Saturday, August 27, 2011

Surfing in the dark

Yesterday after work, I decided to go for an afternoon surf on the fly. I needed the exercise, and more importantly, a release from the work week. It was Friday afternoon, around 5 o'clock when I entered the water. I hadn't intended for my afternoon surf to turn into dusk, to turn into night. But for some reason, I didn't tire as quickly as I normally do. And with each wave that I waited to catch, the sun would sink lower into the sky, and the large group of surfers I started out with, thinned to only a few.

The transformation that took place looked like something out of a movie. As the sun crept down from the sky and into the ocean, a golden glow emanated from the west that illuminated the waters around me. As I looked out to the horizon for incoming swells, it was still relatively bright; however, when I looked back to the city on shore, it was slowly descending into darkness. The clouds that shrouded the mountains were creeping slowly into the city. The setting sun splashed colors of pink, purple, and red along the buildings, and illuminated Diamond Head in a tawny haze. I was captivated by the contrast of dark gray clouds against the lush greenery of the mountains and the brilliance of colors from the sunset. For a moment, I felt like I had been transported to a different planet. Soon, the sun sunk into the ocean, and completely disappeared.

The waters beneath me transformed from a luscious turquoise to a deep navy. I wasn't deterred. There were still plenty of people out catching waves, which inevitably became easier because the majority of people had called it a day already. I stayed. And with each wave I caught, I wanted to catch more. The horizon was still dimly lit, but the shore was now only lit by the tiki torches and bright store fronts. The waters deepened further from navy to an inky black. I'm not going to lie - my senses were immediately heightened. I've been diving at night, in the safety of the depths with flashlights. But never have I just been hanging out on the surface of blackened water, a considerable distance from the beach. I didn't intend to stay out until it got dark, but I was waiting for one last wave to take me all the way in. This hadn't happened my entire session. The waves would slow down to white mush, only to stop where the waves usually re-build over a sandbar to continue the ride.

At this point, the waves were nearly impossible to detect. The only thing you could see was a black lump on the horizon building up and moving closer. There was no way to tell how big the waves were, or how steep, or even if it was beginning to break. All I could think of was "shit, I need to make it over that thing" and started racing towards it as fast as I could. It was too late. It was already too big and steep that it was breaking right on top of me, with a guy dropping in that I could barely see. He obviously couldn't see me either, because he was dropping in right in my direction. I rolled off my board to the side, and luckily, the wave didn't smash me too hard. As soon as I was submerged in the dark ocean, I scrambled frantically to get back on my board. But before I could catch my breath at the surface, I saw another black lump hurling towards me. I frantically tried to get myself positioned on my board and start paddling, not only to try and catch this wave in, but because the black water set my senses on edge. Again, I couldn't tell where I was positioned for this wave. I couldn't tell how big it was or how steep. But I knew I needed to at least try to catch it, because I didn't want to wait another 10-15 minutes out there on the black sea for another set.

I could hear it coming. The energy around me was electric. My heart was pounding - my thoughts raced in circles around my head. I started paddling frantically in the direction of the shore. The rumbling became louder. Finally, I felt the wave pick me up. I popped up on my feet, and to my amazement, I begin racing down this wave, and I can't see anything but the lights on the beach and their glimmering reflections on the water. It was so exhilarating that I literally screamed "WOOOHOOO!!!!" as I shot down the face. I can only imagine what it sounded like to the surfers that were still out there, now far behind me. It didn't slow down into white mush like every other wave I had caught that day. I glanced behind me only to see it re-building over the sandbar. The white water came crashing down with a deep BOOM and catapulted me forward. I kept my stance, moving subtly up and down the board to increase speed or slow down to make sure I kept up with the wave. Finally, as the wave slowed down, I dropped to my knees and started shoveling water behind me with both hands to keep myself going. My best wave of the day was in complete darkness, and I made it... almost.

When the ocean finally became still again beneath me, I still had to paddle in about 50 yards. My shoulders were on fire, adrenaline seeping from my pores, my stomach in a lose knot because of the limbs I had to dip back into the black water, one after the other, to get myself to the beach. During the day, I would normally take my time paddling back to the beach, because I'm always exhausted from each session. But this time, I paddled as quickly as my body would allow, without resting or giving my mind the chance to think about some gray torpedo lurking below. Finally, I made it to shore. I hopped off my board, quickly wrapped the leash around the tail, and scrambled up onto the beach. I looked back out to the horizon, where I had just come from. I couldn't see the surfers that I knew were out there, and I thought to myself "I was just there" ... the only thing I could see was the occasional white flash of a breaking wave, and wondering if there was a surfer riding it. With that, I ran up to the showers, rinsed my board off, and walked home among the bustling Friday night streets of Waikiki. The smile didn't leave my face the whole way home.

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Friday, August 26, 2011

Ten Friends

To 10 friends who are important to me, that have recently, or in the past, greatly affected my life. If you want to take a stab at which number you are... go ahead. I'll tell you if you get it right!

#1 Well well, you probably have no idea how much you intrigue me. You also probably have no idea that I'm talking about you when you read this- but if you have a funny feeling, you're probably right. It is hard to ignore the fact that I feel like I've known you my entire life. So quickly, I liked you. So quickly, you became a treasured friend. You are one of those people with whom the silences are rare, but never awkward. Connections like ours are hard to find and hard to describe. It's just there, you know? Laughter is always abundant; in fact, it's constant when we're together. It's the kind of laughter that always results form some ridiculous conversation or some stupid asinine joke, that's so hard and robust it shakes your bones and lifts your soul. I hate that you under-estimate yourself so much, because you have such a kind heart, such a bright mind, and an amazing tenacity for getting shit done. You're a bit of a hard nut to crack at first (nut being the operative word, HA!) but underneath... well, don't worry... I'll keep your secret...

#2 Well, what can I say about you... you're just simply amazing. You're quirky, hysterical, unique, and you light up every room you walk into. You truly have no idea how wonderful you are. You're caring, considerate, and have an unparalleled zest and passion for life. You make my heart smile everytime I talk to you. You are another person I could say any crazy thing to and you would not only never judge me, but you would either match me or out-do me in the craziness department. Our friendship developed slowly and unexpectedly at first, but over the years, you have become one of my dearest friends that I know will remain in my life forever. I hate that you have any insecurities, because when I look at you, I see someone incredibly special and beautiful, both inside and out. I just love you to pieces.

#3 We don't talk nearly enough... but I will never hold it against you. I know life is pulling you in a million directions right now. You were another unexpected friendship - a friendship I can't imagine my life without. You simply get me, and you always have. We could go months without talking and pick up right where we left off. You have an incomparable stength that I so admire, but you also have such an amazing sense of humor and such a shockingly foul mouth that reduces me to tears in laughter. Your family and friends are your number one priority, and I know that if I needed you, you would drop everything to be there for me in a heartbeat. No matter what, I know I can always 100% be myself around you. It is amazing to me how two people can be so different, yet be so similar at the same time. You are an amazing person with so much to offer the world, and I can't wait to see you kickin ass.

#4 I'm still discovering what you're all about, but I'm so grateful you came into my life. It didn't take me long at all to know that you're as real as it gets. No thrills or frills - you tell it like it is, because you're the definition of a realist. I feel like we've been friends forever, even though we've not known eachother very long. I feel like I can trust you to always give me your honest opinion and advice on things. And I respect everything you say immensely. I admire your drive and persistence to "do whatcha gotta do." You are smart, articulate, funny, and downright loveable. I hope that our friendship continues to grow and deepen. It's not often you meet someone you have so much in common with by "chance," but I'm so glad we did.

#5 You are the ultimate free spirit - always seeking the next adventure, always looking for something new in your life to fill your heart and soul - to bring you ultimate happiness. And you won't settle for anything less. Up until recently, we haven't talked for quite some time. But, I'm so grateful we broke the silent streak. You have an incredible, crazy sense of humor, always finding something to smile about. You have a unique way of viewing the world around you. You love nature just as much as I do. You are so in tune to your feelings and emotions, you wear your heart on your sleeve, and I admire you for that. You were always the life of every party, and you still are.

#6 You are by far the most unexpected friendship I've ever encountered. We are so incredibly different, yet I think it is the substance of our hearts that keeps us close. Yours is particularly huge. You genuinely care about the people in your life so much. It wouldn't matter if we were 1 mile or 10,000 miles apart, you would find the time to talk; you would find a way to be there for me. You always put other people before yourself, but sometimes, you NEED to put yourself first. You always put 100% of yourself in everything you do, whether its Uni, work, or your relationships. We had an incredible adventure together, and from that, we'll be bonded for life. To thine own self be true, my dear.

#7 I wish we talked more as well, but again, life gets in the way sometimes. We are very much alike, that is no secret. We could talk about anything, no matter how personal or intimate. You also have a huge heart, but you're definitely not afraid to call someone out when you think they're in the wrong. You have strong feelings and opinions about things, and you're not afraid to put them out there. And because I'm the same way, at times we have had some mis-communications occasionally, only to be resolved within a minute and right back to our cheerful, upbeat conversations and giggles. We've been through some unique adventures together as well. And it's no surprise our viewpoints of those times are essentially identical. You will be a friend forever, no matter the distance or time between talking.

#8 I MISS YOU. You are one of the the craziest, funniest, cutest, people I've ever met. Man we have been through some crazy times together, but always with hysterical laughter, as well as random moments of manic singing and dancing. "It's oh so quiet. Shh.. shh... It's oh, so still. Shh... shh... You're all alone. Shh... shh... and so peaceful until... you fall in love! Zing boom!" Really, that's all I need to say. You're so care-free and spirited and full of life, love, and laughter. You could brighten up the darkest day. And I miss the light you always brought to my life! You're someone people would normally hate because you're so damn stunning, but can't because you're too damn loveable!

#9 Well, it's hard to know where I would be without you in my life. You've been such a constant for so long, that it would feel strange if you were ever gone. Our friendship has seen highs, lows, and everything in between. There isn't much that we haven't been through together. Sometimes we don't see eye to eye on things, and some of our arguments have been pretty epic, but we always find a way to get back to what matters. I know that when push comes to shove, you will always be like family. There's not much else I need to say other than that.



#10 Simply put: you are an enigma. Our infrequent conversations are always wrought with confusion in my mind. Around you, reality cannot be discerned from fiction. I admire your intellect - you're very bright, very smart, very articulate and eloquent. Yet in close contact, you have a "devil may care" type of attitude. You always come across like something is missing in your life - something you just can't quite put your finger on; something you can't quite grasp. You have made a significant impact on my life whether you realize it or not, whether I like to admit it or not. You were part of my journey, and in fact, partly the reason I am where I am today. So for that, I am grateful. Keep up the good work you do, and I sincerely hope you've found "it."














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Saturday, August 20, 2011

A dream within a dream...

"All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream..."

This is a quote taken from Edgar Allan Poe's "A Dream Within A Dream" poem (1850).
My favorite part of this poem is the second stanza:

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand --
How few! Yet they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep -- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitliess wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

When I was in highschool, I took a creative writing class in which we had to choose a poet to do a huge project on - and at the end of that project, we had to get up in front of the class dressed as that poet, and read an original autobiographical poem about that poet. I chose Edgar Allan Poe. And yes, I had to dress up like him and read a poem to my class about his life. I even sported a fake mustache to be more realistic. It's ironic reading "A Dream Within A Dream" now - I can see how much my recent poem "Time" draws on the same themes: mourning the loss of time, which in fact is the loss of life we cannot get back. Each minute that passes is a minute closer to death, a minute we'll never witness again. No matter how tight we grasp a handful of sand, the grains just keep slipping- just as life literally slips away from us with the blink of an eye.

As a young girl, I was enamored (in addition to the ocean of course) with the dark hours of night, the moon, the eery calm of dawn, lucid dreams, darkness, etc. and I wrote about these things in my poetry (which sort of freaked my Mom out when she would come across such writings). Poe wrote about these things too, and much of what Poe wrote about was not accepted during his time because frankly, many of his writings were just too dark and scary. Poe's poems reflected his tormented life and his tortured soul. His poetry bleeds with emotion; always set in a palpable atmosphere that leaps off the page and into your mind. In a way, I can very much relate to him. His writings also reflected his thoughts on dancing along the fine line between being "mad" and being "brilliant".

"...but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence - whether much that is glorious - whether all that is profound- does not spring from disease of thought- from moods exalted at the expense of the general intellect."

Poe's mind was so deep, so contemplative, and so imaginitive - it is hard to imagine what plagued his mind so often to produce such brilliant, yet dark writings. Poe frequently talks about dreams, dreamland, and sleepers. I have always been fascinated by the mind's ability to create such elaborate, and sometimes frighteningly vivid dreams. It's no wonder the very title of this blog is "Oceanic Dreaming" and my other blog "Honolulu Dreaming"... I have also contemplated whether or not life is nothing but a dream...wondering if dying is in fact, awakening. Poe's questions about life and death, dreams and reality, seem to strike a chord with me. I believe writing was his outlet, his passion. He alluded to the fact that no one understood him. And sometimes, I feel the same way.

There is a depth and a darkness to each of us that may or not be accessible to others; in fact, it may not even be accessible to oneself. For me, I have been acutely aware of this depth and darkness my entire life. And don't get me wrong, when I say "darkness" I'm not necessarily referring to negativity. It means that I don't just take life at face value. I sit. I think. I contemplate. And my mind creates ideas, theories, perspectives, opinions, feelings, emotions...

Here's an example: sometimes I'll sit and zoom out from myself while pinpointing my location on a map of earth. And I keep zooming out in my mind, and my point keeps getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller... to the point where I'm not visible anymore. To the point where I am no bigger than a single grain of sand within the Sahara desert. To the point that my existence is merely a microscopic blip within the unending blackness of infinite. And it makes me wonder. And it makes me feel completely and utterly powerless; completely and utterly insignificant. And then in an instant! I'm once again present in my life - back to this world, back to the room I'm sitting in, back to the people around me, to the TV playing in the background... and it makes me wonder...

is all that we see or seem, but a dream within a dream?

;-)

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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Let us play


For anyone who surfs... and has eaten shit in the process.


"Let us play" she says

I say, "okay"

then stand upon the sands and pray

"Mother, please keep me safe today"

she responds, as always, "you'll be okay."



With reverence I hurl myself into blue

The sky - a palette of deep lavender hues

Faint rays of light bid night, adieu

Dawn marks the time for our game to ensue.



My breath, my calm, I try to keep

Mountains rumble from cerulean deep

She picks me up, her face so steep

But with my faith, I take a leap




Stomach drops, heart skips a beat

Hesitation hits, yet I can't retreat

Falling forward, can't find my feet

Head-first over heels, now facing defeat





She slams me down, can't see nor breathe

Clenched in the grip of her gnarly teeth

Lungs burn for the surface of the salty sea

yet a strange serentiy encompasses me





I find the space between sea and sky

Gasping, aware, and utterly alive

Hurriedly, frantically, with each stroke I glide

to get back in line for the world's greatest ride.




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Monday, August 15, 2011

Love HURTS

After a short 25 years on this planet... here's what I know for certain about love...

Love HURTS. No matter what kind of love it is- love will bite you in the ass time and time again. You love a parent or other family member - eventually, as life takes its course, they will leave you and it will shatter you. Love a pet, and the same will happen too. Love a child - though I'm not a mother - I know that kind of unconditional love can be crippling. Sometimes you can love someone so intensely, that it physically hurts. Or, you may love someone, and to your utter disappointment, they just don't love you in return... or maybe they just don't love you the way you desperately want them to. Or maybe you love someone, and they love you too, but your love is painfully unrequited. And of course, you may find that you love someone so much (to the point of physical pain), but they go and break your heart. Or you may find yourself looking back on past loves, and wonder what could've been if things had been different. And it hurts. LOVE, in any form, always hurts at some point or another. Love is an exquisite pain.

The real question is: is love worth the pain?

What do you think? (Seriously, feel free to leave me your comments, either here or on facebook. I'm really curious about your opinions).

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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Time

Sometimes I find the sands of time
fall through the hourglass without reason or rhyme
Thus I always reflect on time gone by
and grasp for times I felt alive
But time is indeed no friend of mine...
I reflect on the faces, the times and places
which fill the spaces in my heart -
the laughs, the thrills, goose bumps, and chills
moments of glory, passionate stories
live vividly, wildly in mind and heart
these memories in heart will never depart.
But time keeps on and on
beating on and keeping on
relentlessly on and on
until alas so quickly the life that is mine
will reach its end in space and time
Thus keep me in your mind and heart
and we shall never truly part.
For what is heart without the mind?
It's time gone by, without reason or rhyme.

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