2012: A year of new beginnings

2012: a year of new beginnings

As the New Year approaches, I would like to take a moment to recognize what it means to me to wash away the trials, tribulations, and sorrows of the past year, while welcoming the hopes, dreams, and aspirations of the next. I’ve never been the type to get too “hyped up” or excited about New Year’s; however, this year is quite different.

This past year has been the mother of all rollercoasters for me: complete with highs, lows, twists, turns, and even corkscrews! Needless to say, I’ve been through A LOT. But then again, so have a lot of others. Everyone, at some point or another, faces difficulties, challenges, dark moments, along with feelings of sadness, doubt, hopelessness, fear, anger, resentment, etc. Luckily for me, there have been some very special people in my life working behind the scenes to help lift me up, give me hope, cheer me on, and ultimately, let me know that even though I’m thousands of miles away, I’m not alone… ever.

So I just want to thank you (in no particular order).

ANS – It doesn’t matter that we don’t talk on a regular basis… the fact that you bought a ticket out of the blue to bring in the New Year with me in Hawaii speaks volumes. We’re in this together! And when it counts, I know you’ll always be there. And for that, I thank you.

CH - If for only the upbeat, positive messages I get every once and a while from you, letting me know that you're thinking of me and that you love me, well that's something to be thankful for. Thank you for keeping me so close in thought and listening when you can.

CGM – You have been a great sounding board. I have always appreciated your advice and opinions on things, but even more so, I am so grateful for your unconditional support through everything. I know, even though we haven’t known each other very long, you would do anything you could to help me out. It’s great having you so close by now!

JA - Thanks for always keeping things light and funny. You don't really let me get into the nitty gritty details of things. You just give me a simple "You'll be fine" or "It'll be ok" letting me know that you're not that worried... and that keeps me from worrying too. Sometimes others know your strength better than yourself. And it's wonderful you've given me that reminder.

LM – Since you sit right next to me everyday at work, it’s almost impossible not to share what’s going on in our lives. Our irrational thoughts are quite comical at times, but I'm glad we have eachother to talk ourselves down! Thank you for being a great listener and being my patron partner when needed. I’m glad we’ve realized we have so much in common!

NAM- You and I have both been through a lot this year. But I know we are not far from eachother's hearts. Thanks for the skype chats and keeping me in the loop with things even though your 4000 miles away. And thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder when it all started to fall apart. I love you always.

NCS- Despite beings thousands of miles away, in different hemispheres, and different days even, you have been a wonderful sounding board, and have always offered me wonderful, heart-felt advice. Thank you for listening, and thank you for being a great friend. Our stories are so similar... and even though it sucks that we've both had to go through such hardships - it's comforting to know we have eachother to lean on through this process.

TBT– What can I say? Well, just about anything really. And that’s the point. You’ve become one of my best friends. So simply, I just want to thank you for being you. You have kept me sane when I felt crazy, let me vent without judgment, surprised me with the unexpected, made me cry til I laughed, made me laugh til I cried… but above all, you’ve given me hope. So, thank you.

So coming into the New Year, I am simply looking forward. I am embracing the changes in my life. I am keeping my heart and mind wide open. I look forward to doing well in my job, meeting new friends any chance I get, and possibly, finding new meanings and facets of the words "peace, love, and happiness."

CHEERS and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

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Perspective is Powerful

As we get closer to the end of another year, I am forced to take a good, hard look at myself, my life, my choices, my circumstances. It would be very easy for me to sink into a dark hole, feel sorry for myself, and cry. But, it hasn't happened yet, and I don't plan to let it. This Christmas will be very different for me, indeed. For the first time in my entire life, I will not be spending Christmas with my family. For the first time in my entire life, I am living completely and utterly on my own, by myself. For the first time in a long time, I have not wrapped a single present. And for the first time, in a long time, I do not have a man physically by my side. I am 4,000+ miles away from the people I love and care for the most: my family and most of my friends. That, in and of itself, is hard. But at Christmas, a holiday that as always been marked with such tradition in my life, one that has always been dearest to my heart... it makes the situation even more difficult.

So as I sit in my apartment at night by myself, looking at the Christmas tree I decorated despite it all, with presents underneath just for me, sent from my Mom... I could easily be very sad. But, I am trying my best to actively choose to view this Christmas - this whole year actually - with a different perspective: a positive perspective. I am going to try, with every fiber of my being, to embrace this Christmas like none other before, and truly relish the time I have to be with myself. And while the people I love and care for most are not physically here with me, I know they are close in heart and mind. And above all, I still have so much to be grateful for.

But I really and truly believe I just need this time - to re-establish the most important relationship in my life; to really get to know the only person I'll never ever lose: myself. Christmas is supposed to be about the gifts of life, love, family, and friendship. And I truly have all of those things in my life. But never have I truly known the meaning of Christmas as much as I do now. With so many distractions (e.g., shopping, decorations, holiday music, presents, big extravagant feasts, etc.) it is hard to remember the reasons for the season.

Be good to one another. Love fully. Laugh hard and often. Find gratitude. Enjoy your family and friends, and remember to be thankful for each and every one of them. And know, that no matter what, no matter how hard things may seem at any given moment: life, and everything associated with it, keeps on moving. As should you.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I know mine will be the most significant New Year I've ever had. 2010 and 2011 have probably been the hardest 2 years of my life. But I have a feeling 2012 may just be MY year. ;)

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Defying synicism

I guess it's that time in life - when everyone seems to be getting married and/or having babies: the mid-20's/early 30's. It's hard to think I was already one of "them." But I'm trying my best not to be synical - hoping and wishing that all of my friends that are getting married or just recently got married, will hold true to their vows: "to love and to cherish, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part." But unfortunately, I know for a fact not everyone makes it. And what I want people to know is: it's okay. Life, if anything, goes on.

I meant them when I said them - those vows. I don't think anyone that gets married ever thinks it won't work in the end. But that's life. Sometimes you just grow apart, and find that there are more differences between you than can be reconciled. People change and evolve every single day. I guess what's important is to make sure you're always on the same page, and that you're growing together in the same direction. Communication (open and often) and trust are probably what I consider to be the two most important facets of a successful relationship. But you also have to have something solid to build upon, like a strong foundation of friendship. You have to let eachother be their own person, but also recognize that the individual parts make up the whole. Having the ability to compromise is important. And by compromise, I don't mean compromising the core beliefs and values that ultimately direct your moral compass; but, knowing and completely accepting the fact that allowing the other person into your life, completely, will inevitably change some things.

I strongly believe that people need to be on similar levels: emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, mentally... if you're not a match on most of those things - well, time will certainly unveil reality. You should not be blinded by lust, physical attraction, infatuation, etc... there HAS to be something more, something deeper, to fall back on. If not, that type of "love" is just not sustainable in the long-term. And if you don't have ALL of that stuff figured out before you take the plunge... well, I hate to be the one to break it to you... but it probably won't work.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that when I think of a life-long love, one worthy of the institution of marriage, I guess I agree with the following quote:

"True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another."

And I still believe in it... completely.

But hey... what does anyone really know about love? It's got to be one of the most ridiculous, crazy, beautiful, maddening, life-altering, indefinable emotions I've ever come across. ;-)

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Sleep and dream

Sinking in the silent slumber of darkness
I succumb to the gravity of night
Starry skies and shadows whisper to me:
Shh... be still - sleep and dream.

But life settles on my silhouette
A sheath of thick blankets and sheets suffocating-
Swiftly sucking the breath from my lungs
And swallows me whole. Shh.

Shh. Speak not a word, tired soul
Slowly descend into your dreamland
Shut your eyes, seal your lips, breathe
Savor your sleep, and sweet dreams.

Shh. Surrender your eyes and mind, for
these dreams seep surreptitiously -
Envelop your slumbering soul, only
Releasing you by the light of sunrise.

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Haven't met him...yet.

For anyone who knows their worth, and is still looking for that "one" to know it too. :)

He likes me, really likes me
My eyes, smile, laugh, lips
My curves, skin, hands, hips
He sees me, really sees me
Everything I am, everything I want to be
Everything I was, everything I will be
He knows me, really knows me
The dark, the light, the surface, the deep
And walks right through the walls I keep
He wants me, really wants me
Body and mind, heart and soul
Whether I'm broken or entirely whole
He needs me, really needs me
To make him smile, calm his fears
In his heart, I'm always near
He loves me, really loves me
And I'd give myself without regret
Because he likes me, sees me,
knows me, wants me, needs me,
and loves me...
I just haven't met him yet.

*NOTE* For those few who have expressed concern (and for those of you who haven't but wonder to yourself if I'm "OK") just for the record, not everything I write is from MY point of view. I like to take on different personas in my poetry/writings, so please don't take everything I write so literally. No, I'm not depressed, I'm not sad, I'm not even down! In fact, I'm actually happier than a pig n' shit! ;-) Thanks for reading!

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Thankful

It's Thanksgiving tomorrow. We all know what that means. We all look forward to stuffing our faces full to capacity with a feast that most people in this world dream about, then roll our gluttonous, over-stuffed bodies over to the couch, and blame the tryptophan (not the fact that we just ate about 2,000 calories of fatty, carby, sugary goodness in one sitting) for dozing in and out of consciousness while football plays on the TV in the background. Turkey, gravy, cranberry sauce, potatos, yams, casseroles, pies, biscuits... are we not lucky? Should we not stop to breathe in deep the sweet and savory aromas of a Thanksgiving meal, and be grateful?

Gratitude is an amazing thing. It keeps you grounded. It keeps you humble. It keeps you satisfied - and while you may want more from life, gratitude helps you accept the fact that sometimes you can't always have what you want the exact moment that you want it... because it helps to reduce that disappointment you feel when things don't go exactly the way you want it to. Stay grateful. Things can always be much worse. Stop and take a look around - do you really, and truthfully, honestly have it that bad? Probably not...

So what am I thankful for this year? Well I'm thankful I'm alive for starters. I'm healthy, I'm in relatively good shape, I'm not ill, I have no ailments, I've got all my limbs, my lungs are breathing and my heart is beating. Awesome! Aside from the obvious, I'm thankful for my friends and family. Love is by far one of the most important things in life to be grateful for. If you can love someone, and be loved in return, then you can be grateful you've had the opportunity to feel that. I have some of the best friends in the world - and they are scattered all over the world too! St. Kitts, Canada, Australia, Florida, Virginia... but it doesn't matter - no matter how far away they are, no matter the time difference, they are always there for me, without fail. To have friends like that, I consider myself extremely lucky. And I'm grateful for each and every one of them. One person in particular (and you know who you are) I'm not sure where I'd be right now if it weren't for you. Thank you for being you, and thank you for being in my life. I'm grateful for knowing you.

And of course I'm thankful I have a job in something I actually studied for, and on top of that, I get to live in a beautiful paradise every single day. Sure, things haven't always gone as planned for me. Sure, I didn't expect to be in the position I'm in at this point in my life. But I'm not going to be down. I'm not going to drag myself through the ditches and beat myself up for mistakes I've made, and failures I've experienced. All of those things make me who I am. All of those dark moments have molded me into a stronger, more confident woman. And the best part is - there's a light at the end of this tunnel. A bright light. And I can see it, I can feel it... the light is mine, because I choose it. I'm thankful that the lightbulb finally went off for me. Because now, more than ever in my life, I know exactly what I want and what I need to be happy. And I will never settle for anything less.

Gratitude. Find it. And hold onto it tightly. It can save you.

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Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

Could you please just quiet down for a minute? You're too loud these days. I can't concentrate on the life in front of me because you keep distracting me away from it. I'd love to sit and chit-chat with you all day, but then I realize the day is gone - and I haven't accomplished a damn thing. It's very easy to sit in my head with you, but it's just counter-productive. I rarely gain anything positive from our conversations; in fact, most of the time all I get from you is more anxiety and confusion about things. Just slow down for a minute, okay? Please? That would be great. It's difficult to stop and smell the roses, or really feel a cool breeze on my skin, or really take notice of a beautiful day when you're yammering at me all the time! Brain, don't take this the wrong way - I love you and everything, and I certainly couldn't live without you... but.... could you please do me a favor and just shut the f*ck up?!

Love,
Chelsey

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