Carpe diem

I'm not usually at a loss for words, but lately I feel like I'm completely tongue-tied. I just can't get the words out in a cohesive manner. Normally, writing is my forte. But for some reason, the connection between my mind and my words is pleasantly scrambled and disconnected. Maybe it's because I can't really explain in words how I feel. Maybe it's because the internal fire that is burning within me can't be defined or described by words. Maybe it's because I've been completely dumbfounded by recent developments in my life. I'm simply exhausted. I'm incessantly trying to put the pieces together, from my mind down onto paper, (or in this case digital imagery) :) and it's just not working! Everything that comes out seems inadequate. And this blog entry is no exception! And I've never been quite so frustrated with myself. But the funny thing is, I don't really mind.

Learning to let go of certain things isn't easy. Learning to hand yourself over to the unknown is frightening. Taking chances is scary. But these are challenges I find myself facing right now. Everything ahead of me is uncertain, but it's okay. I've never been more ready to make a move. Is it faith in something greater than myself that everything will be okay? Or is it faith in myself to know that the path I take, will lead me where I want to go. Maybe it's a bit of both.

All I can hope for is that when I take this next leap - I'm able to catch myself before I hit the ground. And hopefully, I'll have some help with that along the way. If you're reading this and thinking "what the hell is she talking about?" good... you're not supposed to know. But if you're reading this and know exactly what I'm talking about... then you're one of those select few that I will need close by in heart and mind. Is this my prelude to the next chapter I'm about to write? I would say so...

So with that I say: here's to recognizing when life isn't giving you what you want/need, and having the courage to go after it. Carpe diem.

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Ode to October

There's just something about October, where the days slowly lengthen and are accompanied by subtle changes in the air. It is in this enchanting, myseterious month that fall truly makes its grand entrance. When I think of October, I am reminded of my childhood. Even in Florida, I was always acutely aware of the tangible difference I could feel in my surroundings once October arrived. My favorite time of day was always late afternoon and dusk. It was then that the sky turned brilliant colors of orange and gold while a gentle afternoon breeze made the trees sway slightly back and forth. The wind would softly rustle the leaves, and occasionally, a few would gracefully descend from their branches and land ever so lightly on the ground. Then, once the sun dipped lower into the sky, the bright orange and gold colors slowly transformed into pinks and purples, and finally, purple and black. October marks the beginning of the end for me; the start of the season that ends the year. It is during this time of year when I begin to reflect on months past. I always seem to say the same thing: "I can't believe it's October." Because it is always in October when I realize just how fast life is flying by.

But also in October is one of my favorite holidays - do I even need to say it? It's Halloween. It is the one time a year where it is perfectly OK to be someone else for a day. It doesn't matter who or what you want to be, you are allowed to escape your life for that day and completely submerge yourself into your own fantasy world. There's something magical about Halloween. Whether it's the eeriness of the night, the suspension of reality, or the fact that we can delve into our minds to create whatever terrifying delights we can imagine. There's something sexy about Halloween too (and I don't just mean the provocative costumes). For me, there is something intriguing about creatures that lurk in the night, where ghosts may walk and spirits may talk. Or what about the mystic glow of a jack-o-lantern? Or the shadows cast by the irridescent glow of a full moon? Or the howling of the wind on a chilly night? Or just getting spooked in the dark. It spikes your adrenaline, it gets you excited, and above all else, it peaks our curiosity about the unknown.

So for me, Halloween is more than just dressing up and getting treats (whether as a child getting candy, or an adult partying and getting drunk). It's about recognizing the creativity we all have within us to imagine unworldly worlds, ghastly characters, or discovering -if just for one night- our very own "dark side."

Happy October and have a Happy Halloween everyone.

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Confused clarity

How did you get here, trapped inside my mind?
I don't recall sending an invitation.
But you have invaded my consciousness,
unraveled riddles, and sparked revelations.

Despite no invite, would you stay if I asked?
Do you want the truth revealed, unmasked?
Fine - my mind just can't get you to leave
While clouds confuse my clarity.

Thoughts and hypotheticals swirl around,
My feet in fear of feeling the ground,
Can't I just stay here with you instead
within the dreams that dance in my head?

I can't tell you how I arrived in this place
But now my heart beats an irregular pace.
Which path to take I do not know,
Nor do I know which direction to go.

My mind is stuck in overdrive
with you, my friend, behind the wheel.
So I beg to ask you one simple question:
Do you feel what I feel?

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Miami is MAGIC

There are moments in life that can completely open the eyes you already thought were open. They're always so unexpected; they can completely knock you off your feet, and shake you to your core. During my visit home last week, I spent a couple of nights in Miami: my 2nd Florida home after Coral Springs. The first night I spent with one of my best girlfriends from undergrad - one of my college roommates. We got dressed up in some sexy clothes and headed out to the infamous city of South Beach. We spent the night drinking cocktails and dancing in a dimly lit nightclub with dark tones of red and black saturating the air. We spent hours listening to loud pumping music, the bass of which reverberated through our bodies. We were surrounded by warm bodies dancing and lights bouncing around the room, while scantily clad women twirled around glittering stripper poles. It was, by definition, a night fit for the "Magic City."

I can't remember what time it was when we left (probably around 4 am), but as we were driving down A1A, I cried out "the beach!" and my friend instantly decided I needed to dip my toes in the Atlantic Ocean. She searched for a spot to park and within a few minutes, we had our shoes in hand as we dashed through the sand towards the shore. The instant I felt the warm lapping waters caress my feet, I remember looking up to the dark starry sky and surrendering myself to the emotions that wanted to burst through every pore of my body.

The hot salty tears began flowing down my cheeks and I sobbed heavily. It was as if I had returned to the place I was born; as if the waters that touched my feet seeped in through my pores, filled me up, and spilled out through my eyes. My friend embraced me tightly and told me "it was ok" to cry. She never asked "why" I was crying, or asked "what's wrong?" She just knew, and she was just there for me. I needed a release. Simply put: I missed my home. I missed my friends. I missed my old life. And in a way, I was grieving. We were up until 5 am that night, even though I was scheduled to give a seminar at my grad school (RSMAS) the next morning...

The next day I successfully gave my seminar, went out to lunch with my marine affairs adviser, met up with my old boss at the lab I worked at, and finally proceeded to the best bar in Miami in my opinion: the Wetlab. I feel privelaged to be an alumni at RSMAS. It's such a tight-knit community. Everyone knows eachother. Everyone is friendly. And there is always that common thread that binds us all together: an undeniable love for the ocean and marine science. That night ended up being one of the best nights I have had in a long time (aside from the night prior): delicious drinks (the best I've ever had actually), good food (although some of the details are a bit hazy) and the best company I could ask for. I literally laughed all night, I cried (again) and got silly drunk. I'll never forget it.

There's just something about this city, even though some people hate it. I remember driving on the Rickenbacker Causeway, admiring the night skyline and all the lights twinkling and reflecting off the dark ocean. And I said "isn't this beautiful?" And in response, my lovely realist companion that evening points out how its overpopulated and polluted, thus making the beautiful skyline a nuisance (thanks for the buzz kill. you know who you are). Regardless, it will always give me chills when I'm driving in on the highway. Because I know the memories I make in Miami will simply be some of the best memories of my life. And now, I just can't wait to go back.

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Blast from the past

After 8 months of being away from home, I flew into south Florida yesterday afternoon. Lastnight, I rummaged through my closet in my bedroom and came across a familiar basket. This basket holds a large part of my life. In this basket resides a collection of old journals, diaries, and random pieces of paper with poems, free writes, doodles, love letters, etc. One of my diaries was from the early 90's! So I decided I would post a few of my favorites on here. I'll start out with a happy one, and then I'll take you to the dark side... hehe.

I'll start out with a writing that was inspired by a sunrise. One summer night, I stayed up all night (which was typical when I wasn't in school) sat outside on my porch, and wrote about the beginning of a new day as the sun began to rise. I was 15 when I wrote this.

07-11-2001

"The most beautiful thing is witnessing the world awakening; when night breaks away with daylight. A hint of sunlight peeks, yet stars still shine bright. The sky is the most beautiful shade of blue casting the shadows of dawn. The birds begin their lovely song. Silence is heavy, yet the sounds of nature surround me. Not a cloud in the sky: it's neverending. And in the east, the sun kisses the earth with its warm and endearing rays. Gentle light races across the sky. The sweet smell of morning dew allows me to escape into this beauty with one single breath. With every second my world is literally brightening and shining with sheer happiness. I see off in the distance shades of pink and gold, created by the sunrise that is now lighting this new day. One solitary star still shines in the company of the moon. Soon, they too shall temporarily disappear in the color of morning. Life shall now resume living, as will I. Birds fly, souls awaken, and finally, the sun has reached me. Not until tonight shall I face darkness. Until then, I will remain graced by daylight."

And now to showcase my dark side... this was one of the poems I alluded to previously that freaked my mom out when she found it and read it. I wrote this in high school.

"Restless Depression"

"Sleeping shadows slumber as I lay me down to rest,
In the midst of blackened midnight, fallen tears remain suppressed.
Cold and lonely, sister Moon, as I search for her caress,
She like me resides alone and is incessantly depressed.

I ponder and I wonder how does life just saunter by?
Like the oceans, full of notions, floating answers to my cry.
Why ignore me? Don't abhor me, I shriek a bitter sigh.
With a breath of life escaping, all too far ahead I'm thinking...
WHY?

Stubborn eyes, resist to cry, I refuse to drown tonight.
Withering soul, please keep whole, I pray with all my might.
Forceful windows, fading shadows, lock my lids up tight.
Until tomorrow, forgotten sorrows, I whispher: Sister, goodnight.

So I seep into my dreams, my struggle finally met its end.
Cease to weep, night lend me sleep, come to me my only friend.
Hours crawl, figures dance upon the walls, when will morning send?
I dread the morning, full of mourning, for my nightmare begins again."

I have many other old writings, musings, poems, etc. so look out for more in the near future! Hope you enjoyed this little trip into my past! Oh, the drama of being a teenager!!! hahaha.

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Music to my soul

If music affects you the way it affects me, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about when I say music can completely transport you to different moments in time. Music to me is almost like a time machine: it evokes all different types of memories and emotions. It can fill you up, overcome you, and bring you right back to a significant time in your past. Certain songs in particular can completely move me; even a certain key that a song is written in can produce different reactions and feelings. Memories of certain people immediately come to mind when I hear certain songs, or even artists. Jack Johnson is a good example of this for me. No matter what song it is, his soft velvety voice, accompanied by subtle underlying drum beats, and light carefree strums of a guitar always floods me with the same memories; reminds me of the same person, over and over.

I love how music can completely set the mood for any situation. Take a listen to some of the songs on my blog's playlist. They all have something in common: instruments. The sounds of violins and piano in particular coalesce to form a perfect symphony of moving melodies and harmonization. It sets the tone of how I want the reader to feel when they read my posts. Because it's how I feel when I write: moving effortlessly from one crescendo (i.e., story) to the next, one note (i.e., word) at a time. Think about movies for a moment... would it really be the same movie without the musical score? I think not. In fact, I think music makes the movies. Sometimes I wish life was like a movie in that we had our own personal soundtracks. I think it would make things so much more interesting, and exciting, and dramatic, and emotional! Could you imagine as you were trying to make a tight deadline, or speeding to get to work on time, "Chariots of Fire" was playing in the background?? Or if while you were moving in for your first kiss with someone you really like, the song "Take My Breath Away" from Top Gun came on? Or better yet, "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers (aka the love song from the movie Ghost if you didn't know). I mean, seriously... life would be so much more interesting... so much more colorful.

But alas, life isn't like the movies. We don't have personal speakers following us around on our shoulders, ready with the perfect song to play at the perfect moment. Sometimes, we just have to learn to make our own music, and follow the melodies of our own internal symphony. Hearts the percussion, breaths the strings, and our minds the composer, creating the soundtrack of our lives.

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Beauty in nature

Yesterday I decided to go for an afternoon surf even though the forecast said the waves would only be 1-2 ft (occasionally 3). I figured, going out and paddling on the ocean is better than staying inside. So I left around 3 p.m. With the lack of decent sized waves, the crowd was relatively small for a Sunday afternoon. This didn't bother me. I just figured I'd catch some small waves and enjoy myself. And I did just that.

Then, after a lull in the sets, I looked over to the surf break right next to me (Queens) and saw that not only were they catching waves, but the waves were significantly bigger. So I paddled over. For the most part, the surfers sitting farthest "outside" were locals. But that didn't really bother me. As long as you show repsect and give way when appropriate, the locals are cool. On one particular wave, I had a local stand-up paddler charging from behind yelling "wiki wiki wiki!!!" And without really thinking, I thought he was yelling at me to get out of the way because he was in a better position to catch the wave. It wasn't until I stalled and thought about what he was yelling that I realized what he was doing. "Wiki wiki" means fast or quickly in Hawaiian. So the local was actually encouraging me to paddle faster! After making that realization, I smiled to myself. It always feels great to be accepted and encouraged by the locals.
Anyway, back to the real reason for this post. Again, I was priveleged to see another beautiful sunset over the ocean while on my board. I didn't stay out until dark this time, but I stayed out until the sun went down. I always tell people that I never get tired of how beautiful Hawai'i is. After a year of living here, I still take pause when walking outside of my apartment to admire the luscious green mountains, and really embrace the warm balmy breeze washes over me. There are some particularly moving moments when I'm sitting on the water where I feel like time suspends in mid-air. Everything slows down: my heart slows, my breathing becomes deeper, and in that moment, nothing matters. Negative thoughts evade my mind and stress evaporates from my pores. With every inhale and exhale I feel more connected to my surroundings, more intune to the beauty in nature.

Sometimes I feel like the Ricky in American Beauty when he's talking about the plastic bag dancing with him. "...yesterday I realized there was this entire life behind things... and this incredibly benevolent force wanted me to know that there's no reason to be afraid... ever.... I need to remember... sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it. And my heart is just going to cave in." That's exactly how I feel sometimes when I'm out on the water. No matter how many people are around me, I feel like I'm the only person there because I'm so absorbed in the beauty around me.

And sometimes it's so intense, and so overwhelming, that I can't tell if the salty droplets of water running down my cheeks are from the ocean, or from my tears...

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