Confused clarity

How did you get here, trapped inside my mind?
I don't recall sending an invitation.
But you have invaded my consciousness,
unraveled riddles, and sparked revelations.

Despite no invite, would you stay if I asked?
Do you want the truth revealed, unmasked?
Fine - my mind just can't get you to leave
While clouds confuse my clarity.

Thoughts and hypotheticals swirl around,
My feet in fear of feeling the ground,
Can't I just stay here with you instead
within the dreams that dance in my head?

I can't tell you how I arrived in this place
But now my heart beats an irregular pace.
Which path to take I do not know,
Nor do I know which direction to go.

My mind is stuck in overdrive
with you, my friend, behind the wheel.
So I beg to ask you one simple question:
Do you feel what I feel?

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Miami is MAGIC

There are moments in life that can completely open the eyes you already thought were open. They're always so unexpected; they can completely knock you off your feet, and shake you to your core. During my visit home last week, I spent a couple of nights in Miami: my 2nd Florida home after Coral Springs. The first night I spent with one of my best girlfriends from undergrad - one of my college roommates. We got dressed up in some sexy clothes and headed out to the infamous city of South Beach. We spent the night drinking cocktails and dancing in a dimly lit nightclub with dark tones of red and black saturating the air. We spent hours listening to loud pumping music, the bass of which reverberated through our bodies. We were surrounded by warm bodies dancing and lights bouncing around the room, while scantily clad women twirled around glittering stripper poles. It was, by definition, a night fit for the "Magic City."

I can't remember what time it was when we left (probably around 4 am), but as we were driving down A1A, I cried out "the beach!" and my friend instantly decided I needed to dip my toes in the Atlantic Ocean. She searched for a spot to park and within a few minutes, we had our shoes in hand as we dashed through the sand towards the shore. The instant I felt the warm lapping waters caress my feet, I remember looking up to the dark starry sky and surrendering myself to the emotions that wanted to burst through every pore of my body.

The hot salty tears began flowing down my cheeks and I sobbed heavily. It was as if I had returned to the place I was born; as if the waters that touched my feet seeped in through my pores, filled me up, and spilled out through my eyes. My friend embraced me tightly and told me "it was ok" to cry. She never asked "why" I was crying, or asked "what's wrong?" She just knew, and she was just there for me. I needed a release. Simply put: I missed my home. I missed my friends. I missed my old life. And in a way, I was grieving. We were up until 5 am that night, even though I was scheduled to give a seminar at my grad school (RSMAS) the next morning...

The next day I successfully gave my seminar, went out to lunch with my marine affairs adviser, met up with my old boss at the lab I worked at, and finally proceeded to the best bar in Miami in my opinion: the Wetlab. I feel privelaged to be an alumni at RSMAS. It's such a tight-knit community. Everyone knows eachother. Everyone is friendly. And there is always that common thread that binds us all together: an undeniable love for the ocean and marine science. That night ended up being one of the best nights I have had in a long time (aside from the night prior): delicious drinks (the best I've ever had actually), good food (although some of the details are a bit hazy) and the best company I could ask for. I literally laughed all night, I cried (again) and got silly drunk. I'll never forget it.

There's just something about this city, even though some people hate it. I remember driving on the Rickenbacker Causeway, admiring the night skyline and all the lights twinkling and reflecting off the dark ocean. And I said "isn't this beautiful?" And in response, my lovely realist companion that evening points out how its overpopulated and polluted, thus making the beautiful skyline a nuisance (thanks for the buzz kill. you know who you are). Regardless, it will always give me chills when I'm driving in on the highway. Because I know the memories I make in Miami will simply be some of the best memories of my life. And now, I just can't wait to go back.

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Blast from the past

After 8 months of being away from home, I flew into south Florida yesterday afternoon. Lastnight, I rummaged through my closet in my bedroom and came across a familiar basket. This basket holds a large part of my life. In this basket resides a collection of old journals, diaries, and random pieces of paper with poems, free writes, doodles, love letters, etc. One of my diaries was from the early 90's! So I decided I would post a few of my favorites on here. I'll start out with a happy one, and then I'll take you to the dark side... hehe.

I'll start out with a writing that was inspired by a sunrise. One summer night, I stayed up all night (which was typical when I wasn't in school) sat outside on my porch, and wrote about the beginning of a new day as the sun began to rise. I was 15 when I wrote this.

07-11-2001

"The most beautiful thing is witnessing the world awakening; when night breaks away with daylight. A hint of sunlight peeks, yet stars still shine bright. The sky is the most beautiful shade of blue casting the shadows of dawn. The birds begin their lovely song. Silence is heavy, yet the sounds of nature surround me. Not a cloud in the sky: it's neverending. And in the east, the sun kisses the earth with its warm and endearing rays. Gentle light races across the sky. The sweet smell of morning dew allows me to escape into this beauty with one single breath. With every second my world is literally brightening and shining with sheer happiness. I see off in the distance shades of pink and gold, created by the sunrise that is now lighting this new day. One solitary star still shines in the company of the moon. Soon, they too shall temporarily disappear in the color of morning. Life shall now resume living, as will I. Birds fly, souls awaken, and finally, the sun has reached me. Not until tonight shall I face darkness. Until then, I will remain graced by daylight."

And now to showcase my dark side... this was one of the poems I alluded to previously that freaked my mom out when she found it and read it. I wrote this in high school.

"Restless Depression"

"Sleeping shadows slumber as I lay me down to rest,
In the midst of blackened midnight, fallen tears remain suppressed.
Cold and lonely, sister Moon, as I search for her caress,
She like me resides alone and is incessantly depressed.

I ponder and I wonder how does life just saunter by?
Like the oceans, full of notions, floating answers to my cry.
Why ignore me? Don't abhor me, I shriek a bitter sigh.
With a breath of life escaping, all too far ahead I'm thinking...
WHY?

Stubborn eyes, resist to cry, I refuse to drown tonight.
Withering soul, please keep whole, I pray with all my might.
Forceful windows, fading shadows, lock my lids up tight.
Until tomorrow, forgotten sorrows, I whispher: Sister, goodnight.

So I seep into my dreams, my struggle finally met its end.
Cease to weep, night lend me sleep, come to me my only friend.
Hours crawl, figures dance upon the walls, when will morning send?
I dread the morning, full of mourning, for my nightmare begins again."

I have many other old writings, musings, poems, etc. so look out for more in the near future! Hope you enjoyed this little trip into my past! Oh, the drama of being a teenager!!! hahaha.

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Music to my soul

If music affects you the way it affects me, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about when I say music can completely transport you to different moments in time. Music to me is almost like a time machine: it evokes all different types of memories and emotions. It can fill you up, overcome you, and bring you right back to a significant time in your past. Certain songs in particular can completely move me; even a certain key that a song is written in can produce different reactions and feelings. Memories of certain people immediately come to mind when I hear certain songs, or even artists. Jack Johnson is a good example of this for me. No matter what song it is, his soft velvety voice, accompanied by subtle underlying drum beats, and light carefree strums of a guitar always floods me with the same memories; reminds me of the same person, over and over.

I love how music can completely set the mood for any situation. Take a listen to some of the songs on my blog's playlist. They all have something in common: instruments. The sounds of violins and piano in particular coalesce to form a perfect symphony of moving melodies and harmonization. It sets the tone of how I want the reader to feel when they read my posts. Because it's how I feel when I write: moving effortlessly from one crescendo (i.e., story) to the next, one note (i.e., word) at a time. Think about movies for a moment... would it really be the same movie without the musical score? I think not. In fact, I think music makes the movies. Sometimes I wish life was like a movie in that we had our own personal soundtracks. I think it would make things so much more interesting, and exciting, and dramatic, and emotional! Could you imagine as you were trying to make a tight deadline, or speeding to get to work on time, "Chariots of Fire" was playing in the background?? Or if while you were moving in for your first kiss with someone you really like, the song "Take My Breath Away" from Top Gun came on? Or better yet, "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers (aka the love song from the movie Ghost if you didn't know). I mean, seriously... life would be so much more interesting... so much more colorful.

But alas, life isn't like the movies. We don't have personal speakers following us around on our shoulders, ready with the perfect song to play at the perfect moment. Sometimes, we just have to learn to make our own music, and follow the melodies of our own internal symphony. Hearts the percussion, breaths the strings, and our minds the composer, creating the soundtrack of our lives.

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Beauty in nature

Yesterday I decided to go for an afternoon surf even though the forecast said the waves would only be 1-2 ft (occasionally 3). I figured, going out and paddling on the ocean is better than staying inside. So I left around 3 p.m. With the lack of decent sized waves, the crowd was relatively small for a Sunday afternoon. This didn't bother me. I just figured I'd catch some small waves and enjoy myself. And I did just that.

Then, after a lull in the sets, I looked over to the surf break right next to me (Queens) and saw that not only were they catching waves, but the waves were significantly bigger. So I paddled over. For the most part, the surfers sitting farthest "outside" were locals. But that didn't really bother me. As long as you show repsect and give way when appropriate, the locals are cool. On one particular wave, I had a local stand-up paddler charging from behind yelling "wiki wiki wiki!!!" And without really thinking, I thought he was yelling at me to get out of the way because he was in a better position to catch the wave. It wasn't until I stalled and thought about what he was yelling that I realized what he was doing. "Wiki wiki" means fast or quickly in Hawaiian. So the local was actually encouraging me to paddle faster! After making that realization, I smiled to myself. It always feels great to be accepted and encouraged by the locals.
Anyway, back to the real reason for this post. Again, I was priveleged to see another beautiful sunset over the ocean while on my board. I didn't stay out until dark this time, but I stayed out until the sun went down. I always tell people that I never get tired of how beautiful Hawai'i is. After a year of living here, I still take pause when walking outside of my apartment to admire the luscious green mountains, and really embrace the warm balmy breeze washes over me. There are some particularly moving moments when I'm sitting on the water where I feel like time suspends in mid-air. Everything slows down: my heart slows, my breathing becomes deeper, and in that moment, nothing matters. Negative thoughts evade my mind and stress evaporates from my pores. With every inhale and exhale I feel more connected to my surroundings, more intune to the beauty in nature.

Sometimes I feel like the Ricky in American Beauty when he's talking about the plastic bag dancing with him. "...yesterday I realized there was this entire life behind things... and this incredibly benevolent force wanted me to know that there's no reason to be afraid... ever.... I need to remember... sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it. And my heart is just going to cave in." That's exactly how I feel sometimes when I'm out on the water. No matter how many people are around me, I feel like I'm the only person there because I'm so absorbed in the beauty around me.

And sometimes it's so intense, and so overwhelming, that I can't tell if the salty droplets of water running down my cheeks are from the ocean, or from my tears...

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Surfing in the dark

Yesterday after work, I decided to go for an afternoon surf on the fly. I needed the exercise, and more importantly, a release from the work week. It was Friday afternoon, around 5 o'clock when I entered the water. I hadn't intended for my afternoon surf to turn into dusk, to turn into night. But for some reason, I didn't tire as quickly as I normally do. And with each wave that I waited to catch, the sun would sink lower into the sky, and the large group of surfers I started out with, thinned to only a few.

The transformation that took place looked like something out of a movie. As the sun crept down from the sky and into the ocean, a golden glow emanated from the west that illuminated the waters around me. As I looked out to the horizon for incoming swells, it was still relatively bright; however, when I looked back to the city on shore, it was slowly descending into darkness. The clouds that shrouded the mountains were creeping slowly into the city. The setting sun splashed colors of pink, purple, and red along the buildings, and illuminated Diamond Head in a tawny haze. I was captivated by the contrast of dark gray clouds against the lush greenery of the mountains and the brilliance of colors from the sunset. For a moment, I felt like I had been transported to a different planet. Soon, the sun sunk into the ocean, and completely disappeared.

The waters beneath me transformed from a luscious turquoise to a deep navy. I wasn't deterred. There were still plenty of people out catching waves, which inevitably became easier because the majority of people had called it a day already. I stayed. And with each wave I caught, I wanted to catch more. The horizon was still dimly lit, but the shore was now only lit by the tiki torches and bright store fronts. The waters deepened further from navy to an inky black. I'm not going to lie - my senses were immediately heightened. I've been diving at night, in the safety of the depths with flashlights. But never have I just been hanging out on the surface of blackened water, a considerable distance from the beach. I didn't intend to stay out until it got dark, but I was waiting for one last wave to take me all the way in. This hadn't happened my entire session. The waves would slow down to white mush, only to stop where the waves usually re-build over a sandbar to continue the ride.

At this point, the waves were nearly impossible to detect. The only thing you could see was a black lump on the horizon building up and moving closer. There was no way to tell how big the waves were, or how steep, or even if it was beginning to break. All I could think of was "shit, I need to make it over that thing" and started racing towards it as fast as I could. It was too late. It was already too big and steep that it was breaking right on top of me, with a guy dropping in that I could barely see. He obviously couldn't see me either, because he was dropping in right in my direction. I rolled off my board to the side, and luckily, the wave didn't smash me too hard. As soon as I was submerged in the dark ocean, I scrambled frantically to get back on my board. But before I could catch my breath at the surface, I saw another black lump hurling towards me. I frantically tried to get myself positioned on my board and start paddling, not only to try and catch this wave in, but because the black water set my senses on edge. Again, I couldn't tell where I was positioned for this wave. I couldn't tell how big it was or how steep. But I knew I needed to at least try to catch it, because I didn't want to wait another 10-15 minutes out there on the black sea for another set.

I could hear it coming. The energy around me was electric. My heart was pounding - my thoughts raced in circles around my head. I started paddling frantically in the direction of the shore. The rumbling became louder. Finally, I felt the wave pick me up. I popped up on my feet, and to my amazement, I begin racing down this wave, and I can't see anything but the lights on the beach and their glimmering reflections on the water. It was so exhilarating that I literally screamed "WOOOHOOO!!!!" as I shot down the face. I can only imagine what it sounded like to the surfers that were still out there, now far behind me. It didn't slow down into white mush like every other wave I had caught that day. I glanced behind me only to see it re-building over the sandbar. The white water came crashing down with a deep BOOM and catapulted me forward. I kept my stance, moving subtly up and down the board to increase speed or slow down to make sure I kept up with the wave. Finally, as the wave slowed down, I dropped to my knees and started shoveling water behind me with both hands to keep myself going. My best wave of the day was in complete darkness, and I made it... almost.

When the ocean finally became still again beneath me, I still had to paddle in about 50 yards. My shoulders were on fire, adrenaline seeping from my pores, my stomach in a lose knot because of the limbs I had to dip back into the black water, one after the other, to get myself to the beach. During the day, I would normally take my time paddling back to the beach, because I'm always exhausted from each session. But this time, I paddled as quickly as my body would allow, without resting or giving my mind the chance to think about some gray torpedo lurking below. Finally, I made it to shore. I hopped off my board, quickly wrapped the leash around the tail, and scrambled up onto the beach. I looked back out to the horizon, where I had just come from. I couldn't see the surfers that I knew were out there, and I thought to myself "I was just there" ... the only thing I could see was the occasional white flash of a breaking wave, and wondering if there was a surfer riding it. With that, I ran up to the showers, rinsed my board off, and walked home among the bustling Friday night streets of Waikiki. The smile didn't leave my face the whole way home.

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Ten Friends

To 10 friends who are important to me, that have recently, or in the past, greatly affected my life. If you want to take a stab at which number you are... go ahead. I'll tell you if you get it right!

#1 Well well, you probably have no idea how much you intrigue me. You also probably have no idea that I'm talking about you when you read this- but if you have a funny feeling, you're probably right. It is hard to ignore the fact that I feel like I've known you my entire life. So quickly, I liked you. So quickly, you became a treasured friend. You are one of those people with whom the silences are rare, but never awkward. Connections like ours are hard to find and hard to describe. It's just there, you know? Laughter is always abundant; in fact, it's constant when we're together. It's the kind of laughter that always results form some ridiculous conversation or some stupid asinine joke, that's so hard and robust it shakes your bones and lifts your soul. I hate that you under-estimate yourself so much, because you have such a kind heart, such a bright mind, and an amazing tenacity for getting shit done. You're a bit of a hard nut to crack at first (nut being the operative word, HA!) but underneath... well, don't worry... I'll keep your secret...

#2 Well, what can I say about you... you're just simply amazing. You're quirky, hysterical, unique, and you light up every room you walk into. You truly have no idea how wonderful you are. You're caring, considerate, and have an unparalleled zest and passion for life. You make my heart smile everytime I talk to you. You are another person I could say any crazy thing to and you would not only never judge me, but you would either match me or out-do me in the craziness department. Our friendship developed slowly and unexpectedly at first, but over the years, you have become one of my dearest friends that I know will remain in my life forever. I hate that you have any insecurities, because when I look at you, I see someone incredibly special and beautiful, both inside and out. I just love you to pieces.

#3 We don't talk nearly enough... but I will never hold it against you. I know life is pulling you in a million directions right now. You were another unexpected friendship - a friendship I can't imagine my life without. You simply get me, and you always have. We could go months without talking and pick up right where we left off. You have an incomparable stength that I so admire, but you also have such an amazing sense of humor and such a shockingly foul mouth that reduces me to tears in laughter. Your family and friends are your number one priority, and I know that if I needed you, you would drop everything to be there for me in a heartbeat. No matter what, I know I can always 100% be myself around you. It is amazing to me how two people can be so different, yet be so similar at the same time. You are an amazing person with so much to offer the world, and I can't wait to see you kickin ass.

#4 I'm still discovering what you're all about, but I'm so grateful you came into my life. It didn't take me long at all to know that you're as real as it gets. No thrills or frills - you tell it like it is, because you're the definition of a realist. I feel like we've been friends forever, even though we've not known eachother very long. I feel like I can trust you to always give me your honest opinion and advice on things. And I respect everything you say immensely. I admire your drive and persistence to "do whatcha gotta do." You are smart, articulate, funny, and downright loveable. I hope that our friendship continues to grow and deepen. It's not often you meet someone you have so much in common with by "chance," but I'm so glad we did.

#5 You are the ultimate free spirit - always seeking the next adventure, always looking for something new in your life to fill your heart and soul - to bring you ultimate happiness. And you won't settle for anything less. Up until recently, we haven't talked for quite some time. But, I'm so grateful we broke the silent streak. You have an incredible, crazy sense of humor, always finding something to smile about. You have a unique way of viewing the world around you. You love nature just as much as I do. You are so in tune to your feelings and emotions, you wear your heart on your sleeve, and I admire you for that. You were always the life of every party, and you still are.

#6 You are by far the most unexpected friendship I've ever encountered. We are so incredibly different, yet I think it is the substance of our hearts that keeps us close. Yours is particularly huge. You genuinely care about the people in your life so much. It wouldn't matter if we were 1 mile or 10,000 miles apart, you would find the time to talk; you would find a way to be there for me. You always put other people before yourself, but sometimes, you NEED to put yourself first. You always put 100% of yourself in everything you do, whether its Uni, work, or your relationships. We had an incredible adventure together, and from that, we'll be bonded for life. To thine own self be true, my dear.

#7 I wish we talked more as well, but again, life gets in the way sometimes. We are very much alike, that is no secret. We could talk about anything, no matter how personal or intimate. You also have a huge heart, but you're definitely not afraid to call someone out when you think they're in the wrong. You have strong feelings and opinions about things, and you're not afraid to put them out there. And because I'm the same way, at times we have had some mis-communications occasionally, only to be resolved within a minute and right back to our cheerful, upbeat conversations and giggles. We've been through some unique adventures together as well. And it's no surprise our viewpoints of those times are essentially identical. You will be a friend forever, no matter the distance or time between talking.

#8 I MISS YOU. You are one of the the craziest, funniest, cutest, people I've ever met. Man we have been through some crazy times together, but always with hysterical laughter, as well as random moments of manic singing and dancing. "It's oh so quiet. Shh.. shh... It's oh, so still. Shh... shh... You're all alone. Shh... shh... and so peaceful until... you fall in love! Zing boom!" Really, that's all I need to say. You're so care-free and spirited and full of life, love, and laughter. You could brighten up the darkest day. And I miss the light you always brought to my life! You're someone people would normally hate because you're so damn stunning, but can't because you're too damn loveable!

#9 Well, it's hard to know where I would be without you in my life. You've been such a constant for so long, that it would feel strange if you were ever gone. Our friendship has seen highs, lows, and everything in between. There isn't much that we haven't been through together. Sometimes we don't see eye to eye on things, and some of our arguments have been pretty epic, but we always find a way to get back to what matters. I know that when push comes to shove, you will always be like family. There's not much else I need to say other than that.

#10 Simply put: you are an enigma. Our infrequent conversations are always wrought with confusion in my mind. Around you, reality cannot be discerned from fiction. I admire your intellect - you're very bright, very smart, very articulate and eloquent. Yet in close contact, you have a "devil may care" type of attitude. You always come across like something is missing in your life - something you just can't quite put your finger on; something you can't quite grasp. You have made a significant impact on my life whether you realize it or not, whether I like to admit it or not. You were part of my journey, and in fact, partly the reason I am where I am today. So for that, I am grateful. Keep up the good work you do, and I sincerely hope you've found "it."

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