, and everything associated with it, keeps on moving. As should you.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I know mine will be the most significant New Year I've ever had. 2010 and 2011 have probably been the hardest 2 years of my life. But I have a feeling 2012 may just be MY year. ;)

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Defying synicism

I guess it's that time in life - when everyone seems to be getting married and/or having babies: the mid-20's/early 30's. It's hard to think I was already one of "them." But I'm trying my best not to be synical - hoping and wishing that all of my friends that are getting married or just recently got married, will hold true to their vows: "to love and to cherish, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part." But unfortunately, I know for a fact not everyone makes it. And what I want people to know is: it's okay. Life, if anything, goes on.

I meant them when I said them - those vows. I don't think anyone that gets married ever thinks it won't work in the end. But that's life. Sometimes you just grow apart, and find that there are more differences between you than can be reconciled. People change and evolve every single day. I guess what's important is to make sure you're always on the same page, and that you're growing together in the same direction. Communication (open and often) and trust are probably what I consider to be the two most important facets of a successful relationship. But you also have to have something solid to build upon, like a strong foundation of friendship. You have to let eachother be their own person, but also recognize that the individual parts make up the whole. Having the ability to compromise is important. And by compromise, I don't mean compromising the core beliefs and values that ultimately direct your moral compass; but, knowing and completely accepting the fact that allowing the other person into your life, completely, will inevitably change some things.

I strongly believe that people need to be on similar levels: emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, mentally... if you're not a match on most of those things - well, time will certainly unveil reality. You should not be blinded by lust, physical attraction, infatuation, etc... there HAS to be something more, something deeper, to fall back on. If not, that type of "love" is just not sustainable in the long-term. And if you don't have ALL of that stuff figured out before you take the plunge... well, I hate to be the one to break it to you... but it probably won't work.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that when I think of a life-long love, one worthy of the institution of marriage, I guess I agree with the following quote:

"True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another."

And I still believe in it... completely.

But hey... what does anyone really know about love? It's got to be one of the most ridiculous, crazy, beautiful, maddening, life-altering, indefinable emotions I've ever come across. ;-)

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Sleep and dream

Sinking in the silent slumber of darkness
I succumb to the gravity of night
Starry skies and shadows whisper to me:
Shh... be still - sleep and dream.

But life settles on my silhouette
A sheath of thick blankets and sheets suffocating-
Swiftly sucking the breath from my lungs
And swallows me whole. Shh.

Shh. Speak not a word, tired soul
Slowly descend into your dreamland
Shut your eyes, seal your lips, breathe
Savor your sleep, and sweet dreams.

Shh. Surrender your eyes and mind, for
these dreams seep surreptitiously -
Envelop your slumbering soul, only
Releasing you by the light of sunrise.

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Haven't met him...yet.

For anyone who knows their worth, and is still looking for that "one" to know it too. :)

He likes me, really likes me
My eyes, smile, laugh, lips
My curves, skin, hands, hips
He sees me, really sees me
Everything I am, everything I want to be
Everything I was, everything I will be
He knows me, really knows me
The dark, the light, the surface, the deep
And walks right through the walls I keep
He wants me, really wants me
Body and mind, heart and soul
Whether I'm broken or entirely whole
He needs me, really needs me
To make him smile, calm his fears
In his heart, I'm always near
He loves me, really loves me
And I'd give myself without regret
Because he likes me, sees me,
knows me, wants me, needs me,
and loves me...
I just haven't met him yet.

*NOTE* For those few who have expressed concern (and for those of you who haven't but wonder to yourself if I'm "OK") just for the record, not everything I write is from MY point of view. I like to take on different personas in my poetry/writings, so please don't take everything I write so literally. No, I'm not depressed, I'm not sad, I'm not even down! In fact, I'm actually happier than a pig n' shit! ;-) Thanks for reading!

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Thankful

It's Thanksgiving tomorrow. We all know what that means. We all look forward to stuffing our faces full to capacity with a feast that most people in this world dream about, then roll our gluttonous, over-stuffed bodies over to the couch, and blame the tryptophan (not the fact that we just ate about 2,000 calories of fatty, carby, sugary goodness in one sitting) for dozing in and out of consciousness while football plays on the TV in the background. Turkey, gravy, cranberry sauce, potatos, yams, casseroles, pies, biscuits... are we not lucky? Should we not stop to breathe in deep the sweet and savory aromas of a Thanksgiving meal, and be grateful?

Gratitude is an amazing thing. It keeps you grounded. It keeps you humble. It keeps you satisfied - and while you may want more from life, gratitude helps you accept the fact that sometimes you can't always have what you want the exact moment that you want it... because it helps to reduce that disappointment you feel when things don't go exactly the way you want it to. Stay grateful. Things can always be much worse. Stop and take a look around - do you really, and truthfully, honestly have it that bad? Probably not...

So what am I thankful for this year? Well I'm thankful I'm alive for starters. I'm healthy, I'm in relatively good shape, I'm not ill, I have no ailments, I've got all my limbs, my lungs are breathing and my heart is beating. Awesome! Aside from the obvious, I'm thankful for my friends and family. Love is by far one of the most important things in life to be grateful for. If you can love someone, and be loved in return, then you can be grateful you've had the opportunity to feel that. I have some of the best friends in the world - and they are scattered all over the world too! St. Kitts, Canada, Australia, Florida, Virginia... but it doesn't matter - no matter how far away they are, no matter the time difference, they are always there for me, without fail. To have friends like that, I consider myself extremely lucky. And I'm grateful for each and every one of them. One person in particular (and you know who you are) I'm not sure where I'd be right now if it weren't for you. Thank you for being you, and thank you for being in my life. I'm grateful for knowing you.

And of course I'm thankful I have a job in something I actually studied for, and on top of that, I get to live in a beautiful paradise every single day. Sure, things haven't always gone as planned for me. Sure, I didn't expect to be in the position I'm in at this point in my life. But I'm not going to be down. I'm not going to drag myself through the ditches and beat myself up for mistakes I've made, and failures I've experienced. All of those things make me who I am. All of those dark moments have molded me into a stronger, more confident woman. And the best part is - there's a light at the end of this tunnel. A bright light. And I can see it, I can feel it... the light is mine, because I choose it. I'm thankful that the lightbulb finally went off for me. Because now, more than ever in my life, I know exactly what I want and what I need to be happy. And I will never settle for anything less.

Gratitude. Find it. And hold onto it tightly. It can save you.

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Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

Could you please just quiet down for a minute? You're too loud these days. I can't concentrate on the life in front of me because you keep distracting me away from it. I'd love to sit and chit-chat with you all day, but then I realize the day is gone - and I haven't accomplished a damn thing. It's very easy to sit in my head with you, but it's just counter-productive. I rarely gain anything positive from our conversations; in fact, most of the time all I get from you is more anxiety and confusion about things. Just slow down for a minute, okay? Please? That would be great. It's difficult to stop and smell the roses, or really feel a cool breeze on my skin, or really take notice of a beautiful day when you're yammering at me all the time! Brain, don't take this the wrong way - I love you and everything, and I certainly couldn't live without you... but.... could you please do me a favor and just shut the f*ck up?!

Love,
Chelsey

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Thank you

A tribute to my nearest and dearest friends:

For keeping my tears from falling
For simply holding my hand
For keeping the darkness from calling
For helping me up to stand
Thank you.

For being a shoulder and an ear
For helping me breathe instead of drown
For settling my anxious fears
For keeping my feet on solid ground
Thank you.

For always being exactly what I need
For simply being here at all
For letting my emotions bleed
For answering every call
Thank you.

For making me laugh until I cry
For just letting me simply be
For never trying to pry
For being the friend I needed you to be
Thank you.

You know who you are. Thank you.

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Closing a chapter...

I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to do this. And this seemed to be the only logical option. So, since I pretty much use this space to spill my thoughts and feelings, here we go.

This may come as a shock to some - but if you've paid close attention at all in the last few months, it shouldn't be a big surprise. I don't like keeping big secrets to myself, and I've tried to allude to it for a while now. And while I don't think I can just come right out and say it in such black and white terms, it turns out the big fairytale of my life doesn't have a happy ending. It's a sad fact, but it's the truth. And while there is nothing but love and respect between us, and we are still (and plan to remain) friends, we've just realized that it just wasn't meant to be, unfortunately. So the next couple of months will be a difficult adjustment - but we both completely agree it's for the best.

And we both want to sincerely thank all of our family and friends for the unconditional support you've given us through all these years. We love you all.

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