A picture's worth a 1,000 words

The other night, I was beckoned by a couple of plastic boxes sitting next to my night stand that had been collecting dust since my Mom's last visit. I wanted to find old pictures of my Dad and me for Father's Day. Upon searching through these boxes, I became lost in the memories of times past. I quickly realized that those simple plastic boxes held the treasured contents of my life: photos ranging from the time I was just a bald blue-eyed baby in diapers, to a growing woman in college trying to find herself and chart her path into adulthood. Some of those photos made me smile warmly with fond memories of childhood innocence and playfulness. Other photos made me feel pangs of grief, whether it was for a lost loved one or for the simple fact that I am no longer the child I once was, although much of that little girl still lives wildly within me. Some of those photos made me chuckle out loud while fondly remembering some of my more mischievous antics with friends, families, and ex-boyfriends alike. And some of those photos made me weep quietly in the dark silence that had become my living room. Amazing what a simple picture can do to conjure up so much feeling and emotion -  I was so immersed looking into these windows of  my past that I failed to realize how late it had become. But I pressed on, flipping through each one with more eagerness than the last. Each photo felt like it had its own gravity - pulling me into it and allowing me to re-live parts of my life I had almost forgotten existed.

Perhaps the more somber and exhilarating realization of it all is the fact the only thing that is ever truly constant in our lives is change. As we grow, we typically move on from the familiar faces and places of our childhood. You proclaim to be someone's "BFF" as a child not knowing the harsh reality that you will likely grow apart, and those half-heart Best Friends Forever necklace charms you used to wear end up tarnished in an old jewelry box; or perhaps, you just lose it forever. That boyfriend(s) you swore you were in love with - the one(s) you thought you could never ever live without - they turn into strangers and eventually distant memories, only to resurface as an old faded picture. And you may wonder: what was I thinking? Even as an adult, you make new friends as you lose old ones. Some will stay in your lives forever and true, while others will fade into the background while you begin to wonder why you were ever friends in the first place? And some you will choose to lose because eventually you grow up and realize that the relationships we hold dear are supposed to uplift us, not restrict us. There just isn't any room for relationships that are fraught with judgments, jealousy, and negativity. It's disappointing sometimes, but nevertheless necessary.

You never realized that compared to the rest of your life... high school was a piece of cake. I'll just say it: sometimes being an adult sucks (sometimes it's cool, but staying out late drinking beer all night isn't all it's cracked up to be when the morning comes and your mouth feels like its stuffed with cotton and you're hung over for the entire day saying to yourself "I'm getting too old for this shit."

Change is inevitable. We don't typically notice our parents aging. It's not so obvious until you see their youthful glowing faces in a sepia-toned photo. But then you may go almost a year without seeing them, and realize their faces are more worn, and their hair more gray. It becomes evident that you must start to face the stark reality that those pillars of your life that instilled your core values, strength, poise, compassion, moral fiber, and love... are not permanent. Eventually, you will have to rely on what they taught you and live the rest of your life without them. But what's so incredibly sad about the cycle of life, is immensely beautiful at the same time... it is the simple fact that you may (if you choose) begin the circle of life once more. You have the ability and the choice to pass on the stories, lessons, trials and triumphs of your life - so that you may re-live life vicariously through the eyes of your children.

And although I haven't made that decision for myself just yet, I know the potential is there. And that alone makes me smile.

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The Lucky Ones

As I sit here alone in my apartment while my man is at work, the beautifully melancholy melodies of Lana Del Rey fill the room. Life really is so good. I really wouldn't blame you at all if you hated me. In fact, I'd probably hate me too. Not only did I get my dream job working for NOAA straight out of grad school, it just so happened to be located in Hawaii of all places. Most people don't get their first job that's perfectly suited for their degree and sets the path for their entire career at 24. My free time is spent either surfing, barbecuing with friends, lazying around on the beach, or staying snuggled up in my great Waikiki apartment with my wonderful guy and my pup. And somehow, I managed to land the heart of the best guy I've ever known who packed up and moved out to Hawaii all the way from Miami for me. For the first time in my life, there is no aching feeling that something is "missing" from my relationship. He is amazing. Life truly is so good... and I am so freakin lucky. So yeah. You're allowed to hate me a little bit. It's okay.

but I'm feeling jittery and a bit "on edge" from the asthma medication I just inhaled. The smoke from the bonfire we had on the beach over Memorial Day weekend has irritated my diseased airways. I've had asthma since I was a baby. But it wasn't until later in life (early 20's) that I would develop the true demons in my life: generalized anxiety and a mean case of hypochondria. It is a daily battle of will and wits within my own mind to stay in the moment and not fret about all of the things that could possibly go wrong. It is this thin gray veil that casts itself over me that I can't seem to fully escape. Sure, my life is charmed - some might even think it's perfect. And that's the part that tends to scare me from time to time. Trying to describe the feeling is difficult. It feels like I'm constantly sitting on the edge of my seat during a really tense scene in a scary movie, incessantly fidgeting, not able to relax, waiting for that bubble of perfection to BURST and crumble all around me - waiting for the ground to fall away beneath my feet. The rational part of my mind tells me that I deserve everything I have. I deserve this life. I deserve to be happy. I've worked hard to get where I am and I've undergone my fair share of heartache and disappointment in my life... yet I'm still waiting for the hammer to crush me. WHY? Is this the way I create balance in my life? I can be happy, but not TOO happy? Why can't I allow myself to fully enjoy everything that I've been given, created, and worked for without that nagging negativity in the back of my head whispering: "It won't last..." perhaps it's because I know that it won't. None of us knows how much time we have. And for whatever reason, my mind likes to preoccupy itself with that notion. I wish I could turn it off and just "be." I'm trying.

I mentioned hypochondria... let's see, so far I've worried about having MS, lymphoma, melanoma, breast cancer, brain tumor, and the list goes on. In my mind, I can't stop a small twinge, twitch, ache, or pain from being something far worse. I'm hyper aware of my body and everything that goes on within it. It's like trying to talk on the phone with someone while the TV is blaring in the background. You can't focus on the conversation because you can't drown out the TV. That is how I feel a lot of the time. I can't fully 100% concentrate on these beautiful moments that my beautiful life gives me because the constant drone of my mind's own chatter drowns everything else out. Perhaps that is the true tragedy... but I'm going to fight like hell to not let it take me over. So I eat well, I take vitamins, I try to get enough sleep, I exercise as much as I can stand (and let me tell you, the reflection in the mirror is something I battle daily too, but that's a blog for a different day) and I surround myself with people that make me feel good about me. Screw the rest!

So what is the point of me telling you all of this? To let you know that despite whatever your preconceived notions may be about any given person, you should never ever compare yourself to others because you have no clue what their journey is all about. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has their own demons to battle. We are all different and NO ONE is perfect or has the perfect life. We are all our own worst critic and our own worst enemy. We all have work we can do to improve ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. But let it not be for the attention or admiration or approval of others. Let it be for YOU and you alone. Acceptance is the first step to true love - true love of self. And truly accepting and loving yourself is the only path to true happiness. We are all lucky and/or blessed in some way or another. So hold on tightly to whatever it is that makes you one of the lucky ones and be grateful.

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Dear December

Dear December,

Last time this year, I endured one of the most difficult times of my life. But what a difference a year makes. One year later, and my life has come full circle. Last Christmas, I was forced to make the best of a really (for lack of a better word) $hitty situation. For the first time in my entire life, I was not only away from my family, but on Christmas morning, I was entirely alone. And let me tell you - you can do a lot of soul searching in a time like that. A 5-year relationship had just recently come to an end, I was 4,000+ miles away from home and my family, and what was always meant to be one of the happiest days of the year, was a sad, empty, lonely - very lonely - depressing day. I remember on Christmas night, I sat in the dark by the light of my tree trying desperately not to feel sorry for myself. I didn't cry (although I did stuff my face full of bacon wrapped shrimp and guzzled down some rum-spiked eggnog). I just knew that next year would be different. It HAD to be. And indeed - it is.

This will be the second time in my entire life that I'll be spending Christmas away from home and my family. But I am not sad, nor am I lonely, nor am I without family. In fact, I am FAR from it. In the past year, I have created an extended family (or "ohana" as they say in Hawaii). The friendships and relationships I've cultivated over the past year are extraordinary. And by far, the most poignant and meaningful relationship I've developed (aside from the one with myself) is with Travis. Over the past year+ he has been an amazing source of comfort, support, love, and friendship. He is simply an amazing human being. And this past October, after a very long year of a long distance relationship, (with only a few trips here and there for visits),  he picked up his life in Miami and moved in with me here in Honolulu. So this year, I'm dedicating my Christmas to him. Because in this season - one that's devoted to family, togetherness, love, gratitude, generosity, selflessness, hope and joy - Travis has been the embodiment of all these things for me in the past year. So even though I am far away from my immediate family (Mom & Dad, my brother, aunts and uncles, etc) I know my family is not limited to the people I'm missing in Florida. I have love and family right here on this island. Right here in this room.

What better Christmas present is there?

And I just want to end this Christmas blog by saying this: take a real good hard look in the mirror when you start to complain about the insignificant little inconveniences that sometimes make their way into our lives. In the wake of the Hurricane Sandy and Newtown, Connecticut tragedies, try your best to have a little perspective. Know that in the vast and violent nature of the universe, the fact that you exist is nothing short of a miracle. Take hold of that miracle - grasp it tightly - and may you never waste a single moment of it in regret or hopelessness. Let go of yesterday, live for today, and simply hope for tomorrow that you may try again. All we have is now... and that "now," in the grand scheme of things, is just a microscopic blip that will vanish in the blink of an eye if you're not present, awake, and aware in every moment of your life. Open your eyes. See. Hear. Smell. Taste. FEEL. If you can't find anything more to be grateful for than the simple fact that you have access to the 5 senses that make it possible to process the sheer beauty of the world around you... then focus on THAT, and find beauty wherever you can - because I promise you... it's everywhere.

With love and gratitude,
Chelsey

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2 years in paradise

It was two years ago... I can't believe it. Two years ago I got on a plane to cross an entire continent and ocean to start a new life in a brand new place: Hawaii. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. But it was one of the most poignant and life-changing decisions I've ever made. I am so incredibly lucky to be where I am today - to live in such a beautiful environment, to be surrounded by everything that I love, and to have a good job that has meaning to me. I never imagined that Hawaii (or more specifically, Honolulu) would feel like home. I always thought that the pangs I felt in my heart for my life back in Florida would never go away. And they haven't gone away completely; but over time, they've faded considerably.

Ever since the new year, after starting a new life on my own for the first time, my world has completely transformed. I am completely independent and self-reliant. I have a wonderful group of friends. I have discovered a new passion and love for surfing. I've had the most unique opportunity in re-discovering and really finding myself once again after feeling lost for a very long time. I am more sure of myself and confident in my future than I have ever been in my entire life. And most importantly: I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've been gifted with the love of one of the most beautiful souls I've ever known. And I try so hard not to ever take any of this for granted - to not ever forget just how lucky I am.

But I've never really been one to play it safe. I take risks; especially with my heart. When I see an opportunity, I rarely pass it up. I live my life by following my gut feelings and my instincts - usually a combination of my heart battling with my mind. And sometimes, it doesn't always work out. But somehow, it always does. You see - anytime something doesn't work out for me, I try to see it in light of the bigger picture: where does this lead me next? Where did this particular mistake take me? What did I learn from it, and what purpose will this lesson serve me in the future? Looking back on my life, everything fits together like perfectly chiseled puzzle pieces - a series of events all coalescing together into the perfect symphony that makes up my past, present, and future. It all makes sense when I look at my life in hindsight. And it has all led me here.

So when people are perplexed by how I make decisions, or why I take certain risks, or why I dive into something head first, and worry whether I'll get hurt or burned or disappointed: THAT'S LIFE. I'd rather play it interesting - take a leap of faith and fall into the arms of a destiny I helped create for myself, knowing I won't have any regrets... rather than take a step back and play it safe for the sole reason that it's what other people think I "should do" or what's "best". Because no one knows how to live my life - NO ONE - but me. And I am always going to live it LOUDLY and BOLDY and passionately and colorfully. Two years ago I took the biggest risk of my life. And to tell you the truth - given that and all the other decisions I've made in my entire life...

I don't think I'm doing half bad. In fact, I'm FANTASTIC.

So here's to another year in paradise, my friends. Cheers and aloha!!!

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2012: Midway

It feels like just yesterday I was talking about entering the New Year: 2012.  My year... my re-birth. And now it's already half-way over. I simply can't believe how much has transpired since last year. So far, I had my great friend and roommate from undergrad, Alex (aka Alexi-LaLa aka Crazy A) visit from Virginia Beach to bring in the New Year together and celebrate our new lives.

Then, I went home for two weeks in February to decompress and discover a new chapter of my life. I surfed on the North Shore for the first time and continue to surf all the time with my "crew." I celebrated my 26th birthday with some diving and partying.

I took a trip to San Francisco in May and explored one of the coolest cities I've ever been to with one of the coolest guys I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. 

And last but not least, I traveled to the Northern Mariana Islands and Guam for 2 weeks for work, where I got to engage with the public, meet locals, and explore some of  the intriguing history of WWII that marks those idyllic islands.

And now we're in mid-July. It's remarkable, really. And I couldn't be more grateful for where I am today, and for the people that are in my life. Since being on my own, I have come to know myself really well. I am comfortable living alone, though I am the farthest thing from alone! The friends I have discovered here are second to none - like an extended family. We take care of eachother, we have eachother's backs, we talk, we listen, we eat (and we eat WELL!), we surf, and most importantly, we have fun all the time. I've been told on a couple of occasions that my residential life here is like a real life version of "Friends." And truth be told... it is!! Only better... I mean, c'mon... we're in Hawaii, folks! Work hard, play hard. And that's exactly what we do. So to the Ala Wai crew and the surf crew... I love you guys! Thanks for being such an awesome group of friends!!!

The other part of me remains in Florida - part of me always will. But over the past 8 months or so, it seems my heart is falling more and more in love with Hawaii. Not sure I can envision settling down here permanently, but at the same time, I can't imagine ever leaving this place! It's too perfect for me. With its ocean-centric lifestyle, beautiful scenery, perfect weather year round, endless waves and aloha spirit...

I'm in love ;)

And speaking of love... I'm completely and utterly immersed in it. I am surrounded and I have surrendered. Love of life, love of family, love of friends, love of love. It's not always easy to remain positive or see the silver lining in certain aspects of life. Since I was a little girl, my Mom taught me to see rainbows as a sign from God, or the heavens, or the universe, or whatever... that everything will be okay. Go figure I'd end up in a place where rainbows are ridiculously abundant. So I'm constantly reminded that when I can take a step back for just a moment, take a deep breath of that beautiful salty air, feel the warm caress of those gentle tradewinds, listen to those crystal waves breaking upon the shore, and feel my heart beating strong and steady... all that matters is that I'm alive and that I'm happy. And I am. More so than I ever have been. So Trav, if you're reading this: thank you. Here's to looking forward to what the rest of 2012 has to offer. Bring it on.

Aloha everyone!

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Love is...

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ”

~Pablo Neruda

This has got to be one of my favorite love poems. I love it because it does not speak of love in terms of lightning bolts or thunder claps or fireworks. My idea of true love is exactly this: it grows and deepens and evolves over time. It is a solid, strong and steady undercurrent. It is deep and yes, can be dark, but also brings light and richness to every aspect of your existence. It is a true intimacy and closeness that cannot be described in words. It is an understanding, respect, and even love for not only eachother's light and goodness, but also one another's darkness, demons, and secrets... it is complete and utter trust. It is truly knowing someone: all of their faults, quirks, imperfections, insecurities, fears, etc. and loving them more for it, not despite it. It is being able to want more for their happiness than you want for your own. It is solid ground amid shaking earth. It is the entire reason for being.

And by God if you find it... don't be foolish. Hold onto it with every ounce of strength you have. And once you find it - you'll quickly realize why it never really was before it.

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The sun will always rise

Aloha!!!

I think blogger has been doing some major updates to its website because I haven't been able to post anything in what seems like forever! I wrote this poem back in November when I was going through a pretty difficult time... yet, this poem is all about hope. So I wanted to share it because it reminds me of how far I've come in such a short time. My life has completely and utterly transformed because I simply set myself free, and promptly moved on. Best decision I've ever made.

Sit silently next to me, and breathe in the salty sea

Gentle rays reach like fingers, slowly and softly caress me

Comfortable warmth illuminates love and joy on my face

Balmy breezes wrap me tightly - a sweet and tender embrace

Splashes of light spill down from the never ending sky

Like an artist painting the strokes of new life before my eyes

 Each stroke – a beat of my heart, a breath, the essence of life

Only the colorful palette of morning erases the darkness of night

Close your eyes and immerse yourself in daybreak’s enchanting glory

With each and every new sunrise, a new beginning to every story

So sink down into the earth, feeling every single grain of sand

Knowing that life is re-born each day; the night you can withstand.

Let nature fill your soul with the song she has been singing

Let go of all the doubts and fears your own mind has been creating

Lose yourself in bearing witness to the birth of a brand new day

And when the night tries to blind you, let love and light guide your way.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is never give up on hope. Because everytime the night swallows you up and dark hours seem to drag on forever... remember always: the morning will always come; the sun will always rise. 

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