Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Life's funny

I feel like things are about to shift soon... it's funny how things tend to work out. I never lost complete faith that things would get better, but it was definitely difficult to remain positive. Everything was seemingly falling apart around me (obviously evident by my previous post). There were moments in the last several months that were extremely dark, and hopeless. Then all of a sudden- that light at the end of the tunnel appears and anything seems possible again.

I have some possible, life-changing news that I will know more about by next week. Either this is the ticket I've been waiting for, or it's just another dead-end. I have a strange feeling though that this might be it: the stepping stone to the rest of my life in terms of a career. I'm not going to hold my breath though. I've learned all too well the mistake of getting one's hopes and expectations up- only to be let down in the end.

I will keep this blog up to date and current as long as I find the motivation to do so. I feel like a new journey might be unfolding... so I will definitely keep writing as it does.

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Sunday, July 11, 2010

It's been too long

It truly has been too long since I've used this blog to express myself. I visit it on occasion and read through the things I've written in the past. I miss writing- but unfortunately, I haven't had much inspiration to write lately. Nothing has really moved me recently... except perhaps the day I got to dive again for the first time in several months. I desperately miss my ocean. It's been too long since I've gone diving for fun. I just don't get down there enough (and by "down there" I mean beneath the waves). I can visit the beach anytime I want and gaze out over the horizon- but until I'm completely submerged in that unpredictable wonderland, I am not truly satisfied.

Lately I have been pre-occupied. Trying to get that dream job where I can work to protect what I love so deeply. It's been too long. I graduated with my Master's degree almost 7 months ago, and I have yet to find a job. As a result, happiness evades me. Sometimes I just want to get on a boat and set sail to the middle of nowhere and forget about everything.

My heart is heavy. And it's been too long since it was light and joyful. I just want to feel free again like I did when I was a kid. No responsibilities, no real consequences, no judgements, no complexities, no predicaments, no bitterness, no resentments. It's been too long since things were "simple." Everything I want and dream of seems so far away. Will it ever be mine? Will I ever feel completely fulfilled and satiated with what life has to offer me?

It's been too long since I've experienced any sense of euphoria or ecstacy. It's just been way too long...

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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Only a Dream

"Only a Dream"

I possess a question
Of which to you I beckon
For your honest answer
My dearest tiny dancer
What is the truthful meaning
of someone seemingly dreaming
dreams never dreamt before?
Of strangest people, oddest places
Wild eyes, ecstatic faces

Acting bold and without fear
My soul is sold- I belong here
Entwined in fantasy forevermore
I ask you this, and nothing more.

Please appease me as I ponder
My thoughts and dreams often wander
To a place that is forbidden,

In this space my dreams are written.
Please follow me: no hesitation
(Let us ignore the implications)
Deep inside my mind.
I beg for your reply
Even as you ask me why
But the reason does forsake me
As the blackness overtakes me

For you, I search and try to find
Only here, blind leads the blind.

You search my face for reason
Relish in temptation- treason!
But you can't deny the fact
That my eyes they do attract
A certain curiosity from within
So I taunt you with a grin
Eating at you evermore.
Yet the question idly remains
Will you let me drive you insane?
And curb your wild appetite-
Hungry for such unreal delights
However dangerous, you seek more
These devlish eyes you do adore...

But, tis only a dream... and nothing more.

By: ME
Inspired by Edgar Allan Poe






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Thursday, August 27, 2009

Dreams of a Surfer

Last Sunday, at the dreadful hour of 5 am, I was awoken by my eager brother quietly knocking on my bedroom door. I sat up in the darkness and briefly glanced at the clock resting on my nightstand: it read "4:58 a.m." Needless to say, I felt like a zombie. I tiptoed to the door to answer his beckoning knock and as the door cracked open he whispered "I'm making you breakfast, when do you want to go?" Normally, if someone awoke me at such an ubsurd hour, heads would roll... but this morning was different. I was driving my brother up the coast to catch the infamous hurricane swell he'd been waiting for all year. Hurricane Bill -just off shore- recently skirted up the coast producing a ground swell, creating big, clean, glassy surf. After wolfing down some scrambled eggs and a couple waffles, we loaded up the car, and proceeded north to Jensen Beach in Martin County. During the solid hour and a half drive, we blasted the radio (which amazingly was playing some awesome tunes at such an early hour) and we sang and danced in the car like a couple of crazy young kids. For the first time in at least 2 years, I felt like me and my brother were truly bonding. Around 6:30 a.m. the sky slowly commenced its transformation: from pitch black to a rich navy, and then to a violet purple with ribbons of pink and orange. The sun was rising from the horizon, and a new day was born. When we arrived at the beach, my brother scrambled out of the car and up the sand dune to assess the surf conditions. His blindingly bright smile was enough for me- I raced to the beach and witnessed for myself the reasons why surfers are addicted to waves and married to the sea.



After watching my brother and his bestfriend surf for a few hours, I decided to build up my courage and try it for myself. The waves- not quite as big as my brother anticipated (they were approximately 5-7 feet) looked absolutely beautiful. I knew I had to try surfing for myself. After donning a rash guard and attaching the leash to my ankle, I walked down the beach to the entry point. Once in the water, with trepidation I realized that the waves only appeared smaller from the beach! My brother kept encouraging me to paddle hard to keep up. I could sense his nerves about me being crushed by white water. Thankfully, after pushing past the fire in my shoulders and the desire to give up, I MADE IT. I was "out back" with all the boys. Soon, the sets arrived with more consistency and the walls of water that crept up from behind appeared to grow bigger and bigger with each passing wave. I knew there was no way I would attempt to ride any of these waves, but I wanted to atleast catch one to perhaps "boogie-board" down. I remember looking behind me towards the horizon: the forceful energy of the ocean rapidly rushed towards me. This was it. I started paddling like mad, the wave began to pick me up- higher, higher, higher- and when I looked down to see the steep blue face, I stopped dead in my tracks. The monster passed me by and just like a playful knock on the chin, she slapped me with a little backspray. It was as if she was saying "Not this time!" I laughed out loud, and as the sun created a brilliant sparkle on the water, I fell even more in love. One must fully respect the ocean before you can become one with her.

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Saturday, August 15, 2009

"Carpe diem"

It's a Saturday night, 8:00 p.m. and I haven't found reason to get out of my pj's. The sky has been crying all day today due to this tropical blob that's currently resting over the so-called Sunshine State... Since I've been lounging around lazily all day, I've been day-dreaming about future trips I want to take and adventures I want to delve into. I feel like now is the time to grab life by the balls (excuse the vulgarity) but it's true! There are so many things I want to try and do before I'm too old and too attached to get away. Now, I know what you must be thinking: "You're only 23, you're so young!" Yet, I know how life literally slips through your fingertips like sand in an hourglass. I don't want to all of a sudden be in my 40's looking back on my 20's and saying "Damn... shoulda, coulda, woulda..." So I feel like I must take advantage of every single opportunity that comes my way. The question that now lingers on my brain remains: what's next??

And so I say this to you all: "Carpe diem!"

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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My one and only composition

I composed this song several years ago... it is the one and only song I've ever managed to complete. It still has no name. I only know what it makes me think of... and that's unrequited love. Listen to it...what does it make you think of? But first, turn off the playlist at the bottom!

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Man's Bestfriend

It was just a little past midnight- and a good friend described to me in full detail the last moments she shared with her dog today. I've only met this dog once- and yet I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. And while I know it's not the loss of this particular dog that was causing my saddness- something deeper tugged at my chest. What triggered the streams down my cheeks was when my friend told me that when the "end" was near, Jada, the Rottweiler of only 8 years, looked happy: as if she knew what was about to happen- as if she knew her pain would be taken away momentarily. I'm not sure whether our conversation conjured supressed feelings of fear in regards to death in general, or whether I was just in need of releasing the emotional anxiety that's been building within me recently. Regardless of the reason, it felt good to cry. I could almost feel the "feel-good" hormones releasing in my brain as the tears fell. Lump in throat, burning eyes, quivering lip... I felt loss, I felt saddness, I felt compassion... I felt love.


I think the core of me could feel my friend's loss. I could feel her pain and anguish. As she spoke of the final moments, I envisoned what she may have seen. And while losing a pet is not the most devastating thing that can happen to us in our lifetime, it certainly doesn't make it any easier. There is no love in this world more unconditional than the love of a dog. So I take a deep breath, dry my tears, and give my little girl Roxy a big hug and kiss.

Roxy

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