Love is...

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ”

~Pablo Neruda

This has got to be one of my favorite love poems. I love it because it does not speak of love in terms of lightning bolts or thunder claps or fireworks. My idea of true love is exactly this: it grows and deepens and evolves over time. It is a solid, strong and steady undercurrent. It is deep and yes, can be dark, but also brings light and richness to every aspect of your existence. It is a true intimacy and closeness that cannot be described in words. It is an understanding, respect, and even love for not only eachother's light and goodness, but also one another's darkness, demons, and secrets... it is complete and utter trust. It is truly knowing someone: all of their faults, quirks, imperfections, insecurities, fears, etc. and loving them more for it, not despite it. It is being able to want more for their happiness than you want for your own. It is solid ground amid shaking earth. It is the entire reason for being.

And by God if you find it... don't be foolish. Hold onto it with every ounce of strength you have. And once you find it - you'll quickly realize why it never really was before it.

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The sun will always rise

Aloha!!!

I think blogger has been doing some major updates to its website because I haven't been able to post anything in what seems like forever! I wrote this poem back in November when I was going through a pretty difficult time... yet, this poem is all about hope. So I wanted to share it because it reminds me of how far I've come in such a short time. My life has completely and utterly transformed because I simply set myself free, and promptly moved on. Best decision I've ever made.

Sit silently next to me, and breathe in the salty sea

Gentle rays reach like fingers, slowly and softly caress me

Comfortable warmth illuminates love and joy on my face

Balmy breezes wrap me tightly - a sweet and tender embrace

Splashes of light spill down from the never ending sky

Like an artist painting the strokes of new life before my eyes

 Each stroke – a beat of my heart, a breath, the essence of life

Only the colorful palette of morning erases the darkness of night

Close your eyes and immerse yourself in daybreak’s enchanting glory

With each and every new sunrise, a new beginning to every story

So sink down into the earth, feeling every single grain of sand

Knowing that life is re-born each day; the night you can withstand.

Let nature fill your soul with the song she has been singing

Let go of all the doubts and fears your own mind has been creating

Lose yourself in bearing witness to the birth of a brand new day

And when the night tries to blind you, let love and light guide your way.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is never give up on hope. Because everytime the night swallows you up and dark hours seem to drag on forever... remember always: the morning will always come; the sun will always rise. 

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My first North Shore wave

This past week, I was invited by one of my neighbors in my building (Ray) to come up to the North Shore with him and a few others for a surf. He assured me we would go to a safe spot and the waves wouldn't be too big. So with a bit of trepidation (and excitement as well) I agreed. So yesterday morning, a little past 8 am, we met downstairs and loaded the boards onto his truck. The resident manager of our building (Chris) who also surfs, joined us as well. So we made the hour long drive up to the North Shore of O'ahu and began looking for our friend's truck (they had left a bit earlier than us to get a jump start on the waves). As we were driving up I asked my neighbor "so how big are the waves supposed to be?" and he said nonchalantly, "oh, maybe 3-4" and my resident manager chimed in "Oh that's perfect. That's fun size." Little did I know they were talking 3-4 HAWAIIAN, which means they're measuring the size of the wave from the BACK, not the face. So add 3 feet on to that estimate and you get 6-7 ft waves (1-2 feet over my head!) with occasional waves pumping from "out back" that reached 8 to 9 feet. When I found out, I was like "are you guys serious?" as I laughed nervously. The biggest waves I've ever been in were 4-6 at Waikiki (which is a very mellow spot). Needless to say, my stomach was turning in knots a little bit. I knew north shore is no joke. But the guys kept re-assuring me that I would be okay and that they would watch my back. I felt good. Nervous, but good.

We parked the truck, got out, and started prepping for the session. I started lathering up the sunscreen as Chris stretched out with some yoga poses and Ray changed into his boardies. I figured I should do some stretching as well (I really didn't know what I was in for). We un-tied the boards from the roofracks and started walking down the path to the beach. When we got there, we spotted Laura, another girl that came out specifically to take photos from the beach (she's a budding photographer). I was excited. I've never had any really good photos taken of me surfing before, so I was REALLY hoping she would catch me on just one wave that day. We chatted with her for a bit to make sure the other guys were in the spot we were looking at. We leashed up, walked down to the shoreline, and surveyed the conditions. Ray told me it was all about timing. The white water was impressive. The guys in the line-up didn't really look that far away... but oh boy, was I wrong.

"Ok GO!" Ray shouted, as we plunged into the water and started to paddle. Chris followed in behind. Immediately, I could tell this was going to be a bit rough and a bit of a struggle. It was like trying to cut a path through confused, angry seas. The white water was powerful and it was coming from all different directions. There was no easy way around it. We were going to have to cut straight through the impact zone to get out back behind the breaking waves. Of course, Ray surged ahead, being used to this kind of stuff, as well as surfing a shortboard that he can easily duckdive underneath the whitewash to avoid being pounded. Chris and I on the other hand, had to face the whitewash head on with our longboards. We got knocked off our boards several times. We were like ragdolls being thrashed around mercilessly. My board was ripped from my arms several times when I would attempt to do a turtle roll. Chris eventually made it. So I was the only one left behind to no surprise (I was the least experienced in the group). My arms were on fire, my breathing was ragged, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I had never experienced water with quite so much force before. I kept looking back at the beach thinking to myself: "I've barely made any progress. I'm never going to make it." Everytime the water would lay down just a little bit, I thought to myself: "If I can just paddle out quick enough, I'll be able to make it before the next set comes in."

WRONG.

At the edge of my breaking point, I got pushed back so far by one wave, I was ready to give up. I sat up on my board looking at the guys out there surfing, and thought "Damn it. I really wanted to at least try." I caught my breath for a minute and decided to give it one last go. I started cutting left, parallel to the beach, to try and avoid some of the on-coming waves. Little by little, I could tell I was making more progress than before. My shoulders were burning, but I kept saying to myself out loud "Push! Push! Push! Dammit, Chelsey! Push!" And I did... I could see the other guys getting closer and closer, which fueled my motivation. "Push!" and finally, out of breath, ready to pass out... I was out back.

I sat up on my board once again, proud of the fact that I simply made it out to a break on the north shore with some very experienced and talented surfers. They were all extremely surprised that I even made it out. I felt privleged just to be there, let alone attempt to take a wave. The guys kept telling me to keep my eye out on the horizon. Since there was a bit of a swell that day, larger waves from further out back occasionally popped up out of nowhere that you had to be constantly aware of, so that they didn't just come crashing down on top of you. On a couple of occasions, I heard one of the guys yell out "Chelsey, behind you!" and when I would look,there would be a massive wave barreling towards us. So I paddled fast towards the oncoming wave so that I could make it over the crest without it breaking on me. I was comfortable just sitting out there and watching the other guys do their thing. One of the guys said to me "Only take a wave when you're comfortable. The first time I came out here, all I did was watch and observe." So that's what I did for quite a while.

On a couple of occasions, to gather my courage, I would half-ass paddle for some waves, just to get a feel of the velocity and force at which the waves were moving. Much faster than Waikiki, that's for sure! But then, a new set was on it's way, and one of the guys yelled out "Chelsey, go for this one! Paddle!" I looked behind me, and decided "Ok, this is it!" I started to paddle, looking back occasionally at the on-coming wave, and all of a sudden I felt it's force beneath me. It was propelling me forward - I CAUGHT IT. I popped up and before I knew it the wave was starting to jack up even higher.

 I looked to my right and saw Chris riding the wave with me. We both screamed out in excitement "WOOOHOOOOO!" But before I knew it, I looked to my left and saw the wave was closing out, so I jumped off my board and got absolutely pounded by the white water. My board was ripped away going in the direction of the wave and I felt the leash yank on my leg and drag me. I reached the surface just in time for another round of white water. This time I felt the ground beneath me. I scrambled for the surface, but couldn't find it. I reached my arms and felt the air. I came up and gasped for air. "Ok HOLY SHIT. I think I'm done!" So I started to paddle in, got knocked off a few times again from all the white water, then finally made it to the beach.

To say I was "stoked" was an understatement. Not only did I paddle out on the famous North Shore, I actually successfully took a wave, and MADE IT! And to top it all off, the photographer on the beach caught it on camera. So in a couple days, I will have proof of my first North Shore wave! After everyone came in from the water, we went out for a big hearty breakfast at the Haleiwa cafe in historic Haleiwa town, and talked story for a couple hours about the waves we caught. But everyone seemed to be pretty impressed by the grom (i.e., me- the younger, less experienced surfer) that not only made it out to the break, but actually went for a wave, AND MADE IT! It was wonderful to get such encouragement and awesome compliments from these guys. It's as if they get just as excited for someone else catching an awesome wave as they do for themselves. It was the first time I really felt like I truly experienced the surfing culture in Hawaii for myself.

And I have to say - I'm totally in love with it. I can't wait to try the North Shore again!!!

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2012

For my first post of 2012, I first just want to say: 2012 is MY year.

The possibilities, the potential, the hopes, the dreams ... they're endless. Everything I want, everything I need, I will create for myself. I will go after them with gusto, and I will succeed in attaining whatever it is my heart and soul desires. I consider 2012 sort of a re-birth, if you will. It feels as though the puzzle pieces of my life are all starting to come together again, in a very meaningful way. Through this process, I have found myself once again. I have come to re-learn who I am, only to find that I am so much stronger than I thought I was, I am now much wiser than I ever was, my mind is much sharper than it ever was, and my heart, though shaken at times, has the capability of loving more than it ever did before.

Simply put - I have realized that I LOVE myself enough to always reach out for what I truly want, need, and deserve. It is beautiful to have such an awakening; to feel as if your whole world is beginning to spin in the right direction once again. To be able to let go of the mistakes and sorrows of the past, to appreciate yesterday for what it was, and to always be able to look forward to tomorrow with a smile - but always to hold fast to what life is really all about: the here and now.

It's very difficult to remember that all we are really guaranteed is TODAY. If we could all somehow learn to live for just today, we'd all be a little better off. That's not to say we can't plan or look towards the future, or reflect and learn from our pasts... but today is the only thing we can really DO something about. So make it count.

For just today, I plan to be kissed by the sun, caressed by the ocean, maybe catch a wave or two, have great conversations with a great friend, smile & laugh, and truly enjoy the fact that TODAY...

I am alive.

So here's to 2012: where each new sunrise represents a new day, a new beginning, a new opportunity, a new chance, and a new life.

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2012: A year of new beginnings

2012: a year of new beginnings

As the New Year approaches, I would like to take a moment to recognize what it means to me to wash away the trials, tribulations, and sorrows of the past year, while welcoming the hopes, dreams, and aspirations of the next. I’ve never been the type to get too “hyped up” or excited about New Year’s; however, this year is quite different.

This past year has been the mother of all rollercoasters for me: complete with highs, lows, twists, turns, and even corkscrews! Needless to say, I’ve been through A LOT. But then again, so have a lot of others. Everyone, at some point or another, faces difficulties, challenges, dark moments, along with feelings of sadness, doubt, hopelessness, fear, anger, resentment, etc. Luckily for me, there have been some very special people in my life working behind the scenes to help lift me up, give me hope, cheer me on, and ultimately, let me know that even though I’m thousands of miles away, I’m not alone… ever.

So I just want to thank you (in no particular order).

ANS – It doesn’t matter that we don’t talk on a regular basis… the fact that you bought a ticket out of the blue to bring in the New Year with me in Hawaii speaks volumes. We’re in this together! And when it counts, I know you’ll always be there. And for that, I thank you.

CH - If for only the upbeat, positive messages I get every once and a while from you, letting me know that you're thinking of me and that you love me, well that's something to be thankful for. Thank you for keeping me so close in thought and listening when you can.

CGM – You have been a great sounding board. I have always appreciated your advice and opinions on things, but even more so, I am so grateful for your unconditional support through everything. I know, even though we haven’t known each other very long, you would do anything you could to help me out. It’s great having you so close by now!

JA - Thanks for always keeping things light and funny. You don't really let me get into the nitty gritty details of things. You just give me a simple "You'll be fine" or "It'll be ok" letting me know that you're not that worried... and that keeps me from worrying too. Sometimes others know your strength better than yourself. And it's wonderful you've given me that reminder.

LM – Since you sit right next to me everyday at work, it’s almost impossible not to share what’s going on in our lives. Our irrational thoughts are quite comical at times, but I'm glad we have eachother to talk ourselves down! Thank you for being a great listener and being my patron partner when needed. I’m glad we’ve realized we have so much in common!

NAM- You and I have both been through a lot this year. But I know we are not far from eachother's hearts. Thanks for the skype chats and keeping me in the loop with things even though your 4000 miles away. And thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder when it all started to fall apart. I love you always.

NCS- Despite beings thousands of miles away, in different hemispheres, and different days even, you have been a wonderful sounding board, and have always offered me wonderful, heart-felt advice. Thank you for listening, and thank you for being a great friend. Our stories are so similar... and even though it sucks that we've both had to go through such hardships - it's comforting to know we have eachother to lean on through this process.

TBT– What can I say? Well, just about anything really. And that’s the point. You’ve become one of my best friends. So simply, I just want to thank you for being you. You have kept me sane when I felt crazy, let me vent without judgment, surprised me with the unexpected, made me cry til I laughed, made me laugh til I cried… but above all, you’ve given me hope. So, thank you.

So coming into the New Year, I am simply looking forward. I am embracing the changes in my life. I am keeping my heart and mind wide open. I look forward to doing well in my job, meeting new friends any chance I get, and possibly, finding new meanings and facets of the words "peace, love, and happiness."

CHEERS and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

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Perspective is Powerful

As we get closer to the end of another year, I am forced to take a good, hard look at myself, my life, my choices, my circumstances. It would be very easy for me to sink into a dark hole, feel sorry for myself, and cry. But, it hasn't happened yet, and I don't plan to let it. This Christmas will be very different for me, indeed. For the first time in my entire life, I will not be spending Christmas with my family. For the first time in my entire life, I am living completely and utterly on my own, by myself. For the first time in a long time, I have not wrapped a single present. And for the first time, in a long time, I do not have a man physically by my side. I am 4,000+ miles away from the people I love and care for the most: my family and most of my friends. That, in and of itself, is hard. But at Christmas, a holiday that as always been marked with such tradition in my life, one that has always been dearest to my heart... it makes the situation even more difficult.

So as I sit in my apartment at night by myself, looking at the Christmas tree I decorated despite it all, with presents underneath just for me, sent from my Mom... I could easily be very sad. But, I am trying my best to actively choose to view this Christmas - this whole year actually - with a different perspective: a positive perspective. I am going to try, with every fiber of my being, to embrace this Christmas like none other before, and truly relish the time I have to be with myself. And while the people I love and care for most are not physically here with me, I know they are close in heart and mind. And above all, I still have so much to be grateful for.

But I really and truly believe I just need this time - to re-establish the most important relationship in my life; to really get to know the only person I'll never ever lose: myself. Christmas is supposed to be about the gifts of life, love, family, and friendship. And I truly have all of those things in my life. But never have I truly known the meaning of Christmas as much as I do now. With so many distractions (e.g., shopping, decorations, holiday music, presents, big extravagant feasts, etc.) it is hard to remember the reasons for the season.

Be good to one another. Love fully. Laugh hard and often. Find gratitude. Enjoy your family and friends, and remember to be thankful for each and every one of them. And know, that no matter what, no matter how hard things may seem at any given moment: life, and everything associated with it, keeps on moving. As should you.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I know mine will be the most significant New Year I've ever had. 2010 and 2011 have probably been the hardest 2 years of my life. But I have a feeling 2012 may just be MY year. ;)

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Defying synicism

I guess it's that time in life - when everyone seems to be getting married and/or having babies: the mid-20's/early 30's. It's hard to think I was already one of "them." But I'm trying my best not to be synical - hoping and wishing that all of my friends that are getting married or just recently got married, will hold true to their vows: "to love and to cherish, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part." But unfortunately, I know for a fact not everyone makes it. And what I want people to know is: it's okay. Life, if anything, goes on.

I meant them when I said them - those vows. I don't think anyone that gets married ever thinks it won't work in the end. But that's life. Sometimes you just grow apart, and find that there are more differences between you than can be reconciled. People change and evolve every single day. I guess what's important is to make sure you're always on the same page, and that you're growing together in the same direction. Communication (open and often) and trust are probably what I consider to be the two most important facets of a successful relationship. But you also have to have something solid to build upon, like a strong foundation of friendship. You have to let eachother be their own person, but also recognize that the individual parts make up the whole. Having the ability to compromise is important. And by compromise, I don't mean compromising the core beliefs and values that ultimately direct your moral compass; but, knowing and completely accepting the fact that allowing the other person into your life, completely, will inevitably change some things.

I strongly believe that people need to be on similar levels: emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, mentally... if you're not a match on most of those things - well, time will certainly unveil reality. You should not be blinded by lust, physical attraction, infatuation, etc... there HAS to be something more, something deeper, to fall back on. If not, that type of "love" is just not sustainable in the long-term. And if you don't have ALL of that stuff figured out before you take the plunge... well, I hate to be the one to break it to you... but it probably won't work.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that when I think of a life-long love, one worthy of the institution of marriage, I guess I agree with the following quote:

"True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another."

And I still believe in it... completely.

But hey... what does anyone really know about love? It's got to be one of the most ridiculous, crazy, beautiful, maddening, life-altering, indefinable emotions I've ever come across. ;-)

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